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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: to touch a rosedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.74 - 1359/1263/81
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1741
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1137



    Description:
       This piece was written for a screenplay I'm working on, so I really appreciate any input. It is supposed to relate how my character (a poet) is withdrawing from the outside world and pretty much crawling into a shell with the woman he has been involved in an unhealthy affair with. Not sure if I hit the mark here...pretty good with most of it but always room for improvement. Does the ending work? Any advice is welcome. How bout the title? Was thinking about calling it "this angel you"...any other suggestions?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsto touch a rosedots
    -------------------------------------------


    To touch a rose is as pointless as
    to smell a sunset,
    texture incapable of translation
    from one sense to another.
    thus I will embody all of you,
    holding the essence in borrowed places within,
    inaccessible to the detached reality outside.

    In here, your grace saves me
    from superficial desires.
    wanton luxuries void of substance,
    ugly cravings of hungry ego
    interfering with Truth;
    necessities of the soul
    boiled down and reduced
    to you.

    All else is killing time,
    this life of  length  and  longing,
    leaving me in a pattern of stillness.
    rejecting any contact of consequence -
    inconsequentially  trudging
    from day   through   day
    until again we two are one.

    If I never again feel
    the physical sensation of lust fulfilled
    or experience the corporeal impression
    of love exchanged,
    I will rest at ease
    to replay favored scenes and fastforward
    to dreams of this angel
    you.




    Submitted on 2005-01-03 09:29:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      
    Hi.

    Well, you've asked for input so I'll jump right in.

    First, the title could be something more alluring than 'to touch a rose' or even 'this angel you.' How many hundreds of titles have 'rose' in it, but beyond that technical nitpick, 'to touch a rose' as a sentiment has been done and done, you know?

    The same argument can be said for 'this angel you.' How many hundreds of titles have 'angel' in it, or the sentiment of that, you know? I've read some of your other poems and know for a fact that you can come up with something more gripping as a title, something that feels fresh to this topic of the withdrawn poet and his woman.

    Since the screenplay is about a poet, that's tricky ground, because you don't want to rely on all the clichés of the poet, all the melodramas of the poet. So, in effect, it's essential that you the poet, explore, discover, and create inventive and surprising elements that are not commonplace. Your storyline will begin to fall apart as soon as your poet here is all woe is me and melodramatic and . . . not a poet in the real sense, but a wannabe, a hack. Not that I'm one to judge what a poet is, but I do know what a poet is not, or should not be.

    To touch a rose is as pointless as
    to smell a sunset,

    I understand the line break so that 'to smell a sunset' is highlighted, but I think to end the first line with 'as' is weak for a first line, somewhat sloppy. What I mean is this: Your first line should be unforgettable, and there is no room to fuck around, especially when you're telling a story. Even a tiny word like 'as', to end a line, can take away from its supposed enhancement. Again with avoiding clichés/melodramas of the poet--I really don't feel 'rose' and 'sunset' pull me in enough because it's like, okay, the typical romantic imagery that could be replaced with something more original, coming from your own heart, and not what's been written from so many others' hearts time and again. You can also use these themes as a surprise, in that you add your own touch to them.

    texture incapable of translation
    from one sense to another.

    These two lines add strength to the first two, which is good, but the opening can be tweaked a little so that we don't have to wait a few seconds for that strength to come in.

    thus I will embody all of you,
    holding the essence in borrowed places within,
    inaccessible to the detached reality outside.

    Too non-specific, I feel. 'Thus' is too melodramatic, too textbook-ish, too much like since the main character is a poet, he has to use words like 'thus' . . . which is not true. It doesn't sound real enough to me for some reason, you know? These three lines could be scrapped for something more imagistic or tangible. 'Embody all of you, holding the essence in borrowed places within, inaccessible to the detached reality outside' is not saying much that's personal to the poet or to her or to the audience. Not specific enough. Words like 'essence' and 'places within' and 'detached reality' mean different things to different people, and while ambiguity is important in the sense that poems should have layers of meaning and symbolism, the same thing can be achieved through images, and more could be said through images. To make it clearer, in this poem, I remember the sunset. But I'm already beginning to forget the three lines above, about reality and whatnot . . . it just doesn't stick; at all.

