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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: upon my epitaphdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 256
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1949
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 6591



    Description:
       thoughts, as usual.

    EASY VIEW BEFORE THE FORMATTED VERSION.

    and yes, i'm a sick bastard for calling this love poetry.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsupon my epitaphdots
    -------------------------------------------


    EASY VIEW:

    there is a picture
    laid to rest
    between worn pages,
    the tale of a boy -
    beautiful, benign -
    and a limits girl
    who never found the
    edge
    of her world.

    a tale that ends badly
    but captured here
    before the finale on celluoid
    bereft of his guilty blush,
    void of her tear-obscured
    passion driven
    plans,
    twinkling in a matching pair of
    bedeviled/beloved
    green eyes.

    here is the table where lovers
    end their lives
    an ever ready silver gun on one side
    poison of a bittersweet nature
    on the other.
    here is where love
    comes to
    die.

    FORMATTED:

    there is a picture
                          laid to

                                          {rest}
    between worn pages,
    the tale of a                       boy -
              beautiful, b e n i g n -
    and a
           limits                        girl
    who never found the
                              edge
                                     of her world.
    a tale that ends b
                           a
                             d
                                l
                                 y
                                   ,
    but captured                 [here]
           before the finale on celloid
    bereft of his g u i l t y blush,
    void of her tear-obscured
                                     passion-driven
                                                       plans,
                    twinkling in a matching pair of
    bedeviled
                   /
                                beloved

    green eyes.
                                      [here]
                                               is the table where lovers
    end their lives
    an ever
             ready silver gun on
                                   one
                                   side
    poison of a b i t t e r
                               sweet nature
    on the other.
                                      [here]
                                               is where love
    comes to
                                           {die}




    Submitted on 2004-12-22 13:10:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Unformatted, the poem speaks. Formatted simply improves everything about it, giving a sort of carefree lilt to everything in it.
    | Posted on 2008-09-10 00:00:00 | by Kat Tudor | [ Reply to This ]
      First off what I really like about this poem is its freeness. The fact that the poet takes risks and goes anywhere she sees fit to is what makes this such a great piece of writing. I have to agree with one of the previous reviews and point out the amazing finishing lines:

    here is the table where lovers
    end their lives
    an ever ready silver gun on one side
    poison of a bittersweet nature
    on the other.
    here is where love
    comes to
    die.

    Love that and love the fact that this poem takes on such a vivid and lively nature. Can't say enough about it.. A fav of mine for sure!
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by ERA | [ Reply to This ]
      i cant say anything that anyone else hasnt coverd.. great peice.. WOW! i love it.. good job... .. woah.. i cant wait to read the rest of yours :)
    danielle
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by sacred_tears | [ Reply to This ]
      I definitely connect with what I THINK your intent was. The wording brought to me an image of DiCrappio's... whups, DiCapprio's... Romeo and Juliet. I always enjoy reading things that are a little cummings-esque, but the reason a letter is capitalized is so the Word becomes Important, even Holy.
    To my knowledge, a celluloid is a part of a plant, so I didn't understand that part.
    If you intended for the formatted view to look like something specific, I didn't get it.
    I very much enjoyed reading this. I love your cadence, and the feeling of love's demise grips my heart still.
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by O_Mal_Caor | [ Reply to This ]
      Well first off I noticed how some people didnt seem to like how you presented the piece in the non easy view of this poem. I must say I enjoyed it and the reason why is I feel it adds to the disjuncted feeling that goes along with the topic at hand. I read this and think back on my "first True Love" as it were... and how I felt at the end of it. I was lost and incoherent. Part of me did die the day all came to an end, a part that I could never reclaim and at this point in my life I don't know if I'd want to. I read thi sand yes I thought about reomoe and juliet but I also saw beyond that. I see this as a testament that when we take on a new love and it ends in a way the person we were dies, because when it ends things will not be as they were and can never be that way again, but without that pain how could we ever hope to truly understand and embrace joy when it is apon us. I really enjoyed reading this piece and I intend to read more of your work!-John
    | Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, I am reminded of the work of ee cummings . . . the way you break the rules and make them your own . . . take a simple poem and transform it into something more than just words or story . . . the effect is compelling. Technically, what can I say? It's wonderful!
    | Posted on 2005-03-09 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      "here is the table where lovers
    end their lives
    an ever ready silver gun on one side
    poison of a bittersweet nature
    on the other.
    here is where love
    comes to
    die."

