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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cry for Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Brwnsknsam05
    ASL Info:    32/F/ Cuba
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 399/440/103
    Words: 320
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 1062
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1792



    Description:
       A broken friendship.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCry for Medots
    -------------------------------------------


    All
    alone

    Forgotten
    here

    Left
    behind

    I realize now
    That things could never be
    That our friendship
    Was our last bond
    That we didn't deserve one another
    Didn't deserve this pain
    That you threw on me

    Long
    and final last

    I want to sear your heart from your chest
    Make you feel
    broken and a mess
    Living a lie full of your own truths
    Lies a fortune...worth more then gold

    I can't seem to get
    why we started out this way
    First friends, then lovers...
    A path I chose not to play

    I used to sit and wait
    In my own abyss of
    silence
    Memorizing your voice
    when it was no longer there
    Whispering your words
    when you no longer cared

    So, I tried for a friendship

    At long and
    final last

    But you left me like a fool
    Standing on still water
    But sometimes, I think I'm better off
    Without the hole you dug here
    Engraved your name here
    Left your sent here

    And at long
    and final last

    I give your name a rest
    Throw that number away
    And let you turn invisible
    Lost in a world of darkness
    A pitfall in my wound
    My heart has bled for you
    For the last time

    All
    alone

    Forgotten
    here

    Left
    behind

    Is sometimes what I think...
    But then I know its not true....
    for a friendship you chose not to take




    Submitted on 2004-12-30 11:30:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "But you left me like a fool
    "Standing on still water
    "But sometimes, I think I'm better off"

    Two occurrences of the word "But", both starting phrases, and so close together weakens the message a bit. You could change the second one to "And", or just leave it out.

    "I give your name a rest
    "Throw that number away
    "And let you turn invisible"

    Excellent! I liked the tone and layout of this piece, and really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      "Memorizing your voice
    when it was no longer there
    Whispering your words
    when you no longer cared"

    Very neat description

    "Engraved your name here
    Left your sent here"

    I like these lines a lot too.

    I think that you could work on the emotional description just a little bit more though. Add some words to it that will totally scream what you are feeling. You have it started but I think that it could improve (just a tiny bit). But overall this is a really good peice. I enjoyed reading it.
    | Posted on 2004-12-30 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]
      broken friendship? micki, i'm so scared of something like this, i mean, your words just keep sending me reminders os how it could be really hard for me to deal with. so yeah, you're poem really brought that to life. It was dark, but clear...if that makes any sense. i liked it though. your words just make sense to me, you know that? well...take care love and i'll talk to you sometime.

    brent
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem. I like the part that was reaped the most... "All
    alone

    Forgotten
    here

    Left
    behind" I never would have thought to do that, but thats just me and I have trouble coming up with good ideas. I feel like I'm going through this with someone right now, its not a good feeling, and I like the way it shown here.
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by TDALBH | [ Reply to This ]


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