    I'll put the non-specifics in brackets to outline them, to save time (sorry):

    In here, your [grace] saves me
    How?

    from [superficial desires.]
    What are they?

    [wanton luxuries void of substance,]
    What are they? And what does substance mean to the poet/you? What characterizes 'substance' as opposed to, um, waste?

    [ugly cravings of hungry ego]
    I understand these ugly cravings, but this can be more visual. And because the ego seems to be lurking behind the curtain at times, it's all the more important to put a face to it and recognize how to have a healthy ego as opposed to letting it be in control. I feel that this part of the poem, especially, is a missed opportunity to describe something that we all feel in such a way that is memorable. Imagery that we will not forget, so that when the ego does start to control us, we remember your image, and know how to deal with it. Am I making any sense? We remember truths by reading truths that are truths because their faces are not shadowed, veiled, or blurry. Reveal something to us by giving ego a face, and once we have that wisdom, that recognition, we can move forward.

    interfering with [Truth;]
    Cliche, especially with the capital T.

    necessities of the [soul]
    Be more specific . . . what exactly is the soul to the poet?

    boiled down and reduced
    to you.
    'Boiled down' and 'reduced' are too easy as expressions to rely on. Something in your own voice would work here.

    All else is killing time,
    this life of length and longing,
    leaving me in a pattern of stillness.

    A little stronger than what I've outlined so far, but still lacking some umph. Not sure what to suggest here, not even sure if it needs changing, not sure what to change it to.

    [rejecting any contact of consequence -
    inconsequentially trudging
    from day through day
    until again we two are one.]

    Melodramatic and cliché. It's beautiful when two become one, but it's beautiful when the experience is described as something rare, or in a way that is rare in itself.

    [If I never again feel
    the physical sensation of lust fulfilled
    or experience the corporeal impression
    of love exchanged,
    I will rest at ease
    to replay favored scenes and fastforward
    to dreams of this angel
    you.]

    Okay, the ending doesn't work for me, personally, because of everything I've said so far, and my reasons for them. I just feel that this poem is an opportunity for a poet to declare his love for this woman, but the declaration falls short, or it sounds like it's trying too hard or something, or that you, the poet, are interfering too much with the poet in your screenplay. As if, you're trying too hard to write like a poet (whatever the hell that means, sorry I'm super tired), instead of letting go and creating new things. It's so essential, so very necessary, for your screenplay to be original, and that is quite a challenge since it's about a poet. You should research this topic and read screenplays about artists of all kinds to see what those screenwriters did, and go in another direction. When it comes to Art about Art, it can get cheesy really fast, or even worse, it can undermine Art itself, and you want to avoid that at all costs.

    It is your creation. Make it yours.


    Now that I've given you my input, I'd like to say that I am interested in your screenplay and would love to read it sometime if you're done with it. I don't know much about screenplays, but I'd like to think I can help with the writing aspect of it at the very least, and would love to discuss it further with you if you're interested. Be warned: I do not pull any punches, I do not offer fluff, and I do not praise if I do not feel the connections. However, I'm the first to cause a ruckus and howl and cheer if I truly feel it, and I will be loyal to that. Always.

    Let me know.

    O
    | Posted on 2008-11-12 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      well the ribbon looks good on ya- I had t o see what was the comotion over here so i read it and its not my cup of tea but I surely seee why so many liked it. It was rather beautifull. Congratulkations once again on the ribbon,
    l.t
    | Posted on 2005-05-18 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      I know what you mean, honestly I do. But touching a rose is not only about the rose. I shows feeling and caring not to mention that you take the time and don't try to rush through life. Love is trouble, and I know a bit about it. So I say touch the rose, pick it up and smell it. Take the time to appreciate whats here and don't take it at all for granted. Smelling a sunset can help make the mood, not only that but it can help you understand your surroundings by understanding the smells. It was a good work but, I don't see the comparison between love and the rose in this context. But again, maybe I'm just misinterpreting your work, if so I apologize.
    | Posted on 2005-06-05 00:00:00 | by Restless_Heart | [ Reply to This ]
      Dear me...

