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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sailor Part Twodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1049
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 774



    Description:
       I wrote this poem for my faincee calling her to come in my life to decorate it with her pretty face. I really feel every word I wrote and I hope you will all find it a good poem. I hope that you will all advise me if you did find anything wrong with this poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSailor Part Twodots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here I'm like that unlucky sailor.
    Moving and moving from here to here.
    With restless body and broken heart.
    Feeling so lonely and terrified.
    From what is kept for him.
    Whispering to himself " What
    Fate is keeping for me?
    When Will I find that place?
    Where I can find an end for
    My broken and tatterd heart.

    Here I've landed safely on
    That far and unknown island.
    The place where you are.
    Lightening that dark island.
    Come on with me, let's sail away
    From here. Come on in my life.
    I need you with me, decorate
    My home and my whole life.
    With you I'll fear nothing.
    No waves or troubles will withstand us.




    Submitted on 2004-12-29 13:10:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi first of all a happy New Year. Now to your poem it is so beautiful.
    You write about your feelings and about your love.
    I am really happy you found the person your were looking for.
    With lotssss of love shabnam
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a nice, positive piece. Those are rare here sometimes. It sounds like a pop song, but that's not a bad thing. Just one nitpicking request and one grammatical correction:
    -Whispering to himself " What
    -Fate is keeping for me?"
    If this is a question, why does the word "what come at the end of the previous line, and not at the beginning of the second line. And if this is truly a question, why doesn't it read "What is Fate keeping for me?" "What Fate is keeping for me", as you have written it, is a fragmented statement and doesn't need the "?"
    Secondly, the grammatical correction: The correct spelling in this line "My broken and tatterd heart." is "tattered".
    One last thing: "Lightening that dark island." I think this would sound better as "lighting". Lightening isn't really a word-it's either "enlightening" or "lighting". Just a thought.
    Thank you, -Lazy Spleen





    | Posted on 2004-12-29 00:00:00 | by Lazy Spleen | [ Reply to This ]


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