Second View Romance V.1
|
|
Description:
I'm sure the poem itself is for the most part self-explanatory. But I don't truly hold this piece as one of my best so I would really appreciate any comments as I'm willing for any change anyone might see necessary.
Thanks..
Thanks..
Second View Romance V.1
Slip on the headphones A clock screaming 2 in the morning But I've got nothing tomorrow Crack eyes open with needle points again From the moment I felt I knew that something wasn't right Thinking you, and me were like one heartbeat That moment you laughed And the smile your lips wore The vision kept me up all night A body in my bed Without the ounce of rest Contemplating the sight of you But when the moment came... That moment that I felt I knew that something wasn't right Rip my heart out Throw it at you Hoping you feel just like I do Come tomorrow I'll already be awake Thinking of your face In that spot of a demented mind Another day --Another throw Throwing my heart at you These feelings lingering, like I want you to. |
Submitted on 2004-12-18 09:37:56 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post
Comments
| I don't understand why being so young makes you talented; I was you're age once and I wasn't talented. What I believe these other writers meant to say is that you're a good writer. There are parts of this I love; starts off strong, but it could use a little viagra from then on; needs more staying power. Your tenses are also a bit off. These are my suggestion; hope they help you. "Slipping on headphones A clock screaming 2 in the morning But I've got nothing tomorrow Cracking eyes open with needle points again From the moment I felt, I knew that something wasn't right; Thinking you, and me, were like one heartbeat That moment you laughed; And the smile your lips wore, The vision kept me up all night A body in my bed Without an ounce of rest Contemplating the sight of you (Contemplating?) Sight is with most of us since the begining of existance; seems odd to contemplate such a thing. I would guess that you instead were sort of basking; in reverie; of her beauty) But when the moment came... That moment that I felt I knew that something wasn't right Ripping my heart out I threw it at you Hoping you feel just like I do( this image is a bit cliché) Come tomorrow I'll already be awake Thinking of your face Placed in my demented mind Another day -Another throw Throwing my heart at youThese feelings lingering, like I want you to. (consider other words to replace throw; to give it more feeling; hurling ect would add a little more emotion and variety. I thank you and I hope this was helpful peace  | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ] | I must say my friend I agree with MMISS | For someone of your age I am quite impressed with your writing(don't let that go to your head j/k) I can totaly relate to this piece, all to many nights I've spent lying in bed trying (not) to think about some one. When you care about some one in a romantic way it seems you can never get them out of your head, and that you never truly want them out of your head. I think you've painted an image of solitude and wanting that most can relate to. What impresses me in regards to your work is how you paint these images- "Slip on the headphones A clock screaming 2 in the morning But I've got nothing tomorrow Crack eyes open with needle points again From the moment I felt I knew that something wasn't right Thinking you, and me were like one heartbeat" This sounds like the beginning of a song to me. I shall read the second post under this name, keep letting it flow my friend!-John | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ] | geremy, you are so talented to be so young! i can imagine what your poetry will be when you're 30 or older. | you have such a keen sense of storytelling. i think you're gonaa' go far! keep up the great work.  | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by MMISS | [ Reply to This ] | |
38299
Edit/Delete posts
Create Writing
Create Journal