    So I asked Alia about poetry that could be a challenge and helper for me because I am determined to gain better interpretation skills. I know each person's interpretation is unique, but I just suck at it.

    And I don't know what I have gotten myself into now.

    This
    is
    beautiful.

    I mean, to take something like a rose and display it like this.

    Mmmmmmmm.

    Normally a rose is this sign of love, embracement, and it seems delicate and pure. Then you resemble it as this thing that cannot be touched. That truly captivated me.


    The meaning is...

    (this is the part I suck at)

    is just about loving this...
    this...
    angel...

    right?

    The part I'm bad at is Emily Dickinson poetry where you have to analyze it and come up with the meaning.

    But this is just about loving, right?

    The beginning is perfection.

    "To touch a rose is as pointless as
    to smell a sunset,
    texture incapable of translation"

    This actually made sense to me. That's quite an honor, ya know? Most things do not, in any way whatsoever, make sense to me.

    Kudos.


    I am falling in love with your writing.

    Just so you know.


    Jen
    | Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
      Dave, congratulations on winning the Gold for this poem! It's as fine a piece of writing as I've seen here and it gets the Official Crown Seal of Approval (lucky you!) Couldn't happen to a finer human being. In the brief span of less than two weeks, you've been as generous and forthright with the time you've donated to others as anyone on this site. A true friend among all these fretful, jealous creatures, we poets.

    Seriously, though, I will offer a little help with the pic. You can resize it to somewhere around 200x200 and then upload it to whatever site link you're using and that should prevent it from blasting out the right side of ppl's monitors, knocking over dishes, fishtanks, and other breakables.

    Your ending here works for me. Whoever she is, you've graced her with a poem few could resist.

    So say we all!
    | Posted on 2005-02-20 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so aso-freaking-lutely beautiful. bahh. Im speechless. And that takes alot. I always have something to say. Its georgeous. Its going under my favorites. Oh wow.
    Im going to shut up now.
    -Andrya
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]
      i had to check this out since i saw you had gotten a gold ribbon for it...its truly magnificent...a screen play thats wonderful...i love this piece all of it defently going to my favs list...i don't see anything that needs improvemt the write to me seems flawless...i sound like a suck up i know...lol...beaytiful work here i'll defently have to check out more of your stuff...purps
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      Gongrats on the ribbon!
    I love the rhythm in this one, it carries the reader along very smoothly. Although, when you end the 4th line of the 3rd stanza with 'consequence' and then start the next line with 'inconsequential' it seems redundant. Other wise it was very enjoyable.
    | Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ]
      i can see why you got the gold ribbon for this. it is quite beautiful.

    To touch a rose is as pointless as
    to smell a sunset,
    texture incapable of translation
    from one sense to another.
    thus I will embody all of you,
    holding the essence in borrowed places within,
    inaccessible to the detached reality outside.

    i especially loved these opening lines. it's very wistful.

    i have no critique to make. it's quite lovely the way it is.

    ~Shalom
    | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      the title is fine this cliché would only be uncomfortable to a child, the only problem with the title i can see is
    a: to touch a rose can be pleasurable
    b: that is not what your first three lines or so indicate
    so the title is immediately contradicted

    DnD this poem is really good ,very deep.
    i felt the need to read it more than once to be sure that i got it.
    the best review came from a combination of a few comments.

    however_____" i did not" agree with suggestion of the addition of any little wording, were common sense would be expected and/or a natural relation would help.

    this is your piece not a creative writing paper to be graded
    double space if you dammn well please, i took those spaces as pause and breath spots and they worked
    i just had to open up to someone else's way,
    and ooooohhh it was painless

    if this were a painting your strokes being different would be a welcome change to experience
    Learahs translation helped a lot and i only then felt compelled to write.

