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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Color of Revealingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Geremy Smith
    ASL Info:    20/M/Pennsylvania
    Elite Ratio:    5.79 - 171/145/23
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1386
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 734



    Description:
       Ok this was a challenge to write about the color "white," instead of writing of black as I did in my poem "Descriptive Black."

    If you read "Descriptive Black," this poem here has the same formatting, just different context and about a different color. Yes this is a first time thing and I can't say I'm proud of this write but I'm throwing it out there anyway.

    Look forward to comment and feedback on this, since I usually don't write about anything that's "white," or necessarily cheery.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Color of Revealingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    White,
    Responsible spirals of righteousness,
    Becoming blemished so easily,
    As if every speck not radiant,
    Is in total contrast,
    To these pages of revealing.

    It hurts the eyes,
    Of humanity that take,
    A chance to stare into,
    Its face of perfection,
    Fluorescence indiscretion.

    Lays it all on the,
    Table in plain view,
    Not a crack to hide.

    Symbol of the Almighty,
    Standing through the weather,
    Of humanity as we,
    Continue to encircle this,
    Colors opposite.

    Flushing out what I,
    Hold dear because on this,
    Itís all revealed to be,
    Brushed away.




    Submitted on 2004-12-23 16:33:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      this poem said alot and I think simply for that it is awesome...you are very talented, very clever...I haven't seen wrinting this meaningful in a long time...be proud.

    Becoming blemished so easily

    I think this is how I see white the most...I mean I think of purity but easily corrupted and I think that this line said that perfectly...bah this was awesome.
    Fare Thee Well
    Jazmine
    | Posted on 2005-05-06 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Dammit Ger! Those commas are killin me...Open this up by ditching them! K...sorry...I just feel like I'm intelligent enough, and most your readers are intelligent enough to give pause at the end of a line...kinda why you break off and go to the next line anyway...They, are, so, distracting...K, nough...sorry, just making me crazy because I love so much about this piece. I liked the black one a lot, but this one is even better.

    I love how you state the obvious (white is good and right) but in interesting and colorful ways, like "Responsible spirals of righteousness"...Again you state your opinion in a convincing way early on and stay true to it throughout.

    I love, love how you point out the revealing factor of white...like a white carpet, easily stained, so is the pure heart...you also mention the connection to God, which is cool...

    I like how you tie it up in the end, with what seems to me a kind of confession that you, yourself, are not this squeaky-clean, pure white soul.

    Excellent work Geremy. If this comma thing is kinda your signature, I'll have to adapt to it, because you have too much to say for me to let a little thing like punctuation get in the way...
    | Posted on 2005-01-23 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I haven't read your piece about the color black but this is a good write. White is the color of purity. In one of my pieces *I don't remember which one lol* I wrote about the purity of a new bride in all white or something to that effect. I like all aspects you presented about the color white. Overall really good to read. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-12-27 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a really great write. The consept of writing about a color is a little challenging, but its even harder to write about the color white. You did a wonderful job.
    Becoming blemished so easily,
    It says it all, not only about the color but about people, we start out so inoscent and pure, somewhere along the line our clean slate becomes stained.
    Great job

    Rain
    | Posted on 2004-12-27 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      A Color of Revealing (Reviewed)

    White,
    Responsible spirals of righteousness,
    [I love the alliteration in this-nicely done]
    Becoming blemished so easily,
    [more alliteration-excellent!]
    As if every speck not radiant,
    Is in total contrast,
    To these pages of revealing.
    [don't quite understand this line, but the rhythm is nicely executed]

    It hurts the eyes,
    Of humanity that take,
    A chance to stare into,
    Its face of perfection,
    Fluorescence indiscretion.
    [your word choice is impeccable. you do a great job of rhythm without rhyming and rhyming with great rhythm as well]

    Lays it all on the,
    [lose the comma at the end of this 1st line]
    Table in plain view,
    Not a crack to hide.

    Symbol of the Almighty,
    Standing through the weather,
    [nice picture-very appropriate]
    Of humanity as we,
    Continue to encircle this,
    Colors opposite.

