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    dots Submission Name: Flying Ondots

    Author: TDALBH
    Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 63/57/15
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 856
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 552


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    dotsFlying Ondots

    Flying on
    Time's newborn wings
    Past clouds of fire
    And black lit stairways

    Soaring on
    Legends' newborn winds
    Past colored shadows
    And childeren of old

    Floating on
    Life's newborn gusts
    Past trees of red
    And falling hills

    Flying on
    Love's newborn wings
    With someone new
    Over cold Cliff's edge
    With love in mind
    And hopes set high

    Flying on
    All's newborn wings

    Submitted on 2004-12-23 19:12:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      it puts an image in your head.. one that discribes everything you said.. making me feel at peace. i really like it, the word play is great and wouldn't be completely understandable if i didn't know you... hope you post more... i would love to read them
    | Posted on 2004-12-26 00:00:00 | by darkwisdom623 | [ Reply to This ]
      nice piece...just wondering if "flouting" is supposed to "floating"? you create some cool, almost gothic/autumnal images. I enjoyed the feeling this creates...
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by Jemma Dumptruck | [ Reply to This ]
      someone had already mentioned the "floating" typo.

    The main thing to me was that there was a few instances of repetition that kind of damaged it.


    IN the fourth stanza and final couplet you use the word "flying" 3 times, "newborn" twice and also the word "new" in the very next line after newborn.

    Sometimes these things can really add style to a piece but I don't think it does so much in this one. If you could find a way to remove some of that repetition I think it would improve this poem.

    This advice was meant to help not offend, whether taken or not good luck in all you write.

    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      nice piece and I do think that flouting is supposed to be floating but I didn't catch that until I read it again. But I liked how you made the images connect...but I think that you used newborn too much or maybe you just used it to make a point known...I don't know. It sounds like some sad cliché' of love and not the real thing but that's just me.
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]

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