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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Moon gazingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.74 - 1359/1263/81
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1508
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1116



    Description:
       I'm not very good at writing happy things in general, and love things in particular. I hope I found something close here. Feel free to let me know if I missed the mark completely, over-did it or whatever...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMoon gazingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Why is it that we notice the moon most
    in the early stages of love?

    I swear it winked at me
    when she touched my leg
    That first lung-clutching contact of

    skin
     on
    skin

    Was it an accidental finger dance
    of circumstance, or
    did she want to suffocate too?

    Later we kissed forever, however
    apprehensive we each were
    The thick August night's air

    lifted us up

    and held us

    as if to give the moon a better view
    I'd have winked back, but my eyes
    were otherwise occupied



    Day fell upon day and
    way went upon way
    until eventually

    gravity

    pulled us

    back
    to dirt (as it always does)
    Happenstance happened by chance
    to find separate ends for us

    To this day I watch each full moon
    for a wink (or at least a sigh)
    and wonder if    she

    is watching

    too




    Submitted on 2004-12-28 22:42:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lung-clutching, excellent. Just excellent. You literally wrote exactly what it feels to know you're in love for the first time, or the however many times. I love how you worded that.

    This was a perfect description of finding love, having love, losing love, longing for love. All in the same piece. I enjoyed the bittersweet ending.

    I hope to read more from you,

    *hugs a plenty*
    ~Avry~
    | Posted on 2005-05-23 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ]
      is watching {it}

    too

    And, my friend, that's the only suggestion I have. I don't know how the fukk you could be looking at the moon while all this is going on, so the entire poem rang untrue for me. I mean, you must be one dreamy muthafukka, cuz I sure as hell couldn't do that! I don't care if the moon winked and threw hundred dollar bills at me, I ain't lookin at the beyotch while I'm getting my first taste of something so sweet! hahahaaha.

    Contrived as fukk, has to be . . . HAS to be! NO WAY MAN! Cuz vaporlock of the brain sets in and NO MAN thinks about the moon, unless he's one of those lunaphiles!
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I shall stop by now and agin to read a poem or two of yours to restore my faith in poetry after reading a few of the average daily submissions. The trouble is that although I might give an original appraisal, you are so heavily oversubscribed comment wise. I had already noticed Riekie by the way as someone worthy of comment.
    You start your poem with a neurolinguistic trick, not only a rhetorical question, but one that has already presumed an incontrovertible truth. It's difficult to resist the persuasive power of such a ploy, but I shall. I notice the moon late at night, because I have been up late for some reason. As the years have rolled by, I have taken to my bed earlier and earlier, but when I was younger and in prime mating condition, I would have been out on the tiles more and seen more of the moon, but pure coincidence.
    That's why we still, as hairless mammals, have those little hairs on our legs to enjoy that first contact. Women who shave don't know what they're missing. Sorry, back to the romanticism of your poem. I like the sophisticated use of line length to give emphasis and to vary the pace of the action. This is definitely a nothing can recapture that first fine careless rapture moment and you have done it well. The wink nicely brackets the first incident of your poem and adds just that dash of humour which is needed when you enter into the arena of love where poignancy can so easily tip over the edge into mushiness. You stay within the poignancy. It is a moot point whether you actually need the coming back to earth part of your poem at the end. Perhaps you do to stress the poignancy of the first part. You can't have a high without a low. I liked this poem, David, but I think you have failed miserably in writing a "happy" poem. This is a gently sad poem, lamenting the passing of youth.
    | Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      judging by your description i was so ready to be all YOUR POEM SUCKS! but it was actually REALLY cute. i like the whole skin on skin part. the whole thing over all was great. i like the way you seperated your stanzas and stuff. sad ending though :(


