Out of Our System

Author: Superman ASL Info:    21 Lady Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695 /377 /71 Words: 114

Class/Type: Poetry /Love Total Views: 1616 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 751

Description:

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Out of Our System

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Take the smoke from your hair, And use the tar from your lungs, To create a pathway from your heart, And out of your system. Take the memories I hold, And the photographs you burned, To make a staircase out of love, Away from the sun. Use the tears that I've cried, And the beatings you gave, To water your soul, And wash me away. Then take the love that I have, The coating of my heart, And tear it to pieces, Rage away the pain. Take the ashes that remain, And throw me out to sea, Never think of me again, Take me Out of our System

Submitted on 2004-12-26 19:26:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

Okay - one thing here I'd recommend is ending every stanza with out of our system, to create that repetitious mood so that we get the message. I liked the first three lines of every stanza but the lack of any system in the last one left the orb of metally stuff kind of disfigured. Just make every one end in out of my system and the metally stuff will probably be okay. God bless the metally stuff!

| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]

I like this. It takes the reader to a place where they think that the person is ready to leave this relationship (which perhaps abusive?) and then it pulls you back into a reality where this "leaving" almost seems impossible. You accomplish this through the strategic use of "I" and "you" then you throw in a "we" or an "our." I also like your choice of words and the way you build your images. Not only do I literally see the words forming the specific images like the staircase away from the sun, but I also see a scenario, a history, a story. It's simple and easy to swallow but in a good way. Nice write.

| Posted on 2004-12-27 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]

I read this powerfully written poem of yours as closure on happenings of a dark nature... abuse... letting the abuser know you are not the victim he/she has made you out to be and giving a final warning that it's all over... you are looking ahead to brighter horizons and won't let anyone crush you... I like that.. it's got strength which shows a lot of promise when someone can break free from the vicious circle of self-doubt and low self-esteem that come about in situations of abuse... that's usually what makes it so difficult for the abused to break free from it all... although this is filled with pain there is confidence in knowing you have done nothing wrong and you won't put up with it... well, if not you, the character of your poem speaks loudly in that direction :) ... very inspiring write :) thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my posting... I appreciate it very much :) take care :) xx

| Posted on 2004-12-27 00:00:00 | by Fiine Moods | [ Reply to This ]

How did you get that word to be bold?? I can't ever seem to do that, because when I try I just get an IM box that pops up, lol. Anyway, nice write.

| Posted on 2004-12-26 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]

All the time you spent double-triple-million checking your poem... sorry, I found something! Hey, ya dared me. It's in the very first line... oh the horror!... Nothing major at all, just didn't put the 'r' on your. See?... Take the smoke from youR hair Good poem, by the way. Hope certains parts of it aren't true life, but if it is... you shouldn't have to deal with that, especially being so young. I hope it gets better for you. Keep writing

| Posted on 2004-12-26 00:00:00 | by WaxingPoetic | [ Reply to This ]

Yay Superman! This is really good. . . it's going on my favorites list. . . maybe the only thing that took away from it was the part about smoking, because that set me up to think the poem was going to be about don't-smoke-etc.-etc. . . . but other than that it was good. You just have to give your reader some idea of what the poem's going to be about so that they'll follow you and not get confused. There are a few "flow issues" that I'm going to go through and edit. . . just to give you some suggestions to make this great piece even better. (You did have an error. . . you said "you" instead of "your" in the very first line. . . ;) Take the smoke from your hair, And the tar from your lungs, Create a pathway from your heart, And out of your system. Take the memories I hold And the photographs you burned, To make a staircase out of love, Away from the sun. Use the tears that I've cried, And the beatings you gave, (I would work on this line but I'm not sure exactly how. . . the gerund is a little awkward; also, I would change the word gave because it pretty much rhymes with the last word of this stanza, and since that isn't a continuing theme I would make it go away) To water your soul, And wash me away. Then take the love that I have, And the coating on my heart, And tear them to pieces, Rage away the pain. Take the ashes that remain And throw me out to sea, Never think of me again, Take me Out of Our System I don't know if italicizing works in comments but I would do it instead of bolding. Other than that great job. I really loved this poem. -Secret

| Posted on 2004-12-26 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]

I'm so sorry. I know you wanted someone to bash this, but I just cant. This poem was so good. It was so deep, I cant believe I am the fist to comment on it. "Use the tears that I've cried, And the beatings you gave, To water your soul, And wash me away" I loved these lines especially. All of them really but the poem on a whole reallg gave you a sense of how a person going through alot of heartache and pain could wish so much to be taken out of this system. This was real nice...I want to put it as a fav

| Posted on 2004-12-26 00:00:00 | by Spriing | [ Reply to This ]

i really like this. it's so visual that it could mean so many things, yet obviously only one. i like at the end of the take it out of OUR system, it implies that both have problems and both aren't perfect, everybody's human(or alien in some cases) -wildchild

| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by wildchild | [ Reply to This ]

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