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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Second View Romance V.1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1023
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 994



    Description:
       I'm sure the poem itself is for the most part self-explanatory. But I don't truly hold this piece as one of my best so I would really appreciate any comments as I'm willing for any change anyone might see necessary.

    Thanks..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSecond View Romance V.1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Slip on the headphones
    A clock screaming 2 in the morning
    But I've got nothing tomorrow
    Crack eyes open with needle points again

    From the moment I felt
    I knew that something wasn't right
    Thinking you,
    and me
    were like one heartbeat

    That moment you laughed
    And the smile your lips wore
    The vision kept me up all night
    A body in my bed
    Without the ounce of rest
    Contemplating the sight of you

    But when the moment came...

    That moment that I felt
    I knew that something wasn't right
    Rip my heart out
    Throw it at you
    Hoping you feel just like I do

    Come tomorrow I'll already be awake
    Thinking of your face
    In that spot of a demented mind

    Another day
    --Another throw
    Throwing my heart at you
    These feelings lingering,
    like I want you to.




    Submitted on 2004-12-18 09:37:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I don't understand why being so young makes you talented; I was you're age once and I wasn't talented. What I believe these other writers meant to say is that you're a good writer. There are parts of this I love; starts off strong, but it could use a little viagra from then on; needs more staying power. Your tenses are also a bit off. These are my suggestion; hope they help you.

    "Slipping on headphones
    A clock screaming 2 in the morning
    But I've got nothing tomorrow
    Cracking eyes open with needle points again

    From the moment I felt,
    I knew that something wasn't right;
    Thinking you,
    and me,
    were like one heartbeat

    That moment you laughed;
    And the smile your lips wore,
    The vision kept me up all night

    A body in my bed
    Without an ounce of rest
    Contemplating the sight of you
    (Contemplating?) Sight is with most of us since the begining of existance; seems odd to contemplate such a thing. I would guess that you instead were sort of basking; in reverie; of her beauty)

    But when the moment came...

    That moment that I felt
    I knew that something wasn't right
    Ripping my heart out
    I threw it at you
    Hoping you feel just like I do( this image is a bit cliché)

    Come tomorrow I'll already be awake
    Thinking of your face
    Placed in my demented mind

    Another day
    -Another throw
    Throwing my heart at youThese feelings lingering,
    like I want you to.

    (consider other words to replace throw; to give it more feeling; hurling ect would add a little more emotion and variety. I thank you and I hope this was helpful peace
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say my friend I agree with MMISS
    For someone of your age I am quite impressed with your writing(don't let that go to your head j/k) I can totaly relate to this piece, all to many nights I've spent lying in bed trying (not) to think about some one. When you care about some one in a romantic way it seems you can never get them out of your head, and that you never truly want them out of your head. I think you've painted an image of solitude and wanting that most can relate to. What impresses me in regards to your work is how you paint these images-

    "Slip on the headphones
    A clock screaming 2 in the morning
    But I've got nothing tomorrow
    Crack eyes open with needle points again

    From the moment I felt
    I knew that something wasn't right
    Thinking you,
    and me
    were like one heartbeat"

    This sounds like the beginning of a song to me. I shall read the second post under this name, keep letting it flow my friend!-John
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      geremy, you are so talented to be so young! i can imagine what your poetry will be when you're 30 or older.

    you have such a keen sense of storytelling. i think you're gonaa' go far! keep up the great work.
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by MMISS | [ Reply to This ]


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