    i bet she's watching for a wink too <3
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]
      hazardous as it may have been to trust the ever watchful moon, the story was very good. i like the way you used spaces instead of quotation marks. the words were used nicely, evenly and easily understood. love's first breaths, always (although sometimes not very long) lift you off the world and put you in one of your own, just for the two of you. this is a fine piece of work. good job.
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by butterfly wings | [ Reply to This ]
      Don't change it. Never change this piece. You have found a happy moment. I LOVED IT. Seriously. The moon winking at you. Skin on skin. Finger dance. All your words were really beautiful and touched my heart. I feel this piece. Words have so much power to them when written right. You have done just that. I wish I had suggestions but honestly this is just so awesome to even think about changing. I'm definately faving it. Whew I have tears in my eyes as I bring myself back to reality after being lost inside this magical piece. Brillant.
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      never written of love, eh? well, you did a beautiful job... happiness... well, maybe it's because i'm pessimistic, but this piece was kinda sad for me... like he lost something and wishes he could have it back...

    why is it that we notice the moon most
    in the early stages of love?

    i think it's because the night, stars, and darkness are considered romantic, and couples are usually more romantic in the first stages of love...

    was it an accidental finger dance
    of circumstance,

    i got confused after reading Barlow's comment.. he made me think this is about sex... which was not my first impression.. maybe i'm just a naive girl.. but i was thinking about the very first touch.. when you like someone a lot.. you think they like you, and you finally end up alone or just sitting next to each other somewhere and there hand happens to be just barely touching your leg.. hoping that they did so on purpose... but after reading the next bunch of lines, i see how he got sex out of it... i just like to think of innocent moments i guess...

    it's the ending that finds me sad.. he still longs for her, looking to the moon... remembering... i cant help but think that she's not looking at the moon anymore...

    this is a really beautiful poem though.. you should use this theme again sometime
    | Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by besodemuerte | [ Reply to This ]
      O.K. I read it twice again, and I'm FAVing it.

    Great job, Dave!

    Great form, great phrases, and a love poem thta lives.
    | Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      O.K. I really, really like this one, I haven't decided how much yet, I've only read it three times, but I'm really impressed by it. A look back upon a momentary love that was not to be, with the moon as the focal point. It could have been a trite love poem, but you've made it interesting, through the use of images and form. "A lung-clutching contact", "accidental finger-dance",and " to find separate ends for us", are some of the lines I loved. The ending is just perfect for this piece, wondering "if she is watching too". Now, I must say that the form in which you've constructed this adds interest as one is reading along. I mean you've got a pretty common theme here, love, moon, summer and all. So, how to make it new is to change the form, and add some creative phrases, all of which you have done. So, a poem, that could have been just another love poem, is now, a new and original one. It also is one that I thoroughly enjoyed. Will have to read it some more to decide just how much.


    Phil
    | Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice....finally some good love poetry on the site!! Your words pulled me in right from the start. I do appreciate how you started the poem with the question-Why is it that we notice the moon most
    in the early stages of love?...that's so great-it just sets the tone for the rest of the poem. I love how you vary up your ideas in this free flowing pattern. And I also love your tone of voice here...the subtle gentleman....applause all over again. I have no suggestions, i'm sorry I'm fawning all over the piece but I loved it that much. Great job!!! This is going in my fav's.
    ----wandering
    | Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by wanderingpoet16 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is an exquisite piece, there's only really one place were I think you falter. For some reason I'm hearing an Englishmen's voice, like on of those period pieces that is narrated throughout...this is delicate, innocent and gently wistful.

    Some thoughts...

    Why is it that we notice the moon most
    in the early stages of love?

    These lines are a great lead in...I just feel for the narrator because the question gently speaks of innocence that was lost and hints that some of that innocence lives on.

    I swear it winked at me
    when she touched my leg

    These lines seem to speak of youth...the moon winking knowingly..."you're in son" (~_^) (excuse me ladies)

    That first lung-clutching contact of

    skin
    on
    skin

    I love "lung-clutching" and the way you formatted skin on skin.

    Was it an accidental finger dance
    of circumstance,

    This is really the only part of the poem I have a problem with. It's like you were trying to avoid the obvious and elegant cliché here that you ended up with a phrase that almost has 2 left feet. The end rhymes are beautifully done though...Almost missed them as they are so unobtrusive.

    or
    did she want to suffocate too?