    the title do not change it, change the contradiction below or explain how the block came about that stopped the senses from feeling

    please note:
    i could be missing something in translation
    so please help me with the example of the rose as compared to sunset;
    To touch a rose is as pointless as
    to smell a sunset,
    texture incapable of translation
    from one sense to another.
    (why?)
    the touch of a rose has so many textures
    insights so many of the senses.

    for example the petal of Even a rose that might not be so fresh to the touch, to even a jackhammer workers hand mimics the skin of any girl that i ever been with, silky smooth a pleasure to rest my lips upon.
    the smell sense aside-sight and feel the rose also has.
    even in a grimy city like here
    .
    another comparison would be needed for this poem to be launched from.
    unless i was to assume a block, is that info filled in
    by something in the screenplay
    DnD, please let me know if i am missing something so much deeper then where i was able to go.
    i was not able to get past the contradiction
    of the rose and the sunset
    by sight they compare
    to touch and smell ok i agree
    [in the real sense of reality there they do not]
    were your senses blocked
    and is that why you felt the need to embody all of them
    hiding the precious essence in hidden cavities away from the world.

    this piece is not mine.
    oh my god,
    this does not feel good
    you won an award for this piece
    so i feel like i am missing out on something

    every thing after that small part is true in regards to love.
    special is the
    detached reality outside.
    god i love that---no-feel it

    the fact that you compare or see
    this person as an angel
    can only bring you closer to being good
    that was my first step toward losing most of my ass ways
    her love for me in spite of who i was
    made me a better person today
    she would have been proud
    i hope
    thanks for bringing me back

    holy sh1t
    did i go on
    sorry
    paulie d
    | Posted on 2005-02-22 00:00:00 | by paulie d | [ Reply to This ]
      ok excellent piece...I have one suggestion
    I feel you should remove the line

    "ugly cravings of hungry ego" from the 4th line of the 2nd stanza. It's an excellent line but I feel its over kill for the point being made.
    As for the name I agree with whoever said you shouldnt call it "To touch a rose" especially seeing how thats the first line. LEts think about whats being said in the piece. Ok one idea that came to mind was "Surrealistic Lust for a Modern Day Angel" or " Of Sex and Philosophy"
    maybe even "Peace in A Moment Long since Passed" These to me seem fitting...however I may be way off from what your thinking. I can offer no other ideas or comments save I think this piece is brilliant!-John
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      "I will rest at ease
    to replay favored scenes and fastforward
    to dreams of this angel you."

    That was an excellent end to this piece. It could serve as a beginning too. You could then led into those memories of the woman your character is talking about. That's the feel I got from it. Your meaning came off good. The character shutting off everything to be with her - the woman of his affection. I think the third and fourth stanzas really brings that theme out. I really like the title as is but if you change it I don't think it would affect the value and meaning behind this. It's very good. And we often shut out the world for someone we love. Even if we don't realize it. Great job.

    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem is very good and I do like this slight "shift" you've taken with this one. It reminds me a bit of my Christmas dinner this year. Just full and rich.