    hmmm. can i say i love it? cuz i do. i don't even really want to commet cuz it's just gonna be me kissin your ass. i will say this though. add to favorites.
    | Posted on 2005-01-22 00:00:00 | by Butterfly Bullets | [ Reply to This ]
      I'll stand by Sean Allen, the first thing I thought after the first read was Romeo and Juliet, gun and poison vs dagger and poison.
    The formatting, hey, whatever floats your boat.
    It is hard enough for me to get through the topmost version, the slashes and dashes and brackets and falling letters, it's like reading poetry after drinking scotch. Wait, I'm drinking scotch now.
    But I've tried a bit of this cascading stuff and know how much time you spent, so obviously one of us knew what it was all about and felt it was worth the effort. Guess that makes you the smarter one.
    *salutes*
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      ...well my apologies for not quite getting it.
    theremust be a concept behind it.
    maybe you could explain?
    i agree that this is not something that is an esy thing to do, and it must have taken you a good while, but like others i struggle to see it for what it is. but perhaps i just need a little time to adjust to get it and appreciate it, which is one of the reasons, along with the interruptions, that i have come back to see it.
    i am sorry if my words disappoint.
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      hi again,
    sorry i did not return as quickly as i would have liked, but i get lost in real life as well as in here, and i forget where it is i have been, who it was i was talking to and what i have left unfinished.
    and this i ssomething i have left unfinished.
    firstly, about your format.
    im not sure that i get it. i have been looking long and hard at your concept and all i can se is a profile of a cartoon or hardy type man sticking his tongue out with a rather large boner.
    or is it a banana?
    i dont know. perhaps i have an overcharged and childinsh imagination, but i really seel that i have to look for something here, because it is such a predominent part of your piece, and it seems to swallow up everything else around it. perhaps i am looking in the wrong place. perhaps your concept is not on an artistic level but that of motion or direction.
    ummmm...
    ther is something very poignant about your words. i will confess that i took the easy route and read the words in their unformatted form, but i could not look past hardy's member to see the words in front of me.
    in the piece that just is, you say a lot with little wording or apparent effort, and the words just make their own way along and down.
    i think that some of your devices work in the formatting, for example:
    'there is a picture
    laid to

    {rest} '

    'who never found the
    edge
    of her world.'


    'but captured [here]
    before the finale on celloid
    '

    ' is where love
    comes to
    {die}'
    it is at these points where you really make the words work with the way they read and hold.
    however, i think these are slightly confused by areas such as:
    'bereft of his g u i l t y blush'
    this hold us far to long on the word guilty and makes it read in a far too overpowering way,
    'the tale of a boy -
    beautiful, b e n i g n -'
    likewise here.
    ...
    and now i have to go o o o
    again as my
    green
    eyed beloved has just walked in the
    door.
    but i really want to finish the job i started. it has gone way beyond just giving you a comment, but it has gone on so long it has become a mission statement of life, it is an end that i need to have gain closure, i need to rest and be at on1e with my soul and lay the demons of interruption to sleep.
    what the fu-ck,
    i will return
    on1eday
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, you probably know this already (from the amount of comments) but this really is amazing. The formatting really works, reminds me of a blurb of a book i once read (and I liked it, so that's a compliment.)
    I like your choice of words too, and the way it flows. I personally prefer the formatted version, even if it harder to read because the structer adds to the emotion and overall feel... it works well . The last stanza in particular is very well worded, sad and yet incredibly fitting.
    I love this poem, and I'm sorry if I've rambled . but yeah, this is amazing.
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by Spirited | [ Reply to This ]
      i loved the poem blue, but the format the second time.. not so.. looked messy that way and all the emphasis and feeling was already there, so just felt a bit pointless.. and detracted from. but... hey, it's always good to experiment. i really like that description.. 'a limits girls' very cool sound.
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
      well you know how i feel about playing around with formatting in poetry... but i feel there are certain parts where it's a bit over done and just makes it harder to read the poem rather than add anything to it.. but that's only in certain parts.. like the formatting of the line "before the finale on celluoid" (and i think there's a typo in there too..) .. by reversing the direction of the line it just confuses the reader and i had to go back a line or two to get back to where i was..
    without the text formatting in general.. it is a powerful poem and definitely carries your trademark eloquence. but with the formatting.. it makes it a more interactive experience.. the reader feels they are being taken on a roller coaster of a ride with the poem.. and i love the formatting of the last few lines.
    it almost felt as i was reading it that the spaces and formatting made it read like a spluttering engine.
    very interesting work Grace.. would love to see more of these kinds of poems from you.
    | Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. That is the first word that came to mind as I read through, especially as I read the formatted vers. The idea reminds me of an elephant graveyard. How elephants know when death is near and go to a specific site to die. Using that same idea in a poem is very creative, for I've never seen or tought of using it in such away.


