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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Broken Peopledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Brwnsknsam05
    ASL Info:    32/F/ Cuba
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 399/440/103
    Words: 194
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 785
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1517



    Description:
       This is what I think...take the title in and incoporate it in with the poem...you'll understand it better.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Peopledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lying there shattered
    Dreams a mocking reflection
    Hopes an empty esel
    Respect a purchase too high
    Reason lost on deaf ears

    Here is where memories crumble
    Here is where reality becomes fiction
    Here...forgetting is a better theory
    Then remembering
    Here...is where a broken spirit
    Becomes part of supersition
    Just like a shattered mirror

    In this place...
    Where once a month
    Someone is down on their luck
    This place where sorrow and depression
    Go hand in hand
    Like seasons

    Where millionaires don't exist
    Where the unhappy are the majority
    Where the homeless are at home
    Here...is a place where poetry
    Cleanses, purifies and dwells

    Here...is a place where
    Broken hearts bleed
    Tears stain cheeks
    Here... is where

    Lover's Lane has loittered stones
    Potentional is nothing private
    These...people
    Not dark, not sensitive, just alive
    These...people

    Broken up secrets
    Dispersed on glass
    Their lives tilted
    Almost gone...
    These people

    Here...is the place
    Where emotion is an empty glass
    All used up
    And these people are like...
    An esel ripped apart
    A broken mirror
    With seven years bad luck

    And this is the supersition
    Of broken people...




    Submitted on 2004-12-29 22:58:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      First impression i guess all i can think of after my first read through is, it is about this here sight,with people pouring their hearts out time and time again.

    *Where the unhappy are the majority*

    Can everyone be so unhappy? Well i guess angry or hurt people may want to express themselves through poetry a lot more, i know i probably write a bit more when im down and out, but i think most people not just here are unhappy, money doesnt make you happy, more oppurtunity to be happy yes, but millionaires can squander those chances...Happy is about bein comfortable with who you are,and i think they are in the minority...i did enjoy your poem though , dont think i would have typed as much if i didnt like it..
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by riverseo | [ Reply to This ]
      i think you have the basis for something good here but i do feel that the poem needs tightening in certain places.. and maybe it could be pared down a bit.

    the first stanza is a bit clichéd.. and you have a typo in there.. i'm assuming 'esel' should be vessel? either way.. the images are definitely over-used in general.. so you might want to find a more powerful way to start off.

    the second stanza is much better.. the repetition is good cause it really gives this sense of the endlessness of these people's plight... i especially like the lines "Here...forgetting is a better theory / Then remembering" .. but of course that should be "than" not "then".. i always get those two mixed up as well.
    But you kill the second stanza with that last line of the shattered mirror.. that image is dead and buried. it's just been used way too much.

    the third stanza is good. nothing to really point out there.

    fourth stanza.. again.. good use of repetition... but the poem seems to just slow down a bit here. something is missing. or there is too much of something. i cant tell what it is.. but this part definitely needs some sort of revamp.

    i like the way you use the ellipses in the 5th stanza.. it gives this halting sense to the words.. like you're almost unsure of the place.. which is reinforced with the way you leave the sentence hanging till the next stanza. the only complaint i have here is the actual image of the heart bleeding.. again it's a bit clichéd.

    sixth and seventh stanzas are excellent.. i love the images... especially "their lives tilted" .. now that is a perfect example of an original image.

    eighth stanza.. you have the same mistake as before.. "esel".. ?
    i normally would have said the seven years bad luck line is also over-used.. but then with the last two lines you take that image and mould it into something new that is entirely yours.

    i love the way you end it.. it closes on a very powerful note.

    that's just my opinion of course.. take it or leave it. but i hope you can find something useful or helpful in this.
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      On the second section, the use of the word
    " here" seemed a bit of an over kill. I would try to use diffent words that mean the same as here. I also have to say the same thing on section 4 on the word " where" all this seems to do is slow this down and stumble the poem. I have to say that the poem in whole was deep and you ending was super! I enjoyed it and my suggestion is only of my personal taste is all. You have a wonderful worded poem and I adore it.
    Dana
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]


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