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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Descriptive Blackdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1694
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 624



    Description:
        This is a very different piece than what I usually write. Just figured I would go outside of the normal and try something different.

    The poem is basically my interpretation of the color black...of course with other meanings within it. Hope you enjoye the piece and I look forward to whatever you might think or get from this one.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDescriptive Blackdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Black,
    The heart tangled vine,
    Creeping into the cracks of,
    My room where every,
    Emotion seems to choke the other.

    This darkness moves subtly,
    Like the serpent of Eden,
    Waiting for a chance,
    With half truth and disguised,
    Lies...to tear my morals down.

    Sweet as the apple,
    The first that brought humanities,
    Depravation and mortality.

    It teases the tongue,
    And my eyes turned down,
    A shadow of Black is,
    Unavoidable as where there is,
    Light there will always be,
    My shadow.




    Submitted on 2004-12-23 11:32:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Okay. Couple things of interest here...first, I find your use of commas curious...I think you're using them to dictate pause when reading, a kind of beat if you will. To me, they are distracting. Personally, I use as little puncuation as necessary, but that's just me. Many people have said they find it hard to read some of my stuff because I don't dictate the rhythm for them. I tend to like to leave every bit of interpretation open to the reader as possible. In your case, if you were to break this down as if a story, most of these commas would be improper grammar.

    Another thing of interest is the thought of black being sweet as an apple...I've never thought of black as being a particularly tasty color. I do think it's cool how you've tied it in with the Garden of Eden, and the whole temptation flavor, because I agree that black can be very tempting...Hell, i've eaten so much of it it's made me sick in the stomach a time or two...

    K...this probably sounds like I'm being a picky little prick, and perhaps I am. Truth is, I like this a lot. I once wrote a piece called Keeper of the Black (not worthy of submission here), which I think had much of the same feel as this one, so it was really cool reading this. I felt a connection to you...I find the opening stanza (save for those damn commas lol wonder if there could be some other device used) to be exceptional, it grabbed me and kept hold all the way through. You closed nicely, accepting the fact that these temptations and evils will follow you forever, which is so true. Black follows us all.

    All in all, you've taken a point, explained it well, stayed focused on it and used creative thought and strong imagery from top to bottom. Therefore, in my humble opinion, this is an excellent piece of poetry.
    | Posted on 2005-01-23 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd read "The Colour of Revealing", so I thought I'd take a few steps back and read the "original" source of inspiration for that poem. I'm a dreamer, but yet a realist at the same time and that's exactly the reason why I take a liking to what you wrote in this poem... also, I can completely relate to what you wrote in the first two stanzas... sometimes it's sad that we live in a life where we are cursed with only the knowledge of what we feel for others, but not what others feel for us. What we say about others, not what they say about us. The list goes on, you know what I mean. But unfortunately, that's the way it is... to deny such an obvious fact would take more than optimism, in my opinion... even optimism has its limits - enough to see what the real world is really about.

    Yeah, like you said, this was a similar format to "The Colour of Revealing":

    Sweet as the apple,
    The first that brought humanities,
    Depravation and mortality.

    Touch of religion? I'm not a Christian, but that's something about Adam and Eve in the Bible, right? Where they ate the apple, and it rendered them mortals... correct me if I'm wrong about that though. I'm not very well-informed when it comes to religion, even mine.

    By the way, this poem was an excellent write too... the ending was remarkable:

    Light there will always be,
    My shadow.

    What a way to end... I preferred this to "Colour of Revealing", to be honest, so it would be a crime not to add this to my favourites. Well done!
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
      The serpent of Eden. Nice. That line right there brought a darker, more foreboding image to the piece. It set it in a way too. I really liked the image I got from that. Such powerful words. Awesome. (Doesn't suprise me, you're bloody awesome!)
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      that was an interesting poem that really described how one individual is relating to his own mortality and the accompanying risks and hazards.it was a different poem and you did receive some good comments for youe efforts.good luck and fare well.
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by sickly | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate to criticize such a well-written poem as this, Geremy, so instead of doing so, I will make my statement and present a challenge and be the first to accept the challenge. It seems such a common thing for poets and lyricists alike to express themselves in shades of black and grey. I guess that we, by nature, are more realistic about things. Life is not always bright and cheery and we recognize that. However, I would like to see some among us write a poem that doesn't start with or involve or be consumed with "black" for a change. How about a "white" poem? I tell you what, in response to your "black" poem, i will write a "white" poem and challenge you to do the same. This is out of our element as poets, I realize, but it might be fun. What do you say?

    Now, since it seems I have totally destroyed the point of your poem, here is what I liked about it:
    I love the idead of a room "where every, Emotion seems to choke the other." That is a really original concept on every level. I like the way you compared darkness with the serpent of Eden: "Waiting for a chance, With half truth and disguise, Lies...to tear my morals down."
    And the Eden metaphor continues quite effectively with "Sweet as the apple, The first that brought humanities, Depravation and mortality." It's a really nicely written poem, Geremy. Thank you for sharing it! -Lazy Spleen


    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      There is alway that shadow over us, telling us to choice the wrong theing, make the wrong choices, Few of us are good by nature, but many of us are good by choice, I must say I am only good by choice. The shadows and entangled hearts wrapped in the blackness of the world. I like, even though I am not all that religious, how you brought it make to the first story of humans, how from the time eve was in the heavenly garden, the blackness has followed us. It also reminds me very much of the story A wrinkle in Time, and how people really can make a difference in the world to over come the darkness and depresion many face.

    Your poem was wonderfully written I really enjoyed how you stated that the serpent creeps bringing half truths, but the rest i s lie sure everyone can relate to this, for many of us can't tell the whole truth so wee cover it up with the lies, only later regreting so. Anyways I really enjoyed reading this.
    much love
    kaity
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]


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