    The structure is very good and there is a stirring of different images and ideas. This isn't a first or even second time read poem, but is a smooth and powerful read.
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by Sanny | [ Reply to This ]
      David, this poem was a smooth seamed easy read, but it had a verbal flavour which did not appeal to me particularly. Take some of your words out of context in your poem and we have:
    texture incapable translation inaccessible detached reality superficial luxuries substance interfering necessities reduced contact consequence inconsequentially physical sensation experience corporeal impression
    exchanged. So what do all these words have in common? They are polysyllabled latinate words, the words of educated English. Individually they would have no affect on the verbal flavour of your poem, but the sum of all their bits is that such language lacks an immediacy of feeling when short gutsy Anglo-Saxon words are much better at expressing powerful emotion. The flavour you have produced is of emotion that has been intellectualised. If this was your intention, then obviously well and good, but it wasn't my taste of the day. The flavour of your Poet's Gallows was by contrast one that tickled my particular tastebuds.
    Arthur
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, so im back to look at your revisions.
    on initial reading i definitely think you have tightened up your piece with the use of punctuation, with your capitalisation, especially more effective in your first line, which makes it read like
    'now, sit down and give me your full attention,' and a contrast to smaller case.
    i tend to disagree with hanuman [which is good i think because you get a contrast of opinion] in that i do not think your vocabulary is particluarly over elaborate. i see the point about smaller more emotive and less dressed up words, but i think you have give a good range of this,
    for example the following stanza:
    'In here, your grace saves me
    from superficial desires.
    Wanton luxuries void of substance,
    ugly cravings of hungry ego
    interfering with Truth;
    necessities of the soul
    boiled down and reduced to you.'
    you have small words such as ugly and ego and thruth and soul which are very abrupt and to the point, and words that are direct. they give an illusion of onomatopoeia here even though they are not strictly by definition, and i think this is to the credit of what you have written.
    i would however re arrange the last lines to the following:
    'In here, your grace saves me
    from superficial desires.
    Wanton luxuries void of substance,
    ugly cravings of hungry ego
    interfering with Truth;
    necessities of the soul
    boiled down and reduced
    to you.'
    i think that hte double space looks slightly awkward and i think you are trying to hover us over the line and give 'to you,' more power, and i feel this is achieved by making htis change.
    one more point i would make is that you do not necessarily have to capitalise every word after a full stop. your piece is definitley tighter, but perhaps some lines are exaggerated when they shopuld not be?
    i will give an example:
    'Thus I will embody all of you'
    and
    'Rejecting any contact of consequence,'
    these are the only two lines in your edit that i would de-capitalise [if such a word exists] because they seem to dominate a little too much in your piece.
    again, on the last line i would re arrange the stanza to the following;
    'If I never again feel
    the physical sensation of lust fulfilled
    or experience the corporeal impression
    of love exchanged,
    I will rest at ease
    to replay favored scenes and fastforward
    to dreams of this angel
    you.'
    for the same reason as before. i think also that you have used this double spacing technique quite a lot in this piece, especially in the middle, and for it to be effective you may wish to not over use it too much.

    nice.
    i think you have certainly moved forward with this piece, i hope this helps and answers your inquisitions,
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful and ambitious. I agree touching roses and smelling sunsets are futile. I like how you say you'll embody all of her. I loved lines like "this life of length and longing,/leaving me in a pattern of stillness."
    I'll have to let this sink in for awhile, but I like it now. The title is good too. I look forward to seeing something of yours on screen one day.
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Ohhh,
    *sighs*
    *swoons*

    I think this is lovely. It's... in a way quaint, sounding romantic and traditional.
    But I like the freeverse and the slight touches that urge me on.
    double spacing plod
    helps make gaps and it pours out like a soliloquy. Like it would flow from a pen as our poet sat at a desk watching her sleep on their last morning/first night together.
    I honestly couldn't read anything that wanted changing or felt incongrous or jarring.

    I think the beginning is beautiful, melodramatic and flourishing, wooing. There's texture and taste as you compare senses impossibly, and it makes my introduction a delightful one, very vibrant and colourful.


    I like the way the second stanza almost has his laid bare as he peels away all the vices we adopt in place of a lover. We don't need them when we have our One. I like that deeper commitment in this, it makes me feel that it's not just a petition to get into her knickers.
    It's real and very lovely.

    The third brings me to a grey, cold life. Like offices, stale coffee and rush-hour commuters do. There's the same void spiritually between a drone worker and seperated soulmates. I think that comes across so well. I mentioned the subtle format to create emphasis... that works really well.
    I can't even begin with a view to S4. It's perfect.

