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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: An Ocean of Timedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brunov68
    ASL Info:    22/M/Toronto
    Elite Ratio:    4.34 - 311/320/30
    Words: 220
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 391
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1540



    Description:
       This was written for a friend. She requested for me to write a poem reflecting happiness, my happiness, since I always seem to write about negative things. So this is it, hope some of you can enjoy it, or at least hate it with reason.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Ocean of Timedots
    -------------------------------------------


    In a single frame of time
    dark thoughts swim through my head,
    few feelings engage my heart.
    Withered wishes I shouldn't have had.

    Flattened by ghastly boredom
    my mind plays tricks on me:
    Showing my ardent heart
    some things the eyes can't see.

    How much can money buy?
    Were sharks created to bite?
    Is love a word with meaning?
    A mere gist, but not quite.

    Writting since requested,
    as if content yet sad at heart.
    While drinking a home-made coffee,
    enjoying a butter-tart.

    It's the little things, like this,
    that differs you from me.
    Varies him from her, and,
    contrasts they from we.

    Unknowingly scarring
    forever's track of life,
    people give in to fleeting
    jumping free to suicide.

    Full of shame I confess
    that I, too, complain too much.
    Even when I am ok,
    or have a friend to stay in touch.

    After a short life of living
    while breathing sinning air,
    I've seen hunger, greed and killing,
    however, feeling too much to care.

    But I can honestly, truthfully say,
    though with a sappy mind.
    That today I am content,
    without the happiness I strive to find.

    These are a few from many thoughts
    strategically placed to rhyme,
    that can make a lonely second
    seem as if an ocean of time.




    Submitted on 2004-12-22 06:11:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow... I think that this is my favorite. It is really cool. How long did it take you to write it? I really can't think of anything to say accept that i love it which i have already said. AhHHH! It is so cool!
    ~Shadow
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by Moonshadow | [ Reply to This ]
      You already know what I think of this wonderful piece from our conversation the night before Looks like you found the perfect title as well. Many stanas containing so many different thoughts and feelings. Yes you have submitted many depressed, negative writings in the past but your last couple submissions have ben about your happiness so its good to see you embarking on a new journey hehe. (And you said your writes weren't coming) Just goes to show you you never know what you can acheive till you try and look what was created! Talk to you soon.

    ~Emily
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      This was an interesting piece, but I felt it was forced. If your writing is usually dark, then the bright moments in this one seem pretentious. It's almost as if you were saying to your friend, "You want me to do happy? Ha, I can do happy-watch this!" Instead of the response that may have been truer to yourself: "I write what I feel. If I don't feel happy, then I won't write happy. I am who I am. Don't blame me for that!" Write who you are, not who your friend wants you to be. Even so, a fine job on this. -Lazy Spleen
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      Brother we get along so I'm just going to tell you that you need to take those last two lines and put them away. Save them for another poem because you have more art in those two lines than the rest of the poem altogether. imho this isnt' the type of poem for silly rhymes.
    Your friend is worried about you and you are speaking of suicide, perhaps not your own, but suicide, and you are rhyming with stories about butter tarts?
    OK, first you will find what you are seeking by giving it to someone else. I'm not talking about the poem, I'm talking about the boredom and what you are seeking. When you feel powerless to do anything to help yourself, throw your efforts into helping someone else. It will work, you need to trust me on it.
    As for the poem, let it flow, let it grow. It'll come when it's time. But those last two lines are a bit of your genius, truly,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]



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