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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Relationshipdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Superman
    ASL Info:    21 Lady
    Elite Ratio:    7.37 - 695/377/71
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 950
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1063



    Description:
       I think

    I'm going to let go now.

    "Goodbye cruel world, its over, rock on by..."


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRelationshipdots
    -------------------------------------------


    If a single tears falls down my cheek
    Do not stop it.
    Do not diverge its path.
    Instead watch it flow steathily down...

    This tear represents the love
    The hatred.
    The landmarkings that tear us apart.
    The harsh words screamed and whsipered.
    The last word said...

    This tear represents the pain
    The joy
    The times we've shared together.
    The kisses under the stars.
    Your hand in mine....

    This tear represents the struggle
    The battle.
    The ammo used in preperation.
    The conflicts, the resolutions.
    The time in between...

    This tear represents our love
    The passion.
    The fights we'll never have.
    The scars, the bruises.
    Saying good-bye...




    Submitted on 2004-12-29 20:09:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      WOW! And if I could use bold here with my comments I would. I just got done reading a poem someone wrote that had all the potential but her words did not give the emotion justice. This poem is completely unlike that. (I feel a long comment coming on, so brace yourself.) The first stanza completely introduces the poem so perfectly."Stealthily" seemed wordy to me, but I just tried to look for a synonym of that word and found nothing good... so, in my opinion, something else could go there. "... harsh words screamed and whispered..." I love the continuous use of opposites... and how true that is- that the words aren't always screamed. The "landmarkings" the certain events that take the entire relationship to a whole new level, either making or breaking it. The "scars and bruises" representing a pain of something that won't go away. All these words you wrote with a perfect title, "Relationship." It was exactly that- a relationship with all the emotions from beginning to end. Beautiful work. Thanks for sharing. -Ashley
    | Posted on 2005-11-23 00:00:00 | by 8utterf1y | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the use of the bold effect you have used here, what you want noticed really does stand out. The hatred, The joy, The battle, The passion, good-bye - somehow you've distilled the essence of each stanza with these keywords in mind.

    Just 2 small typos - whispered and preparation, that's all.

    Overall, a very cool poem. I can't critique it all that much since you've deservedly gotten a lot of comments on this already.

    I will say I enjoyed it. *Claps*
    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I really felt the end of the relationship through this. It was like right there in your face. It seems like the perfect break-up poem, you know, from the one that gets the heart broken. I've only cried once when I broke up with someone and it was becasue I really loved him. Or at least I thought so. This is really something everyone can realte to. I know you said to bash it, but my empathetic heart can't find anything wrong with it. I tried and saw nothing wrong. I think that you did a good job of expressing pure human emotion, that everything means something. It was good. The one thing I can bash is how you put "the hatred" and stuff in bold. I think it would have been just as effective if you had just put "hatred" and "passion", etc. in bold. I don't know. That's the worst I can bash it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      The ending was kind of weak, but I liked how it just be talking so softly and I'll be following it then the BOLD stuff comes out like "She is soft soft soft IT BURNS...soft soft soft" Like that, and it made for a beautiful melody. Congratulations. Awesome.
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      i like your poems they are not my syle but i like them a lot very good job i dont have that talent to write the way you do its very good!
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by anita_89 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, amazing...just amazing. i dont know much about relationships, but this let me get the idea of what yours was like... i love how you explained each tear, representing some memory, good or bad. my tears fall, but usually without representation or my knowledge of what they are for. you know exactly why you are crying, and you have a beautiful way of expressing that. i espacially loved the way you began each line, it created so much contrast in the work:

    "This tear represents the love...
    This tear represents the pain...
    This tear represents the struggle...
    This tear represents our love."

    and each line that came after these flowed beautifully into the meaning of the poem in a powerful way. i also really liked the way you used bold to stress certain words and to contrast certain words, it gave a great effect.
    amazing job! keep it up!

    -mandy
    | Posted on 2005-02-26 00:00:00 | by trmbngrl | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm. I definitely liked the bold words. I remember a while back jimmy told us how to do that and I was like 'well wot would we use that for?.' This is a pretty good use of it. The poem is nice, I too liked the repetition of tear and all the things it meant. In the first stanza you might change 'stealthily' to 'steadily' or 'quietly.'
    I dunno i just have a hard time with a tear sneaking down ur face ykno?
    shard
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      Very interesting i liked the way u used ur words and how u express urself its really honest and i really like it keep it up
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by anita_89 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked how you took the smallest thing and gave it so much symbolism. The tear represents everything about a relationship, from its beginning to end, and also represents the finality of it all. You represented all your emotions of an entire relationship into that single tear, I thought that was really nice. Also, putting those words in bold helps to send the message loud and clear, I liked that, too.I can't find any fault in this, awesome write. Keep up the good work! Cheers!
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by Apocalyptica | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm i never use those bold things fro one i dont want to and i dont even know how. but it had an interesting effect in the second stanza at least, first love then hate. did you mean it to be that way? if so then wou;d you kind of explain your intentions behind it.

    also loved the repetition of the tear thingy. the bold added to the effect, but i woul;d advise you not to use it too much!

    well kayla, you're still perfectionist for me!!

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, whereas you could see lots of gaps in my most recent work, there's none I can find here. Man, that was so damn powerful, how can freewrite reach the reader so well? The tear was just beautiful and relating everything back to it was brilliantly simplistic, and made this piece really effective. This is going in my favourites, no complaints! Brilliant work!
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]


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