She's hanging from a rope
He's staring at the stars
He was her las hope
But he decided to take the car
Not believing his ears
Screaming through the tears
Calling her a whore
As he slammed the door
Going from place to place
Never looking at their face
Fighting through the day
Looking for anyone who would pay
He wasn't supposed to know
But she felt his suspicions grow
She decided to get it off her chest
Hoping for the best
Thinking, maybe if she came clean
Life wouldn't be so mean
Hoping for a fairy tale ending
Nothing that would need mending
She knew her fairy tale was just a dream
As she listened to him scream
Just another tragic ending
needing more than just a little mending
Staring at the door
she couldn't take it any more
The things he called her made her dirty
And she decided she would not live to be thirty
Looking for a chair
taking in the last of her air
She took the step
And inside he crept
Knowing he couldn't save her
His thoughts begain to blur
He decided to take the car
Maybe find the answer in the stars
Now she's hanging from a rope
Because he was her last hope
| This was good. I liked how you separated everything into to line stanzas. |
He was her las hope
is the only thing I found wrong with it. Maybe like someone else commented, hold off on the hanging from a rope till the end. Will give the story more drama, and more of a beginning end feeling. Good job.
|| Posted on 2006-03-31 00:00:00 | by Euphoria | [ Reply to This ] || Sad and somber, I like it. It flowed well with an interesting rhyme scheme and an original plot. I love narrative stories. This one was done well. The only thing I found out of place was the fourteenth stanza, which seemed like you forced the rhyme. Other than that, it was a great read. |
Btw, check out 'Barbara Jean' on my page, it's a narrative that you might enjoy.
|| Posted on 2006-07-12 00:00:00 | by Jacob Seibert | [ Reply to This ] || She's hanging from a rope- i think there u shld say- shes holding onto a rope|
cuz then the ending would be sooo much more dramatic and u would be left with that :O feeling
like omg- no way
lol- that sounded funny
this is really gd im adding it to my favs
|| Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by MysterydarkPoet | [ Reply to This ] || This is... dark. It's beautifully composed, though I do wish that there weren't quite so many pauses between each pair of lines. It's beautiful and sad, like she was. I do commend you, though, and applaud this piece.||| Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by racconeyes | [ Reply to This ] || wow i think that this has got to be one of the best poems ive seen on here. it relly touchd me bcuz ive read so many poems like this n basically i think that there all the same but this one was different, it was well written n it had some different ideas, good job||| Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by scardnscared | [ Reply to This ] || This was definatly one of the finer pieces i've read so far. Great work. Unfortunatly I can relate a little, maybe more. Your style was perfect and the rhyming was a definate plus. Thank you for writing something so beautiful.||| Posted on 2005-04-30 00:00:00 | by Jessa | [ Reply to This ] || This is a really good write...i hope that it helped you to write it also...just remember that there is hope... and perhaps even a happy ending...even if it is not a fairytale or what you expected...i can relate to this because i used to look for others for hope etc...when i realised that i had to look for all of those things from myself... i found someone very special to share my life with...things do get better and everything has its time and place...nothing lasts forever and it is not the experience that defines us but rather what we do with it and how we choose to see it and what we take from it... you might like my piece called twisted fairytale :) keep writing||| Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ] || THIS STORY GETS ME ANGRY BECAUSE OF THE DESPERATE YOUNG GIRLS THAT DO THIS FOR A LIVING GET MORE ,USED AND ABUSED THAN ANY I KNOW OF! THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS ONE. FOR SOME REASON I'VE ALWAYS FELT SO SORRY FOR THESE GIRLS . THEY'RE HUMAN TOO.||| Posted on 2005-03-21 00:00:00 | by MMISS | [ Reply to This ] || Lord what can I say about you?|
This piece is deep and deliciously sad and wonderful at the same time.
You my friend are a TALENT!
Don't you dare underate yourself.
The way you used your words and the imagery...it was all sheer genius and I mean that.
You are going far dear, very far!
