Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My love for youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Abort_Chaotic
    ASL Info:    19 almost 20
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 201/172/50
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Love
    Total Views: 907
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1031



    Description:
       I don't know, I love her and hate to give into it..
    She has a boyfriend, I'm so afriad to admit it.
    I want to sever my heart from its veins and place clod steel there.
    Leave the worst


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy love for youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A star formed itself in the embrio of your eyes, its light blue texture quite arousing in my sight.
    To touch and feel is the best thing, maybe friends and sought and fought in the wars of relationship.
    It haunts me.
    Have I found something utterly prefect?
    I never thought I'd love you and by cutting my wrist my problems would collapse
    and stop dancing ontop mindfields of emotion. And by slamming lead bars into my chest it would lead my heart to stop the feeling.
    It made the blood run thicker with added effect.
    The pressure on my chest doesn't subside, I hate to say goodbye.
    You know as I know you thought out and careful not to give in.
    I know you couldn't love me as I do, but here and now I admit it.
    After so much clawing and cutting and bashing.
    I'm not going to offer myself to you.
    If it stays a friendship among friends, I will be happy to be among you.
    I only fear the day when I collapse to be with you.




    Submitted on 2004-12-19 19:33:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was obviously a very personal piece and that you have such love for this person that can't love you back in the same way is hard. I too liked a lot of the lines in this piece and it's good you got it out.
    Love,Peace,Joy!
    | Posted on 2005-07-14 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Great subject, and i generally got though this work, understanding the meaning of it, but consider rewriting it into a different structure, your use of metaphors is very good and I just feel it could have a much greater impact that way upon the readers.
    Alan
    | Posted on 2004-12-20 00:00:00 | by MidnghtScorpion | [ Reply to This ]
      sorry. must not talk long. but in my opinion the figurative language was great, too much teen angst though. It does go a long with everything, since i'm assuming this is entirely true(the poem is) but there are those nit=pickers out there. The lines could be broken up a bit as well. nice write though.
    | Posted on 2004-12-19 00:00:00 | by roxygirl239 | [ Reply to This ]
      The subject in this poem is so good, but I think the presentation of the subject or the idea needs some effort.

    I can't deny that there were some very good metaphors used along the poem like in the first line "A star formed itself in the embrio of your eyes, its light blue texture quite arousing in my sight." but I think "embrio" is "embryo".

    I really liked the last three lines "The finale"

    "I'm not going to offer myself to you.
    If it stays a friendship among friends, I will be happy to be among you.
    I only fear the day when I collapse to be with you."

    "I'm not going to offer my self to you" is a very good and powerful line indeed.

    Anyway Good luck and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-12-19 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    38527

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Carry written by saartha
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Cover written by saartha
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Love written by saartha
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Etiquette written by saartha
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry