Second View Romance V.2
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Description:
This is the wrap up of Second View Romance V.1 Basically the ending story you could call it. Feedback is highly welcomed....
Second View Romance V.2
Don't you know that In my eyes it's all I see; you Want to grab it To claim it in my heart and never let go Many nights locked up In a room so very still Where no one else can feel --(not a soul can steal) What I've always yearned inside Radio switched and song screaming: --"I thought what we had was true" Who would have known you were a killer? Your teeth gnashed apart my heart So you'll never know --Never know what you did to me Every word shot through my heart Sunshine slipping through the window Lets me know I'm still alive A pain that breaks my heart Reminding of how I'm not okay For the action of loving I embrace its consequence --With a scissor patterned heart The hardets thing Knowing I'll never see the dawn of day With you in my arms What did I do to deserve this? I thought I'd handle it Broken glass love; and hands of empty Because these days it's not okay --Ask myself "Why did I ever let you inside my chest?" Something so good turned so wrong Shades drawn closed With dried eyelids sewn You ripped my heart out Ignored my pain show But I'm no good at suicide Let me eat your heart out Make you feel like me --Let me kill you I want to kill you --Now I'm not sane Because from here I'm an antique upon the shelf This time it's silent The last time I'll win Forget my name. |
Submitted on 2004-12-18 22:57:02 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| "-Now I'm not sane Because from here I'm an antique upon the shelf This time it's silent The last time I'll win Forget my name." Personally I loved this part the best. Talking about lost love stating your an antique on the shelf gathering dust is brillance. Though I have to be honest with you I think this is nowhere near as strong as the other piece...you have alot alot of repition in it I feel like you need to skim some of the fat off. See if you can cut out some of the reptitions of the word "heart" I think this piece is one of those cases of less is more. I believe you have a strong starting point here. See maybe instead of saying "heart" so much if you cant rewrite lines and include metaphors to represent the heart like i "Who would have known you were a killer? with Your gnashing teeth Oh howyou'll never know -Never know what you did to me Every word broke through my sternum piercing my vitals as they went." just an idea. Keep it up dude!-John  |
| | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ] |
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