    awesome poem. its pentabulous. fantabulous time five.
    | Posted on 2004-12-27 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
      the pop art sculptor klaus oldenberg did fashion a headstone for a friend called Ed.
    he made it in the shape of a slice of bread and missed out the b,r and a - to spell e d.
    just like that, with the spaces in place. sort of formatted if you will.
    regardless of the poncey arty farty requirement to make a statement, he patently missed his dead chum.
    true.
    well (merry christmas) this is like that.
    a spastic eulogy for the type of emotion that can bend your limbs.
    and green eyes are the ones that watch it happen.
    i find.
    irredeemable romantic.
    for my part I prefer the well trodden format but I can see why you did it this way - it's the film part you've been rehearsing for and these are your prompting notes...
    easy
    squeezy
    k
    (celluloid?)
    | Posted on 2004-12-25 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this poem didn't blind me but it was so close! I think you succeded in doing many things by writing this poem, and the first thing you succeded to do was confusing and torturing the readers (At least me)!

    I thing the basic version was so so confusing and so so complicated and I think love poems should be simpler (im point of view).

    Anyway I'll talk about the easy version as it's a normal and easy one! I think was this poem (The easy version) is very well written and very well presented too, the words are very well chosen and suitable to the idea or the subject of the poem.

    I really liked the last stanza (The finale)

    "here is the table where lovers
    end their lives
    an ever ready silver gun on one side
    poison of a bittersweet nature
    on the other.
    here is where love
    comes to
    die."

    "Here is where love comes to die", these are very powerful words indeed.

    I'll end up by saying I always like new ideas in everythig but to be honest I didn't like this one, but from reading the easy version I can say you are a good writer, so Good luck and keep it up.

    P.S I need to rest my eyes now because I can hardly see.
    | Posted on 2004-12-25 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh boy this confused me to no end! I couldn't focus and concentrate on the words... I wuz just trying to find the order I wuz supposed to read them! Yeah so I guess I'm not very coordinated. But when I got down to the not-formatted, 'Easy View' version... I thought it wuz great. The last stanza wuz very Romeo & Juliet-esque, which I love (modern version here, with the gun and whatnot), so good job on that... whether you meant it that way or not. I assume you didn't, but whatever. And I have green eyes so I enjoyed reading about another pair, or two perhaps? People don't talk about green eyes enough... we should start a revolution, like the Beatles. Anyways, I liked this poem once I finally wuz about to comprehend it... I think I'm just not one for all the fancy schmancy stuff
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]
      YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! Oh my gosh, this is wonderful! We should put it up on this flag on top of the Eiffel Tower so that the entire world can see it! Somebody (besides me, but I don't really count) discovered formatting on this site! It was amazing, truly amazing. I love your word choice to. . . the part about this being a rather bad love story, but it's captured here anyway. . . sorta like one of those out-of-the-way national monuments that no one cares about anymore, but if you get bored you can come and look at it. Also the part about the girl never finding the edges of her world, that was very interesting. Almost sounds like these two people bored each other to death . Jk! I can almost see the girl (just because I'm a girl but you know) sighing with a little sadness but no real remorse, because she's lost her will for everything, and then laying that picture of her and significant other in between the pages of a book that she never opens again, but just lies up on a shelf and yellow for years and years, until you opened it. . . . I dunno. But great write, this really is great. We should share the good news about formatting.
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      Here may be where love comes to die, but this isn't a good place to come and post format poetry! I know how much work this was.
    I'll say openly that the format works against my appreciation of the words, but I'm trying to keep an open mind about it. I know any time we see something we aren't used to, there is an adjustment period. After that period I/we may even come to enjoy this style more than the traditional columns and rows.
    WWEECD?
    (What Would E E Cummings Do?)
    take care,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      holy [censored]!
    this is not what i expected on my return, does this make a full blown picture when you stare into it for long enough?
    have to pop out, will give you my time on my return,
    take care
    on1eday
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm gonna comment anyway:P try and stop me:P i really like it, it's cool and fun and intelligent, the ending was really good too. the formatting works i think except for two places, the "before" going up was a little confusing and the "limits" felt out of place.
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      if you dont want us to comment on it, then what are we to do?
    hmmm
    it would be nice to see the finished peice and be able to give some commentary, so let me know when we are allowed!
    ;-)
    on1eday
    | Posted on 2004-12-22 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      I know how much work it is to format here. I'm fond of spaces between words and it doesn't happen without planning and effort. I do commend your hard work. This piece is wonderful, it felt like a silver bullet had hit my heart. It's just the common remorse over poor communication in lover's lives. But you pick up that the death of love is different thinking, without it, life is truly boring. You've led us down a path of mystery and still left it undone. And it always will be- it's a fave too.
    Thanks blue,
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      curious. what was your reasoning between only bracketing "rest, here, here, here, die". those 5 words seem to encompass the heart of the poem.
    | Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]


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