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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Enough of Namesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 42
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 916
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 305



    Description:
       This is something I wrote yesterday. . . for him. . . because writing a large amount of poetry always seems to be the beginning of these sorts of things. And hope. That awful hope. But this poem isn't even about that, so what am I saying?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnough of Namesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lend me your name
    so that I might
          – in all kindness –
    take it
    and use it
    and pretend that you are here with me
    Your name is enough
          but not enough

    (to keep me warm)




    Submitted on 2004-12-31 21:57:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really love the simplicity of this! It's so effective, the words, the style, everything. :) Just taking his name. That'd be fine, but not enough to keep you warm. I really liked it. In fact, I want others to see this post so I'm adding it to my favs. It's nice to see something fresh and original so gracefully wrote. :) Great job.
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-02-08 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt thys- I actually FELT thys... Wyrd... STOP TOUCHING ME! *shivers* Thys was great- good and kewl and any other word you want to use that is synonymous w/ excellent... I’m rocking out to Bear vs. Shark and I just was punched in the face and possibly sexually assaulted by your work. Peace, love and old candy- ~#6-
    | Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by Six_Grey | [ Reply to This ]
      Names have power, just like words imprint images in our minds, names can conjure up feelings. This hints toward someone becoming significant in your life, even though they may not have noticed you're feeling this way. Maybe the reciprocity will unfold over time, I think there's a reason we hold someone's image in our minds and hearts. The wish for warmth, is a fine way to end this, you've said much with few words. Thanks for sharing this one,

    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Awww Secret, love sucks this way doesnt it. Boyrs worry us ladies minds (I dont think I used proper English there....)

    Anyway, hmm lets see:

    "Lend me your name,
    so that I might
    – in all kindness –
    [Cute, your format in this piece is amazingly accurate to your feeligns, and this^ is the best part]

    take it,
    and use it,
    and pretend that you are here with me.
    Your name is enough
    but not enough
    [Eh, I dunno. It seems clichéd even though I know its not. Too contradicting for something so soft, but then again maybe not....I dunno]

    (to keep me warm)

    Excellent ending. I must say I enjoyed reading this and it just about sumed (hmmm....is that how you spell it) my feelings up to a boiling point.....Oh well. Excellent write.

    --Kayla
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really different than most poetry... and it was good... and I like the end... how his name can't keep you warm... made me smile...
    | Posted on 2004-12-31 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
      ok. i give you points for your semi-original style, even if i disagree with your usage of parenthesis. love is never a "tired" theme, but here you show some spark of originality on the central idea. i liked the way you you the "take your name" (like a wedding) and then the idea of simply having the name, and loving it, but then progressing to the revelation that it isn't enough. i'm curious as to whether you mean that you need more than a name or whether he himself is not enough. a compact and thought-out write, i enjoyed it even more as i analyzed it and broke it down, which is rare.
    | Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, I did like this. Short, yes, but very, very good and very different. I have no changes to suggest. For the first read tonight, I am satisfied - it's really great the way it is. Thank you for this little treat. mae (I know this sounds as though I haven't really read it, but I did, a couple of times. I just really like it the way it is - honestly!)
    | Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      So how in love are you?? You sound like you have pages and pages of your first name and his last name in script, just to see how your signature looks when and if you two ever marry. lol. I enjoyed reading this, it reminds me of innocents. Good work.

    Rain
    | Posted on 2005-01-02 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      I now have a whole truckload of comments to give before I can make another submission, so I thought I'd drop by and return the favor.

    General Advice... eh?

    Free verse is most praised for its breviloquence and poignant power; as of late, however, many poems have lost their bearings it its vastness and drifted into inferiority. A short poem can be nerve-wracking or heart-wrenching, and without doutb incredibly moving, but it can also slip into hermeticism or misstep into supercifiality. While this poem doesn't lack content, the power of free verse is somewhat lost; phrasing can be everything sometimes, and one might have taken the last two lines and written a more compelling conclusion. I might have written something like "(But names can't keep me warm)," or look up synonyms for warm in the dictionary to find "le mot juste" (french for the perfect word, stolen from a classmate of mine ).
    The remainder of the poem creates the perfect setup, a gentle, furtive tone that's an unmistable whisper, hands cupped softly about your ears so no one else will hear it. If you had a more powerful finish, you could turn a good poem here into something magnificent.
    Your use of line breaks is slightly erratic, and at one point difficult to justify. It's understandable that you don't write trying to prove the use of every syllable of your work, but "kindness" doesnt' seem like the right word. Once again, diction could vastly improve what's already quite moving. I'd suggest, in general, using a thesaurus, for fun if nothing else.
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a good example of saying a lot with very few words...
    you give us enough to figure out what it is you want to say ourselves.. without spoonfeeding. it's a wonderful balance that you have found here.

    taking a person's name is one of the less used symbols of marriage/commitment and so you've managed to avoid the pitfall of a cliché of rings/vows etc..

    the last line is brilliant... you undercut everything that has come before it.. which adds an interesting dimension to the concept of a love poem.. it's like you see the shortcomings and despite/inspite of them you still want what you can't have..

    very good poem.. thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]


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