    Ugh!!!

    Later we kissed forever, however
    apprehensive we each were
    The thick August nights air

    lifted us up

    and held us

    as if to give the moon a better view
    I’d have winked back, but my eyes
    were locked

    into

    her soul

    This passage is just beautiful...and again, I'm hearing a gentle voice that is awed by the beauty, even after all these years. I love how the poem turns back on itself and you talk of winking back to the moon. The soul part is a little hard to believe. He was kissing her....and I don't think he was locked on her soul at all. I bet his own soul was opening up into the sky but contained within his heart...just barely...so maybe look for a different and angle...



    Day fell upon day and
    way went upon way
    until eventually

    gravity

    pulled us

    back

    to dirt (as it always does)
    Happenstance happened by chance
    to find separate ends for us

    To this day I watch each full moon
    for a wink (or at least a sigh)
    and wonder if she

    is watching

    too

    You have some unique and uniquely beautiful rhymes/plays on words and again you hark back to the moon but this time the man is much older. It's beautiful how the moment has survived the time and the grace of it lives in the way he remembers and steals some time for wishful thinking.

    This is a beautiful poem. Beautiful!
    | Posted on 2004-12-28 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      "Was it an accidental finger dance
    of circumstance"-So creative a line! I love that rhyme! Like butter.
    "Happenstance happened by chance"-there's another one!

    This is very sweet. I'm a big moon watcher as well...and I recall in the early courting months of my relationship, gazing forever at the night sky...perhaps as to not have to look at each other with all that overwhelming passionate electricity zapping us. Perhaps to share the beauty of the winking moon...who knows. But your poem certainly brings back lovely memories of those times.
    "Lung-clutching" is tremendous. You are so creative in words. I love how your mind works.
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      I had to make this one a favorite too. for some reason you speak for me and apparently for alot of other people too (as evidenced by the number of comments you get). this is another great poem by a very talented writer. you remind me of someone I met from MI or rather, who I thought he was, I guess. I don't know you either, so I guess it's your poetry that reminds me. whatever it is, it makes my day!
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all I wanna say it seem quite obvious to
    Me that you are capable of writing a happy piece.
    This was exquisite, and I hope to show you why I think so.


    “Why is it that we notice the moon most
    in the early stages of love?”

    -What gets me about this opening
    is the truth behind the statement.
    It’s like the subtle little things that
    Draw us to the people we love.
    How harsh a reality it is
    When we realize we’ve forgotten those things-

    ”I swear it winked at me
    when she touched my leg
    That first lung-clutching contact of

    skin
    on
    skin

    Was it an accidental finger dance
    of circumstance, or
    did she want to suffocate too?”

    -I truly love your wording.
    To me it dances of the page into my head.
    Theres an air of innoncence in this piece.
    Like I look at this as the interactions
    Of first true lovers-


    ”Later we kissed forever, however
    apprehensive we each were
    The thick August night's air

    lifted us up

    and held us

    as if to give the moon a better view
    I’d have winked back, but my eyes
    were locked into her soul



    Day fell upon day and
    way went upon way
    until eventually

    gravity

    pulled us

    back

    to dirt (as it always does)
    Happenstance happened by chance
    to find separate ends for us

    To this day I watch each full moon
    for a wink (or at least a sigh)
    and wonder if she

    is watching

    too”


    This was an exquisite piece.
    I seriously loved your wording and the presentation of the piece
    You painted for me such a pure innocent image
    of the simple things in love.
    How easy it is to forget the joy
    Of looking in a loved ones eyes.
    Though I must say in regards ot the end
    I think its more hoping and not wondering is shes
    Watching. I see it as you want her to be watching
    Because that would be one more thing you were sharing.
    -John
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      Eloquent
    Exquisite
    Energizing
    Enigmatic
    Excellent
    Explantion of
    Ecstacy

