Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Fallen Angeldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Di Re Rakord
    Elite Ratio:    3.56 - 130/125/30
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1352
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1254



    Description:
       When my girlfrend left me she told me "I am as good as dead to you". So i wrote this. tell me what you think about it, anything at all.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Fallen Angeldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Itís so dark here.
    Iím all alone and confused.
    Where did it all fall apart?
    Why do you hate me so?
    Please tell me.

    The sky is going black,
    A reflection of my heart.
    Itís so cold here.
    Iíve got no one left beside me,
    Please come back and help me.

    Iím crying every day now.
    My heart aches for you warmth,
    My soul is shattered and dying.
    I need you more than ever,
    Where are you?

    Why have you left me?
    I still love you.
    I bleed for you every day,
    The crimson stains your image,
    Your picture only hurts me more.

    Please come back to me,
    Every day is like an eternity without you.
    Iím afraid I will die soon now that youíve gone,
    You used to make me happy.
    My emotions have been stolen away.

    I think the knife is digging deeper,
    Iím draining myself of my life.
    I donít know how to stop it.
    I need you to help me stop it.

    So youíre not coming back.
    I guess I will join you,
    I want to see you.
    I hope your there.
    You always were a falling angel,
    I hope I can catch up.




    Submitted on 2005-01-03 02:06:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This piece is a little bit better, but I am sensing a pattern in your writing already. Difficult to explain, it sounds like broken thoughts in your mind working clashing together to form a message. But, you took those broken thoughts and placed them in the right stanza's. I can sense the message, which it is strong, and wont stop hounding on. I'm not going to bother with imagery, i think it's good enough. My favourite line is:

    "The crimson stains your image"

    That just sent this really strong image in my mind. And this stanza/line was my favourite image, sent me a strong message that you really did love this girl, and her being gone is just unbearable... She is, I guess you can say, your soul mate? And her being gone just opened up a wound, you cutting yourself:

    "I think the knife is digging deeper,
    Iím draining myself of my life.
    I donít know how to stop it.
    I need you to help me stop it.

    So youíre not coming back."

    I think this line could be a bit better:

    "My emotions have been stolen away."

    I suggest take the word "emotions" and "stolen" into somoething more strogner, it was a nice metaphor that now she's gone, it's like she ripped your heart out... What could be a better imagery of EMOTION, like... Fire? Solitary candle of your dark and dreary world? STOLEN: Smutted? Burn out? Doused? "My solitary light of you, now doused." Hm, what do you think? Now that I'm looking at this line I quickly created, I just don't think it would fit with the stanza. But, yes, I think you should change that line into something stronger.

    As for the capitalization on every first letter on every new line, you shouldn't capitalize it if the line below it isn't a new sentance... but a part of the one above it with the "," or "-". Someone spoke to me about that on my writing, so this is just a fare warning, there are people out there who are picky with the english language...

    Well, I'm sorry that you and your girl broke up with... a really crude quote. But I believe if the girl says something like that to a guy, obviously she isn't for him. I bet you are one of those guys who don't deserve that kind of respect... I'm sure this isn't helping, I have no idea what went through that relationship. But here's my sympathy for you, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Everyone has, or will... it's human nature. But I believe it makes you stronger, and wiser with relationships.

    Well, thanks for sharing this piece.
    Jess
    | Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy Fricken Hanna...
    sad...very sad
    and I'm so sorry...sounds like it is recent...the break up with your girl...it's never easy.
    You both sound like you're good people and just weren't ment to be together...still doesn't make it any easier huh???

    The poem is good...I could see myself and my ex
    little harsh...well done,
    Kelly
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      well let me just say that you sound like a great guy and so this ex of yours didnt deserve you in the first place. you can do better...

    to get to your poetry...im one of those people who like patterns so for the most part you had 5 lines in each stanza then towards the end it went to 4 to 6 which threw it off a little. also it was a little choppy if you understand what im saying but it hink everyone at sometime(incuding myself) is guilty of a choppy poem. i love your description of what shes done to you and all in all its pretty good but i think you should make a few changes...but its your poem so do with it what you will-just suggestions.
    -sweet
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]
      I too thought this was well written, it contained some deep emotions and disturbing imagery, which gets the reader in touch with you straight away. For me, the best stanza was the last because it contained the best poetic language: "You always were a falling angel, I hope I can catch up." I think the rest of the write should be more like this, poetic, full of images, and not just emotions, which makes it seem more like a rant than a poem.
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      I am feeling your emotions right now I'm going through something similar to what you describe. I really like "a reflection of my heart " because it's so black or whatever it's well, too close to home, but that's what I like! I think work it a little more and it will be more to your liking
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by soullessmr.d | [ Reply to This ]
      a fallen angel... i'm not sure but i'm guessing this depicts someone with certain disregard for conventional notions or someone who has shifted from the usual level of grace in your eyes. still the feelings you have for this person flickers and you often wonder about the "what-could-have-been's". now, although the piece may appear simple... it actually compliments the helplessness that you were trying to depict.

    good job
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Greg this is good poetry but could be better with a small edit. The emotion is strong and so is the message, but there are some words that could be replaced with something a bit stronger in the imagery department that would help give this write a bit of freshness.
    "My soul is shattered and dying" Change dying to whithered
    "Your picture only hurts me more." try something else for hurt
    These are two places that I thnk could be improved. But as far as oraganization you have a solid write.
    jan
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I just finished a journal entry about a breakup that happened 5 months ago (I'm still feeling it), and I can really relate to your poem. I loved the strong emotions you showed, especially through lines like
    The sky is going black,
    A reflection of my heart
    Iím crying every day now.
    My heart aches for you warmth,
    You always were a falling angel,
    I hope I can catch up
    Really good job. I'll be reading some of your other poems!
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by elitegundam | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    40279

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry