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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unwanted Needdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: zadhoevlhu13
    ASL Info:    18/f/phil
    Elite Ratio:    4.48 - 97/94/25
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1274
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 623



    Description:
       ......................im in pain......................


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnwanted Needdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Join me in my sea and I shall drown you in this loneliness

    Into the tears locked in those bottles of smiles

    Hold my hand with yours, or do I have to plead for it?

    I need them,

    I need you

    To smile, to laugh, to live

    But I dare not force you

    For this need is such a mistake

    With the comfort of my own silence

    I shall be eased by tales written in my dreams

    And I would smile my tears

    I would laugh my pains

    For you, I shall live my death.




    Submitted on 2004-12-23 08:56:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is really good. i just saw one of my friends' comment on it in hos recent comments saying that this is how he feels right now so i thought i'd take a look at the submission.

    indeed it does seem to fit his life. he doesnt believe that i know how he feels, but i do.

    and im glad that, if he cant truly feel happy, that he tries to act that way for me.

    =]

    once again, very good. i love the metaphors and what-not

    +Moz+
    | Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I love it. It really is how I feel right now on the inside. My eyes actually widened at the end because it's so similar to my life right now.

    I like the flow. But the opening line had a rhyme that I didn't really like. It's a good write, and a good line, I just don't like how it sounds. It left me wanting a rhyme scheme in every line.

    Other than that, good one.
    | Posted on 2007-12-25 00:00:00 | by insphered soul | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good honest poem expressing some deep emotions about someone you love. I feel it is a bit vague in that I am not sure whether this person broke up with you or it is just a difficult time in your relationship. I would tend to think that from your description this person has left the relationship but then you ask him to hold your hands and I am left confused. I think a little more depth and insight could benefit this write but overall a good poem. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-12-03 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      this piece reminds me of michael cunningham's the hours.

    "into the tears locked in those bottles of smiles..."

    such a take on silent misery... wanting to find salvation from others but letting it remain unsaid in fear of taking them down with you.
    so comes the part where you pretend... in order to hide the melancholy sense flickering within. but are times when the silence says it all.

    good job kababayan.
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a little self depressing and slighlty over cooked, in my opinion.
    it is obvious that you know how to write and you have a grasp of vaocabulary, but this reads like many teen angst poems that are, and have been submitted here.
    i would like to say that it is different, but i am afraid i can not.
    and we can be sweet and we can tell you otherwise, but i dont believe that it is right to do that.
    i am not expert, and by no means a good writer to an audience, but when i read something like this and see what is and could be underneath i am not going to let it past without what i believe to be an honest opinion, and reasoning for that opinion.
    here is why i have read this piece a 1,000 times:
    'shall drown you in this loneliness,'
    'I need you,'
    'For you, I shall live my death,'
    these kind of lines are here many times a day, and it very much undermines some potentially nice writing, in my opinion. for example the following lines:
    'Into the tears locked in those bottle of smiles'
    but without the direct use of the word tears,
    and;
    'I shall be eased by tales written in my dreams' but without the direct use of the word dreams.
    there is a fine line between writing something that has beauty and something that is a little sickly-sweet, and it is only the difference of one or two words in a line.
    and that is that,
    im kind of sory, but im kind of not.
    me is all i can be,
    take care
    on1eday
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very well written piece, quite lyrical. Only a couple of nitpicking details that would iron this out into a serious masterpiece. The second line reads: "Into the tears locked in those bottle of smiles" "Those bottle" is grammatically incorrect-it should either be "those bottles" or "this bottle", whichever fits with your idea. The lines that reads "For this need is such of a mistake" is also grammatically incorrect. There should be no "of" in this sentence. Otherwise, it is an excellent piece. I am adding to my fav's. -Lazy Spleen



    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this; it's very honest, if a bit scattered, and I can tell that this poem is the result of a free flow of ideas. In any case, I really love the first line. That's such a wonderful image. As mentioned by a previous commentor, this poem is a bit unclear at times, and there seem to be a number of themes. Here's my take: I feel as though you want to reach out to someone, but at the same time, you are trapped inside yourself. Your want to share your pain, but at the same time, you can't force this person, and you're not even sure you want to...

    Anyways, keep up the good work, and go ahead and reach out to other people...

    Christy
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by WingstoFly | [ Reply to This ]
      Such big meanings behind these few sweet words. This is definitely a very nice poem-like thing. I like it a lot, and it really hits hard to what I used to be like. Yeah, I am 14 I could give a damn if you don't listen to me because I am younger than you. I used to write all misery poems, all sadness, then..someone whose name I will leave unstated came into my life, and..I am in love now. I never thought I would love again, and I have. Anyway, just remember, no matter what has happened to you..there is always someone who has it worse. Someone who is living in a more..run-down house. Someone who may not have enough money to buy new clothes every year. I never understood this until I met this guy. And now..I am a completely different person.

    Yeah, I know..doesn't sound like a lot coming from a 14 year old, does it. Yet, I am most likely a bit more mature than anyone my age, or even a couple years older. I really like this poem, don't get me wrong. I am just trying to say, in what I know is a bad explanation and I am probably wasting my time by writing it...I am trying to say..don't give up with your life. There will be someone who needs you sometime in life. I know this now. I can only hope you can learn this..before...well..I'll leave the end of that to the imagination.

    -Jess
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Crimsonpathways | [ Reply to This ]
      On some level I have to agree with on1eday.co.uk but not quite to the extent of his (or her) comments.

    This theme is something I've read about a million times before but there is something about it that makes it refreshing to me.

    "Into the tears locked in those bottles of smiles
    Hold my hand with yours, or do I have to plead for it?"

    &
    "And I would smile my tears
    I would laugh my pains"

    Those are the lines that got me to look at it differently ... more than just another poem about a commonly used theme.

    Your wording was intelligent and your structure was effective and allowed for a nice flow.

    I say good job.

    Still
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by StillimCold | [ Reply to This ]


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