Innocence by EternitysLyre

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Innocence dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	EternitysLyre
ASL Info:	20/M/Taiwan.
Elite Ratio:	7.13 - 151/168/42
Words:	123

Class/Type:	Poetry/Happy
Total Views:	459
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	891

Description:
Just...because.

Innocence dots

-------------------------------------------

(because)
He talked to the moon all night
And (someday,
He wanted to be just like her)
You didn't need words
'Cause she always understands

(because)
He thanked the grass
Laying down beside them
(the grass is always smiling between your toes)
Tickling them back with his fingers

(because)
He was hugging the breeze
(who just loved to say hi)
The wind always hugged back

He didn't have a watch
(So he never ran out of time)

(Because)
The night fell
Softer than velvet

He loved to sleep under the stars--

~"And he saw everything, (because) he saw nothing.
(And that was everything.) "

Submitted on 2004-12-28 05:02:17 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I thought this was very sweet, but agree that the way that the lines are formatted disrupt the flow and make it a bit difficult to read as it should be.

I get a vision of either a blind or mentally-disabled boy taking simplistic joy in nature because it makes him happy and he doesn't know any better (and who are we to judge or insert our knowledge into his innocence?) and doesn't have it inside of him to think otherwise.

Very gentle and sweet vibes left from reading this...thanks!
| Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  To me this is on the verge of being really good. It's strength is the simplicity with which it's written and the simple logic of the boy.

Some thoughts...

(because)
He talked to the moon all night
And (someday,
He wanted to be just like her)
You didn't need words
'Cause she always understands

I'm not sure that I like the brackets, especially when they start on one line and finish on another.
In this first stanza it feels like you have mixed tense...he V you...so I'd like to see somethign like...

He didn't need words because she always understood

(because)
He thanked the grass
Laying down beside them
(the grass is always smiling between your toes)
Tickling them back with his fingers

Here I trip again because you can say "a piece of grass" when refering to one piece or you can use "grass" when refering to a whole lawn of grass...to refer to grass as "them" seems wrong. You also have a double on "them" in this stanza. I like the theme and ideas very much but the delivery is letting you down a little.

(because)
He was hugging the breeze
(who just loved to say hi)
The wind always hugged back

He didn't have a watch
(So he never ran out of time)

This line is really cool and is a great example of the logic which makes this poem so endearing.

(Because)
The night fell
Softer than velvet

He loved to sleep under the stars--

~"And he saw everything, (because) he saw nothing.
(And that was everything.) "

As you close out this poem I think the little twist you have has the affect of being cute and yet approaching something deeper.

I don't think you get there with enough impact but it's a good start.

Enjoyed the piece DB
| Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow! A beautifully written, genuinely happy poem. I love your use of parentheses throughout. That carries the meaning som much farther. I understand this so well:
"You didn't need words
'Cause she always understands"
And this line is so me:
"He didn't have a watch
(So he never ran out of time)"
This closing couplet was just so appropriate and so eloquently written
~"And he saw everything, (because) he saw nothing.
(And that was everything.) "
I'm adding to my faves. Thank you for sharing. -Lazy Spleen
| Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]
  Well.. I don't know if it was the fact that I was really tired, but I think that made me smile, just a little. Good stuff, I Don't get the ( ) things, but that's probably because I have no real style.
| Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by Das_Ein_Sinender | [ Reply to This ]
  Aw, I loved it! Truly beautiful, and pretty, and deep, and everything else! My favorite line was this one.

He didn't have a watch
(So he never ran out of time)

It just brings this image to my mind of a person stranded out in the middle of eternity's river, lost in the ripples of time and no longer wondering and thinking about what is going to happen to him. It's almost as if he is just thinking about how he could spend forever with this girl, and how he sees forever in her eyes. Those are my thoughts anyway. It was beautiful!

-Secret
| Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like the way this poem goes. I like the care-free feeling shown here, I remember when I was little having that feeling, I wish I still had that feeling. Sometimes, to tell you the truth, I do have that feeling when I'm with a certain person, Jay is his name. I love that name, Jay. It makes me think of blue birds. Anyway, I realy like the part about him not having a watch, I dont have a watch either. But I cheat, I have a cell phone instead. hehehe...
| Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by TDALBH | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.