    Flushing out what I,
    Hold dear because on this,
    Itís all revealed to be,
    Brushed away.
    [i like the ending-brushed away somehow reminds me of the line "standing through the weather" in the previous stanza-I guess it's because we just got snow here and one of the aftereffects of that is brushing it all away...]

    nice answer to my challenge. you'll be happy to know that others have answered the call as well. check out my original post "a lighter shade of white" and see the comments. thanks, geremy, this was a great piece.
    -Lazy Spleen
    | Posted on 2004-12-27 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this poem. I love the discription in it. To discribe what white is, is something that few people can do well. Most often they come off cheesy or with something everyone else says. Your discription though...especially this stanza:

    It hurts the eyes,
    Of humanity that take,
    A chance to stare into,
    Its face of perfection,
    Fluorescence indiscretion

    I love that it is painful to look into the innocence of this light. That it is so flawless, it hurts. You really did a great job on this. I will have to go and read the one about black. Keep up the great writing.
    Happy Holidays
    ~jane
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Jane Lost | [ Reply to This ]
      Symbol of the Almighty. That line not only set this piece, but tied to it's...continuate, "Descriptive Black". I enjoyed both pieces and I like how you wrote in different variances of what appeared to be the same view.
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I loved this poem! Really, I do. I thought the opening stanza was fantastic:

    White,
    Responsible spirals of righteousness,
    Becoming blemished so easily,
    As if every speck not radiant,
    Is in total contrast,
    To these pages of revealing.

    I myself have always found colours interesting but I haven't written about one, or read a piece about one either... haha, as you say, you don't usually write cheery poetry - don't we all. Anyway, I thought the choice of wording and flow of the poem was very well-done... but that's just about as much that I'll say about the style, as you requested for thoughts. My opinion on the perfection theme of the colour white that you wrote here is that it doesn't exist... white has long been a symbol of perfection, flawlessness, but I think the true beauty lies in imperfection. And even if there were, I think that it only lasts temporarily, only for a moment. Like the colour white, it is too easily blemished - and once it is, it is no longer what it was: perfect. Perhaps, perfection can be achieved, but even so, I still think it's only temporary.

    I was particularly interested in the second stanza:

    It hurts the eyes,
    Of humanity that take,
    A chance to stare into,
    Its face of perfection,
    Fluorescence indiscretion.

    Can I ask if there is a hidden message that you imply through this stanza? I find it a bit puzzling why you would write about how it hurts to look at the colour of pure white/perfection, as true as it is... that's why I keep thinking that you have a hidden message somewhere. I take sincere interest in other people's works, so I hope you'll reply to this.

    Well, this was certainly an excellent write... I'm adding it to my favourites because perfection is one of my favourite themes to read and write on - and I simply loved the way you wrote this. I'll be looking out for more of your work!
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it, Geremy! (Pssst. . . is that really how you spell your name? Neato!) Anyway, I really did like it, so much I'll prolly put it on my favorites list. One thing. . . did you really mean to have a pause at the end of each line, because that's how it sounded in my brain with all of those commas. Usually commas either represent a pause in train of thought or are used for grammatical reasons, but you had them at the end of every line. ???

    Anyhoo, like I said this is really neat. I loved especially the rhyming of perfection and indiscretion. Clever rhymes thrown in where you least expect them. . . something I like and love a whole bunch. Something I noticed. . . on black, you can spill something a thousand times and never notice the difference, but on white a single blemish ruins the entire thing and draws your attention away from the rest of it (which remains clean) to that one mark of transgression. Something that this made me think of, which is neat because I don't get new ideas and thoughts out of poetry. Good write. . . let me know if you go back over it.
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      really bice write...i haven't read the descriptive black poem, but i imagine that it is just as good. you say that you never write about anything white or cheery, and that's awesome that you tried something new. once you get sucked into that circle of angst there's not an easy way out. Despite what you may think, i believe this poem is not really cheery. in my mind, you descrie white as blinding absence, a color that merely reflects what you cannot bear (so you squint your eyes). it's almost a paradox in that your words are for the most part euphemistic, but the actual theme is not. i absolutely love this. great great write. and a beautiful title. often times, absence and how we handle it define us, reveal our inner souls. this is so inspiring! favorites! (and i haven't added one in awhile..
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by NoMoreGoodbyes | [ Reply to This ]
      your description was telling: that it is thrown out here anyway. Well it does show and despite what I think is quite a challenging brief, you've resorted to a sort of list making style with the tenor to underpin it so, for a colour this light and ethereal, the structure is quite restrictive and overbearing.
    And whilst the word choices do in some way rescue the piece from concrete boots, the caps and commas do conspire to regimentalise.
    I would have preferred to have seen a flowing, free-form piece:

    Responsible spirals of white righteousness
    become blemished so easily,
    as if every speck not radiant
    is in total contrast
    to holy pages of revealing
    and it hurts the eyes of a humanity
    that takes a chance to stare
    into its face of perfection...

    ...and so on. You know well enough how to loosen things up a bit - I just happen to think that the colour white will respond well to a slightly more gentle squeeze than the one it's been given here.
    Take it easy.
    Lemonsqueezy.
    Later,
    K
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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