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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Ashen Nightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 176
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1041
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 960



    Description:
       I consider this a prose poem. I know some will dispute that, but I've been reading them lately, and I think it qualifies.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Ashen Nightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sky was the odd gray-black of burned paper that remained whole but would disintegrate if touched. It even appeared wrinkled like that due to the jagged, ashen clouds that crossed it in all directions. It was dark early. The air was molasses-thick as if a tornado was brewing; you could feel it compress your skin like swimming-pool water, but there were no storms for miles. It was September and not at all cold, but she had goose bumps even on the backs of her arms and the nape of her neck. Years later, she recalled this night, trying to pick out the moment that her grandmother had expired. She'd only stepped out for air, but she lingered studying the nearly alien atmosphere, and her elder died alone. She battered herself for not seeing the omens. When she returned to the stifling house, her skin felt as like it was stabbed by pins, and she nearly choked on her guilt. Until she died, she tasted dust inside of her nose and upon her tongue.




    Submitted on 2004-12-31 14:54:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Glad I discovered you. You're one amazing writer!
    I sympathize with your 'heroine' and I pray I'll never be in her shoes. Guilt is one of the worst feelings ever.
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice prose and yes I would consider it just that. it kept me interested throughout and I felt the guilt and sadness of the situation. but death can be a release and a rebirth so it's not necessary to feel guilt if you are not there when someone dies. after all, we all have to do it alone whether we prefer something else or not! just my take on it-your writing is always so good.
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm really intrigued by this, how you've designed the ashen sky, fragile symbol of a life destined to disintegrate. The clouds crease the sky as though a route of escape has been designed. The air close and heavy pressing down, and goose bumps in warm weather. She didn't see the omen, and grandmother
    left while she was gazing at the sky. Everything fits perfectly and her guilt says something of who she is, even down to being mesmerized by the sky's unique characterirstics on that day. Great write,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like how you distinguished that prose would be best suited for this selection.
    it has alot of aspects that are very resourceful to the piece itself.
    I feel that it was breathtaking and moving too!
    it just fits together nicely and there are no breaks that would weaken the meaning of the story.

    I think you had alot of ideas when writting this and you put them to good use.
    the details left me in awe if thats not to much to say.

    overall where's the nobel prize?????

    nice very nice
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by Raven_s Miser | [ Reply to This ]
      This prose is so well written that it reads like free verse poetry. It flows so well and paints beautifully thought provoking pictures. This is a beautiful write, well done!
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by oixi | [ Reply to This ]
      MAN. I really feel this. Especially after reading Tuesdays With Morrie. It reminds me so much of that. The way the elder died. This is really descriptive and I love it. The bitterness left in the womans mouth was the remorse that we all feel in life. Even if we know that someone dying wasn't our fault. The description of the night describes today for me. This early morning looks so gray just like you described. I really fell into the piece I guess I'm trying to say. Excellent. Just Excellent.
    -blt
    Best read of 2005 so far! hehe
    | Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I really love the first sentence. that's agreat image and fits so perfectly to the story you tell the reader.
    I would leave out the parentheses. only them not the content. I don't think you need to put that in parentheses. it fits in there very well. but that'sjust a nit-picking little detail cause it's a great little prose piece. love it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      the opening lines are just great, so visual and tactile even... i could see that paper, curled edges dark and charred, and then hear the crackle of the paper and feel it disintegrate in my hands...

    you've painted a very vivid picture here of the "omen." i tend to pay attention to that stuff myself.

    the ending is powerful, her guilt so palpable that she can taste it. well done, Amy. i would agree this is prose. way to go!
    | Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Athough I am not sure what prose poems are, I can see why this could walk the thin line bewteen the genres.The descriptions are beautiful; metaphors and imagery seen more often in poetry, and certainly evocative of strong emotions as in poetry.

    I particularly like the "wrinkled" "burned-paper" sky and the way you describe the oppressive palpable texture of the evening air, it builds a foreboding that is resolved later on.

    Again, uncertain as to how the format should be, I would suggest a break or two, the first coming after "there were no storms for miles". In that next section then, beginning with "it was September", I would suggest a little tweaking of "but she had goose bumps even on the backs of her arms and the nape of her neck." Somehow after the detailed descriptions that preceded this, and that ominous mood that has been built, "she had goosebumps" is a bit of a letdown.After this point, the details are all internal, the thoughts in her mind, so I felt the turning point was in those goosebumps. Does that make sense?
    Also should it be "the moment her grandmother HAD expired?"There seems to be a bit of conflict in the tense, at least to me.

    The conclusion, where she finds her grandmother has died, returns the reader to the that dark mysterious sky that you began with. Now you can taste that ashen dust, smell it , feel it,— all in memory. That "dust" is now also her guilt. All in all, a very evocative piece because of the way you have the elements acting as omens of death, creating a supernatural "feel" to the story.
    Only other nit-pick was the cliché "To the end of her days"., though I must say, it took a few reads to become obvious.(I think that's because it's old-fashioned, something a grandmother might have said.)

    This left me musing about certain similar events in my own life, -I always think if a writer can do that, take one from here to there-then that is a successful write.
    Silver
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      there's something very disturbing about the way this is written. as i was reading i was already thinking about the first thing i wanted to point out.. how certain words or phrases didn't seem to fit at first like the use of "due to" and "compress" and "elder".. i'm not sure how to explain it.. but some of the words seemed almost clinical.. but then when i reached the last few lines and how you describe her reaction and death.. it's all in a very matter of fact tone despite it being anything but a normal occurance... it adds an interesting dimension to the piece. the lack of emotion makes it actually quite effective.. because i think otherwise you would have risked it becoming clichéd.

    and i was able to formulate a whole story around the two characters with just the few lines you give us.. i dont know why but i imagined that they lived together alone.. it was a farmhouse for some inexplicable reason.. somewhere out in the middle of nowhere.. there is a real sense of isolation in your words..

    very interesting Amy.. but out of curiosity cause i honestly am not sure.. would this classify as a prose poem or flash fiction? i wouldnt know the difference personally..
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      You are the master of all genres it seems... I'm beginning to think there is no style that you cannot master and what I like most is the fact that you are not afraid to try something new. This piece is absolute stunning and the imagery is pure magic. You manage to drag the reader into this ashen night to feel the guilt and taste and smell the dust. Wonderfully done.
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]


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