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Second View Romance V.2

Author: Geremy Smith
ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171 /145 /23
Words: 271
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1005
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1834


This is the wrap up of Second View Romance V.1 Basically the ending story you could call it. Feedback is highly welcomed....

Second View Romance V.2

Don't you know that
In my eyes it's all I see; you
Want to grab it
To claim it in my heart and never let go

Many nights locked up
In a room so very still
Where no one else can feel
--(not a soul can steal)
What I've always yearned inside

Radio switched and song screaming:
--"I thought what we had was true"

Who would have known you were a killer?
Your teeth gnashed apart my heart
So you'll never know
--Never know what you did
to me
Every word shot through my heart

Sunshine slipping through the window
Lets me know I'm still alive
A pain that breaks my heart
Reminding of how I'm not okay

For the action of loving
I embrace its consequence
--With a scissor patterned heart

The hardets thing
Knowing I'll never see the dawn of day
With you in my arms

What did I do to deserve this?
I thought I'd handle it
Broken glass love; and hands of empty
Because these days it's not okay
--Ask myself
"Why did I ever let you inside my chest?"
Something so good turned so wrong

Shades drawn closed
With dried eyelids sewn
You ripped my heart out
Ignored my pain show

But I'm no good at suicide
Let me eat your heart out
Make you feel like me
--Let me kill you
I want to kill you

--Now I'm not sane

Because from here
I'm an antique upon the shelf

This time it's silent
The last time I'll win

Forget my name.

Submitted on 2004-12-18 22:57:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  "-Now I'm not sane

Because from here
I'm an antique upon the shelf

This time it's silent
The last time I'll win

Forget my name."

Personally I loved this part the best. Talking about lost love stating your an antique on the shelf gathering dust is brillance. Though I have to be honest with you I think this is nowhere near as strong as the other have alot alot of repition in it I feel like you need to skim some of the fat off. See if you can cut out some of the reptitions of the word "heart" I think this piece is one of those cases of less is more. I believe you have a strong starting point here. See maybe instead of saying "heart" so much if you cant rewrite lines and include metaphors to represent the heart like i

"Who would have known you were a killer?
with Your gnashing teeth
Oh howyou'll never know
-Never know what you did
to me
Every word broke through my sternum
piercing my vitals as they went."

just an idea. Keep it up dude!-John
| Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]

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