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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: frienddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UNunderStood
    ASL Info:    16/f/oh
    Elite Ratio:    2.72 - 79/87/25
    Words: 46
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 914
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 275



    Description:
       one of my bestfriens and me don't even talk any more because his girlfriend don't trust mearound him so this is to you Travis i'm sorry our friendship had to end like this maybe you'll realze one day everybody you left for her
    i'll still be here when you wanna come running back


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfrienddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Oh my friend of mine.
    what has happend to us?
    we were so close
    but yet now so far.
    you where there,
    I was here.
    you called
    i answeared.
    but as I still go on
    you know the truth
    and yes the truth does hurt!




    Submitted on 2004-12-18 16:37:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i answeared.
    i should be capitalized, and answeared should be answered .

    Oh my friend of mine.
    what has happend to us?
    we were so close
    but yet now so far.
    you where there,
    I was here.
    you called
    i answeared.
    but as I still go on
    you know the truth
    and yes the truth does hurt!
    Okay, now don't get me wrong, this was a touching piece and all, full of emotion, and I understood its meaning. Normally I don't critique poems of this nature because I know how I feel after writing a poem from the heart, with such meaning, and such emotion, that's personal, just for one other person, and then someone has the nerve to critique it. You can't critique something form the Heart I always say...

    ...But, I thought that if I couldn't critique, I could at least offer some friendly suggestions to help you improve upon your future writes. When you have a free-blank verse poem such as this, that is only one stanza in length, the stanza is normally intended to be one larger stream of consciousness, stream of thought, or metaphor.

    This is because of its length. It is short, slim, trimmed down and everything. It is not bulky as an iambic pentameter poem, where the 10 syllable lines often take up lots of space, and muddle the form to the point of it being impossible to slim or trim it down in any way, shape and/or form.

    Now, back to my main point. You added a period dead center, right in the middle of your poem, discontinuing the metaphor. At the point of this period, you could have divided this up into three stanzas. Allow for me to explain.

    Oh my friend of mine.
    what has happend to us?
    we were so close
    but yet now so far.
    This would be one.

    you where there,
    I was here.
    This would be two.

    you called
    i answeared.
    but as I still go on
    you know the truth
    and yes the truth does hurt!
    And this would be the third.

    This wouldn't make sense though. The second stanza wouldn't be worth turning into a stanza, and the other two are connected with the second. So, what I am saying is that you could have removed the periods and inserted some other punctuation in order to signify the division of ideas, such as semicolons, or colons, or double dashes. Just a suggestion. Take Care.

    "Loquacious Mind"
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
      oh that;s so sad to know you lost your friend. but that happens when someone special catches their eye. it happens to most people. sooner or later if it's meant to be ...it will
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by MMISS | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a neat little poem ...Im sure he will wake up and come back for the people he tossed aside ..Its funny how when you want a gf or bf really bad ..when you get it...nothing else seems as important ..sometimes even friends ...Sounds like he's the one missing out here...but good job on this :) Hope it all works out for you and you get your friend back
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey...it's tragic that your friend would leave you for something like that. Personally, I wouldn't take him back but you know...it's your decision. Anyway, I enjoyed this read. However, I'm going to suggest a few high points in your poem and give you a few pointers---
    1- This was well written, however can I suggest a little more expression and power?
    It's good if your feelings are quiet and unobtrusive like expressed in your poem but if you feel so strongly about it, why not add a little more fire into it? Nice construction though. Very easy to understand. Next, 2- spell check. You had a few errors but it didn't take away from the meaning. A little more polish and it'll be great. Try to vary it up with some rhyme as well. This is good, considering the incident it came from. Good job.
    | Posted on 2004-12-18 00:00:00 | by wanderingpoet16 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    38343

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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