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    dots Submission Name: Indecision From Insecuritydots

    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 210
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 953
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1421

       Arrogance...the comfort of having most things handed to you..and then when one thing falls apart...so do you.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIndecision From Insecuritydots

    What did you expect when nothing was right?
    A pat on the back
    Someone to guide you with a light
    Welcome to my hell
    Iím no longer the guidance
    Iíve put out whatever light it was I had
    Just to watch your face
    --turn Sadó

    Because you donít know sorrow
    Until its fingers have wrapped about your throat
    And youíre slowly dying
    To make these mistakes fade away

    Corkscrew the thoughts into your ears
    Let the blood of truth spill down,
    Your cheeks of pale dismay
    Turn and catch a good night,
    in a butterfly net of nightmares

    Truth burns your eyes
    Forces your lips to squeeze
    Squeeze every arrogant thought to the air

    Cleansing water runs over the body
    Strands of hair falling to the drain
    Twisting away with every thought on record

    Conscience, in disposable
    Far too large for the drain
    A comfort space you seemed to make
    Just keep this in your heart
    And shelter off the blame

    Turn off the light
    and strike the candle
    Lavender laden shadows blanket this
    Peel back these eyelids
    as I press the burning unavoidable
    into your mind

    A weakness consumes
    All because you assumed
    everything would be there to fall back on.

    Submitted on 2004-12-21 13:19:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      A weakness consumes
    All because you assumed
    everything would be there to fall back on.

    I think everyone does this at some time or another in their life. Its...this verse just talks of people that always feel they will have everything in life going right for them then at one minute BAM! everything goes wrong then they fall apart...*shakes head*.
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      A weakness consumes
    All because you assumed
    everything would be there to fall back on.

    love the ending. the whole poem blew my mind. do not change a thing! i am jealous of not only the poem but of ur skills as a writer. very impressive. you took an idea and ran with it. the words are well put together. def one of the best ive read in a long time! looking forward to adding this to my favorites. great job<3

    please respond if you'd ever like to talk. we're both the same age and i think we have great ideas that we can put together.
    | Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by Ang | [ Reply to This ]
      I came into this piece expecting to dislike it because of the title. Usually swanky wordplay in titles is done to mask inferior work. Not so here. I truly believed the messages in your poem and I applaud the images. Have you ever seen "A Clockwork Orange", where they force the guy's eyes open with these metal prongs and force him to watch rape and violence on a movie screen. That's what portions of this poem reminded me of. And not in a bad way. It does need some tweaking here and there, but I think you can work out the kinks. It's a very nicely done poem. Thank you for sharing. -Lazy Spleen
    | Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is quite good and just needs some fine tuning. read it out loud to see if anything sounds off to you or if a different word would sound better here or there. overall it works quite well and I like the feelings portrayed here. there are some really great lines that stand out: 'turn and catch a goodnite in a butterfly net of nightmares' is one I especially like. well done.
    | Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, who also has some nice things to say about sadness? I liked it while I was reading, but then interrupted by a friend of mine who decided to prank me... but oh well. I especially liked the first stanza "Just to watch your face -turn sad-" Thats powerful. I say you could have continued that and made things alot more dark and mysterious and the such. Niceness in a box of rice krispies.
    | Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by Paconess1006 | [ Reply to This ]
      hello, i really liked this poem, but the rhyme scheme should be regular. some verses rhyme when others do not it takes site away from the poem it's self. i really liked the last stanza. I do not encourage you to change your poem, if you like it you should keep it exactly like it is.
    | Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]

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