    The moon is a lusty creature integrating us in love's
    mystical con foundation. This is truly wonderful, Dave
    it's a fave, you get rave reviews from this po poet.
    It even glows in the dark.
    Nan
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a sweet and interesting poem about the early stages of love. I liked how you spaced the poem out on the page. You skirted the spots that could have fallen to cliché pretty well, in my opinion. Back to dirt instead of back to earth is the example that first comes to mind in that regard. There were a few spots I had alternate ideas to share, but I wouldn't say I saw problems in your piece there, just some things that one writer would do differently.


    as if to give the moon a better view
    I’d have winked back, but my eyes
    <were locked into her soul>
    {were occupied,
    otherwise}

    (I saw how you were trying to play off the eyes as windows to her soul there, but I thought my alternate intimates it more subtly, that was one spot that did border a bit on cliché for me)

    to dirt (as it always does)
    Happenstance happened <by chance>
    to find separate ends for us
    {by chance}

    (maybe that works better there, maybe not,
    just sharing it as a possibility, you have to decide)

    Well this one garnered you many great comments and much help, good luck with everything!
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, with all these comments, what is there left to say? The part of this poem that sticks out for me is your description of love fading and leaving. I think your first love is the one you always remember. Is there any other one more pure? I especially enjoyed the wording in this poem. It leaves me with the bittersweat memory of what if. I think you can write love poems.
    | Posted on 2005-01-02 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't read the other comments so I hope this isn't too redundant. I think that the internal rhyme in the beginging is a strength, but as we read through the piece it feels more and more forced. I'm not a fan of the line did she want to suffocate too? I just don't like the word arrangment. Have you heard the early counting crow's song suffocate? I thought that the break up seemed kind choppy in areas; didn't understand why some lines broke wheb they did, however it is very unique. I like your use of alliteration here and lines like lung clutching contact are beautiful. thanks for this beautiful write, needs some improvement, but it' a good start. peace
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      Absolutely loved this! I remember a full moon shining in the sky the night a particular 'friend' told me how he really felt about me. That was almost ten years ago and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. We've been married, had two children, and sadly separated. However, we are now 'dating' each other again, and your poem reminded me of those early days. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Poetofsorts | [ Reply to This ]
      Remember those old butterflies!

    I remember something very similar happenning to me one April night years ago. I like this one a lot, and although long and with a very unusual structure, you hold to the point well and the improvement in your recent writing is marked. Am so glad you wrote this one. It's a very unique way of writing about love's found and lost.

    Ae fond kiss and then we sever, ae fareweel alas forever...
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by Sanny | [ Reply to This ]
      Excellent, it's true about noticing the moon more when love is new. I can never look at the full moon without seeing Jackie Gleason from the beginning of the Honeymooners. I like the sound of "lung-clutching" and "finger dance
    of circumstance." That last rhyme is worthy of Dylan. "I’d have winked back, but my eyes
    were locked into her soul" is so romantic.
    There is so much great wordplay and rhyme in this. I liked the cummings-like:

    gravity

    pulled us

    back

    to dirt (as it always does)

