My words! by slybee22

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Submission Name: My words! dots

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Author:	slybee22
ASL Info:	20
Elite Ratio:	5.59 - 93/64/27
Words:	260

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	342
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1267

Description:
it is what it is, I have worked on this on for years I still am working on it so give me somthing to work with

My words! dots

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As I close my eyes I see snow flakes dancing to my eyelashes, a beat pulses through me as my blood rushes. I listen with my heart and there is music everywhere.
Words begin to drain from me without fear; I don’t care if the world knows just how I feel. I’ll let these words drain as they may, for they take my pain away.

I open my eyes only to realize (and truly see) that life is not what it should be.
Look into my eyes you'll find nothing that's the truth, because I won't let you reach my soul. Read these words and you’ll see that I do feel, for these words bare aches of my youth, these words are my truth.

A melody comes over me, can’t help but sing: a song of beauty, a song of misery, a so filled with fire, a song about you my hearts desire , one song then another, even a song about my dear mother.

I open my eyes only to realize (and truly see) that life is not what it should be.
Look into my eyes you'll find nothing that's the truth, because I won't let you reach my soul. These words bare aches of my youth, these words are my truth. I (with all my triumphs, epiphanies, scars mental & physical) am my words.

Submitted on 2004-12-21 14:18:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  A good write that explains your personality perfect
You are trying to reach people with your words but i have a feeling you believe there is something in the way
When you find that something and escape it from your soul you will then be at peace
Great Write
And thanks for all your comments
Take Care
Ron
| Posted on 2005-11-05 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this; it's very unconventional. You use some good literary devices that build up the piece to a point of intensity. It builds up then it carries the reader down, so it has a very good natural progression. Your writing is smooth and eloquent. My favorite section is the part where you talk about the melody and the songs:

"A melody comes over me, can’t help but sing
a song of beauty, a song hatred a so filled with fire, a song about you my hearts desire , One song then another, even a song about my dear mother."

Well Put!

I feel like the only thing this poem needs is some polishing and the tightening of some loose ends. You only have one stanza break, but a couple of more could help. Go back through it and look for places where you start on a new thought and that should be a natural place for a stanza break. Also go over some of your use of punctuation. The example that stick out the most in my head is the sentence "Because I won't let you, reach my soul." The comma between the words "you" and "reach" feels out o fplace. It makes the reader pause, but that doesn't feel like a natural place for a pause. Use the punctuation to the fullest in order to best convey the mood and tone you want to project. All in all, you've got some great stuff here.
| Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]
  "These words are my truth"-excellent work! This poem is extremely lyrical. I love the subtle rhyme and the building up of intensity with each line. I think part of that comes from your choice to write your stanzas in paragraph form. This makes you not want to take a breath until the stanza is completed. I don't usually like that sort of technique, but it works here. A couple of typos notwithstanding, this is a fine piece. Keep working on it and don't limit yourself. I think you have a lot more to say, so say it!
-Lazy Spleen
| Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
  This really paints a picture for me I can really see you standing there. The line, "Look into my eyes you'll find nothing that's the truth," could be made better by changing it to you'll find nothing that is true. and the commas break everything up to much I think, but otherwise i really like it...
| Posted on 2005-02-28 00:00:00 | by Racing_Chick | [ Reply to This ]

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