Please stay in touch!
|| Posted on 2005-02-12 00:00:00 | by Wynne Devereaux | [ Reply to This ] || i liked how the poem flowed and i can identify with it. you really expressed the desperation and hopelessness she felt. the wonderful thing about writing is that you can take all the darkness and anger inside and spill it onto the page, it doesnt have to be trapped inside of you anymore.||| Posted on 2005-01-23 00:00:00 | by Ann | [ Reply to This ] || Wow this is a good poem sad but good. I really like it. You did a good job putting it all together. I am really big on imagery and this, in my opinion, had some good imagery. It was also easy to read and follow good job. ||| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by EL | [ Reply to This ] || well... i thought to comemorate the idea of rope. (italian is corda) anyways... norally i dont enjoy reading the whole rhyme thing... but i have to say it doesnt rhyme at the beginning and i like the way it flows... i have a friend who reads alot more stuff and the rcomended me to read some of it... seems really good and i know what their talking about. Your work isn't profound, but it is heartfelt enough. Kudos... kudos indeed. good luck with future writing Ciao! ||| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by BuryThisLie | [ Reply to This ] || Wow, dark. A nice way to put something more to the table when it comes to poems relating to suicide. There is little to criticize, except that I thought your rhyme scheme was pretty shady. That's ok, it was still a great piece.||| Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by Lady Tragedy | [ Reply to This ] || Love it! Just the first couplet made me fall in love with this poem. It has a wonderful fluency, and remains fairly consistent. My only criticism is that it was too short! Love it love it love it...keep it up!||| Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by Deadly Sauce | [ Reply to This ] || It seems kind of repetitive and too rhymy(my own made up word). Its an ok poem and it has potential. :) Keep up the good work.|
|| Posted on 2005-03-02 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ] || Wow- thats a crazy story. Good poem though and your flow is cool with the ryhming. Just know that not all poems have to ryhme. Anyways incredible story but what a sad way to end a life. keep writing||| Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by silly monkey | [ Reply to This ] || I liked the idea, a nice twist on suicide.You made the poem storm in with the first two lines, I don't really like poems that rhyme that simply but you did really well with it. Very nice.|
Remember, to wash an apple is to wash a friend
|| Posted on 2005-01-01 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ] || uumm... yeah... weird to read this as I'm currently like pissed at someone on here for their description of suicide. I think that you could buffer it up a bit. Better wording and so on... but I know how it is... I've typed up all my stuff and people tell me I should change it and I think that's stupid because I already have ONE version of it all nice and neat... don't need to have two... so yeah... but it could really use that. And the ending was good... twists are always an interesting read. Uhh... I didn't like how at the beginning you had the abab structure and then you just changed to aa... through the whole thing... but yeah... besides that... good start.|
|| Posted on 2005-01-02 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ] || This is incredible. The story line is impecable. The rhythem and the flow are great. And the rhymes work, I've read so many poems where the rhymes didn't work, good job. There's a few spelling errors, but who doesn't make those. Run through it and fix 'em and it'll be perfect. Great job. |
Oh yeah, Welcome to Eliteskills. Hope to read more!
|| Posted on 2005-01-02 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ] || I loved it. It's seems to me that you have had a hard life. Well... that might just be me. Please keep writing. I want to read more of you're works.||| Posted on 2005-03-03 00:00:00 | by Maya | [ Reply to This ] || It was so meaningful to me, i felt the pain and troubles that happened. It really makes you think about life, good poem. I really liked the searching in the stars and how you wanted it to be a fairy tale ending, and then coming clean and showing your mistakes. It takes a big person to do that and the peom shows that you still have to fight through the bad||| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Redman12333 | [ Reply to This ] || I like how you tied it all up at the end with the same basic thought you used in the beginning. i like how how the lines sort of rhymed off and on. It's nice, but what does that mean..he decided to take the car?just wondering.||| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by DreamInColour07 | [ Reply to This ] || I like it! I mean, I'm not too fond of the death, but it really does put forward a good point...hoplessness really does utterly destroy people. Putting all your hope in the wrong thing can so often be your downfall...no pun intended.||| Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by sphen | [ Reply to This ] || *ouch*|
Poor poor girl. :( It's sad that people can't see what's behind labels,what's actually underneath. They're just out to judge and criticize,when they themselves are even worse.
I guess never depend on anyone at all,never give that last bit of yourself to anyone except God.
|| Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by Maverique | [ Reply to This ] |