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Second View Romance V.1


Author: Geremy Smith
ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171 /145 /23
Words: 145
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1149
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 994



Description:


I'm sure the poem itself is for the most part self-explanatory. But I don't truly hold this piece as one of my best so I would really appreciate any comments as I'm willing for any change anyone might see necessary.

Thanks..


Second View Romance V.1



Slip on the headphones
A clock screaming 2 in the morning
But I've got nothing tomorrow
Crack eyes open with needle points again

From the moment I felt
I knew that something wasn't right
Thinking you,
and me
were like one heartbeat

That moment you laughed
And the smile your lips wore
The vision kept me up all night
A body in my bed
Without the ounce of rest
Contemplating the sight of you

But when the moment came...

That moment that I felt
I knew that something wasn't right
Rip my heart out
Throw it at you
Hoping you feel just like I do

Come tomorrow I'll already be awake
Thinking of your face
In that spot of a demented mind

Another day
--Another throw
Throwing my heart at you
These feelings lingering,
like I want you to.




Submitted on 2004-12-18 09:37:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I don't understand why being so young makes you talented; I was you're age once and I wasn't talented. What I believe these other writers meant to say is that you're a good writer. There are parts of this I love; starts off strong, but it could use a little viagra from then on; needs more staying power. Your tenses are also a bit off. These are my suggestion; hope they help you.

"Slipping on headphones
A clock screaming 2 in the morning
But I've got nothing tomorrow
Cracking eyes open with needle points again

From the moment I felt,
I knew that something wasn't right;
Thinking you,
and me,
were like one heartbeat

That moment you laughed;
And the smile your lips wore,
The vision kept me up all night

A body in my bed
Without an ounce of rest
Contemplating the sight of you
(Contemplating?) Sight is with most of us since the begining of existance; seems odd to contemplate such a thing. I would guess that you instead were sort of basking; in reverie; of her beauty)

But when the moment came...

That moment that I felt
I knew that something wasn't right
Ripping my heart out
I threw it at you
Hoping you feel just like I do( this image is a bit cliché)

Come tomorrow I'll already be awake
Thinking of your face
Placed in my demented mind

Another day
-Another throw
Throwing my heart at youThese feelings lingering,
like I want you to.

(consider other words to replace throw; to give it more feeling; hurling ect would add a little more emotion and variety. I thank you and I hope this was helpful peace
| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  I must say my friend I agree with MMISS
For someone of your age I am quite impressed with your writing(don't let that go to your head j/k) I can totaly relate to this piece, all to many nights I've spent lying in bed trying (not) to think about some one. When you care about some one in a romantic way it seems you can never get them out of your head, and that you never truly want them out of your head. I think you've painted an image of solitude and wanting that most can relate to. What impresses me in regards to your work is how you paint these images-

"Slip on the headphones
A clock screaming 2 in the morning
But I've got nothing tomorrow
Crack eyes open with needle points again

From the moment I felt
I knew that something wasn't right
Thinking you,
and me
were like one heartbeat"

This sounds like the beginning of a song to me. I shall read the second post under this name, keep letting it flow my friend!-John
| Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
  geremy, you are so talented to be so young! i can imagine what your poetry will be when you're 30 or older.

you have such a keen sense of storytelling. i think you're gonaa' go far! keep up the great work.
| Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by MMISS | [ Reply to This ]


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