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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Second View Romance V.2dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 271
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 861
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1834



    Description:
       This is the wrap up of Second View Romance V.1 Basically the ending story you could call it. Feedback is highly welcomed....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSecond View Romance V.2dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Don't you know that
    In my eyes it's all I see; you
    Want to grab it
    To claim it in my heart and never let go

    Many nights locked up
    In a room so very still
    Where no one else can feel
    --(not a soul can steal)
    What I've always yearned inside

    Radio switched and song screaming:
    --"I thought what we had was true"

    Who would have known you were a killer?
    Your teeth gnashed apart my heart
    So you'll never know
    --Never know what you did
    to me
    Every word shot through my heart


    Sunshine slipping through the window
    Lets me know I'm still alive
    A pain that breaks my heart
    Reminding of how I'm not okay

    For the action of loving
    I embrace its consequence
    --With a scissor patterned heart

    The hardets thing
    Knowing I'll never see the dawn of day
    With you in my arms

    What did I do to deserve this?
    I thought I'd handle it
    Broken glass love; and hands of empty
    Because these days it's not okay
    --Ask myself
    "Why did I ever let you inside my chest?"
    Something so good turned so wrong

    Shades drawn closed
    With dried eyelids sewn
    You ripped my heart out
    Ignored my pain show

    But I'm no good at suicide
    Let me eat your heart out
    Make you feel like me
    --Let me kill you
    I want to kill you

    --Now I'm not sane

    Because from here
    I'm an antique upon the shelf

    This time it's silent
    The last time I'll win

    Forget my name.




    Submitted on 2004-12-18 22:57:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      "-Now I'm not sane

    Because from here
    I'm an antique upon the shelf

    This time it's silent
    The last time I'll win

    Forget my name."


    Personally I loved this part the best. Talking about lost love stating your an antique on the shelf gathering dust is brillance. Though I have to be honest with you I think this is nowhere near as strong as the other piece...you have alot alot of repition in it I feel like you need to skim some of the fat off. See if you can cut out some of the reptitions of the word "heart" I think this piece is one of those cases of less is more. I believe you have a strong starting point here. See maybe instead of saying "heart" so much if you cant rewrite lines and include metaphors to represent the heart like i



    "Who would have known you were a killer?
    with Your gnashing teeth
    Oh howyou'll never know
    -Never know what you did
    to me
    Every word broke through my sternum
    piercing my vitals as they went."


    just an idea. Keep it up dude!-John
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    12. Does it feel original?



    38397

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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