    This is excellent. I can't find anything constructive to say, sorry.
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't normally bother to read any posts to do with love. They are generally all too trite, depressing or, to coin a ord, jingleistic, but I am glad I stopped by to read your poem. I was pleasantly surpriseda nd impressed. You write with controka nd purpose. You decided to use varied line length and to use the ultra short lines for particular emphasis. Your poem had a clear overall structure bounded by two winks of an eye. In short your poem was a crafted construct, not just a lonely ramble through a turgid wood. Well done.
    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      hi there,
    i wanted to comment on this the first time i read it, but i thought that i needed more time. i find 'love,' poetry very difficult. it seems to play and nag at me. there is a voice that constantly tells me that all love poetry is sh-it, and it never goes away. but i always try to accept new things in my head, which is not easy, and give things a fair chance. much like pop music or such, you have to look at it like you would anything else, so that if you really think it is sh-it, well at least you can justify it.
    unfortunately this site has a lot to do with this mental barrier, because i have read so much tripe on the topic of love, that it is very hard to judge something on its own merit, especially in the early days on this site. that is not to undermine it here, because things come in crests and troughs, just like in life.
    to give fair critique you must judge everything on an individual level i believe, regardless of type, of author [friend or enemy], and it is something which i try to uphold here.
    as of late i have read some 'love' poetry that really is quite good, and have learnt more to appreciate it for what it is despite the fact that it is not really my thing, instead of judging it on what i like.
    the very first thing i noticed on this piece on the first read was that you are doing yourself an injustice by saying that you are not good at writing this kind of poem. this really is far better than you give yourself credit for, and that in itself is nice.
    look at the comments you have. you have definitely succeeded in reaching people, and that is nine-tenths of what it is all about, in my opinion.
    making an analogy about the moon in love poetry could be determined as a little cliché. this was my immediate impression, but i have an irrational fear of cliché it seems. but as i got to line 3 i enjoyed the way you used it, and not just speaking of it being full and bright and sitting under it in a star filled sky. so this was refreshing.

    'when she touched my leg
    That first lung-clutching contact of,
    this is a sweet pair of lines that sit nicely together, and lung clutching is something that really paints a picture of that feeling we have all had at on1e stage, that we dont get very often.
    nice.
    i would be inclined to write the following section:
    'skin
    on
    skin.,'
    all in on1e line as follows;
    skin on skin.
    i see that you are trying to hold the words out and emphasise the feelngs that came with it, but in my opinion they sit well next to each other. the line written like this mirrors the two of you being next to each other, and gives the line a more romantic feel for me. i was talking [commenting] to someon1e else about how important appearance in a piece is as a conceptual tool[in my opinion]. if the piece looks like it should, then you have the beginnings of a powerful art form. for example running water would want to fall down the page, voices in your head would want to run across in on1e continual line, and so on.

    'Was it an accidental finger dance
    of circumstance, or
    did she want to suffocate too'
    this is an excellent inquisitive stanza.

    'Later we kissed forever, however
    apprehensive we each were
    The thick August night's air,'
    im not sure that you should capitalise The in line three here, i would say that it distracts from August, which should be more in focus than it is.

    'lifted us up

    and held us

    as if to give the moon a better view
    I’d have winked back, but my eyes
    were locked into her soul.'
    again a nice way of portraying your feelings here and the way you have given 'lifted,' and 'held' their own space in the piece works well will the conceptualism i was speaking of earlier, because in reality these actions would have space around them.

    'Day fell upon day and
    way went upon way
    until eventually

    gravity

    pulled us

    back

    to dirt (as it always does)
    Happenstance happened by chance
    to find separate ends for us.'
    your use of vocabulary in relation to your emotion here is excellent, as it is the way through. i would offer a little reshuffle of this section to:
    'day fell upon day and
    way went upon way
    until eventually

    gravity

    pulled us
    back
    to dirt,
    as it always does.
    happenstance happened by chance
    to find separate ends for us.'
    i feel that the space you have given the previous stanza is being encroached because you are making it mainstream in your whole piece, and it is the contrast that gives the words power here. so i would not overdo the spacings. it seems right that gravity gets its own space, and that there is a pause between back and to dirt, which i think is still evident there without the gap. i dont think that the brackets work too well because they read like an afterthought and your eyes [well my eyes] hold on the brackets for too long. and the capitalisation seems a little wayward, perhaps it may benefit form being given softer starts to lines,,,
    maybe.
    and on to the end of your piece. i think it is effective the way your last lines fall out and down, and seem to slow and hold. im a bit dubious about the double spacing before she. 'she' seems to warrant her own line, but i really like the way you have ended a very good piece of writing.
    take care
    thanks again
    on1eday.co.uk


    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      you've done very well! i love the idea of the moon winking! very clever. this is a beautiful love poem, really. kissing is my favorite thing, so i could relate to you kissing forever. i also enjoyed how you were lifted up so the moon could get a better view! this is really clever and very sweet!
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


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