    I know someone who fits the bill of this writer very well and I think he would be appreciative of this too... I mention this only because he writes of angels as well as you do.
    Lovely work, really.
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, this one is definitely gooned on love, and stuck as
    you planned to write your character. You've painted well the idea that this love is all to the artist, the ultimate escape from the struggles of life. Even the last stanza, tells us that if this love ended the course of life would be spent dangling in memories of the beloved. I think the title is good too, since you open with the rose as an image and develop from there.
    Thanks for sharing, Dave,very well done.
    much love,
    Nan
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      To touch a rose originally reminded me of seal's song from the batman sound track: kiss from a rose" This is sweat; very theatrical, and well done. I hints of shakespeare's sonnets yet i actually think it's tolerable to read, It'd be better heard. I don't like the style, but my personal preference has no place in this comment so alas. I say this is wonderful. If you wish to satisfy Aljo who said the last line doesn't make sense add a ; and you have it. I admire anyone who takes the time to write a screen play; although I haven't seen the rest of this I think by viewing this alone the preview speak wonders of the work. My friends would love this piece I'm adding it to my favorites to show them. peace
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that to develop your point right out of the box, you need to write something along the lines of "A blind man may only experience a rose from the scent, and perhaps the thorns, but because he has never seen the petals doesn't mean his experience of the flower is in any way diminished. We take what we can get, and I take what I can of you. To me it is complete, sufficient." Are we clicking? Am I understanding your correctly? Can you see how you could take this idea and make your piece clearer? Let me know. I can always attack from a different angle if it helps.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      the first stanza has that feel to it where the reader should take it in on a long sigh, with every regretful memory, every misunderstood chance that lost them an opportunity flooding their veins. so often do we misstep and pass by the essence of what is before us. the first two lines i like in the way they ressonate but they don't quite compliment each other, as one cannot really touch a sunset but a rose is meant to be smelled. and also, rose petals at the height of their bloomage are extremely soft so it's not entirely pointless to touch a rose. i've thought about this for many moments, however, and i cannot think of something better to recommend to you, so you might as well ignore this particular bit.

    so much ageless wisdom here, it makes me sit up and listen closely. i like that you used the word "embody", but it doesn't communicate the "shell" you wanted so i suggest perhaps instead say:

    thus i will make of you
    a well within of borrowed places
    holding your essence
    inaccessible to the detached reality outside.

    my sin with the second stanza is that i read your preface first instead of reading it blind and then drawing my conclusions and THEN reading your description. with the first line, it's aching with vulnerability in a way that the speaker is not ashamed of the truth of the words, not embarassed to be seen in need of something from someone else. i would, however, clarify the sudden inclusion of "in here" as that doesn't communicate itself quite clearly in the first stanza, but just a suggestion.

    the only thing i didn't adore about the third stanza is that last line. lord knows i'm guilty of using it, too, but i'm kicking the "two become one" habit. suggestion: try "until we belong to each other again." (or something along those lines)

    it almost goes unnoticed, the placement of "lust" before "love", that distinction of what defined the relationship more. but again, because of my aforementioned sin, it was noticed, indicating to me the dynamic of this relationship. i would also say that "you" in this instance seems like an underwhelming ending in comparison with the greatness of the words that came before. perhaps make the last line: "to dreams of an angel / the very picture of you" to not quite paint this person as an angel, because in your own words they are involved in an unhealthy affair which means she can't be perfect, but to put emphasis that whatever else, in the speaker's eyes, she is an angel.

    there were a lot more suggestions that i thought there would be, so apologies in advance; despite the evidence i really loved this piece as is. you have so much of that ... *oomph* that good writers pour out over every carefully chosen word in their work that almost hurts physically to read, so honest in the reporting/preserving of our transactions with one another. this piece was very deserving of a ribbon, congrats on it. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2005-03-07 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      hello,
    to answer your question first, i would not call the piece to touch a rose. i think that the first two lines of your piece are excellent in the context as a pair, but if you give your piece this title you undermine this by the immediate repetition, and on its own as a title it sounds a little cheesy and sickly. if you choose something else you give the first 2 lines the first step and the value of surprise, and let them work well as they do, but on their own.
    to answer another point you raise, well i think you have succeeded very well in your aims for the piece. you start just about every stanza very well and you capture the essence of what you said you were going for. your overall modd is one of slight longing and vacant sadness and, and the element of self pity sits well with an underlying delicacy.
    i think the last 3 lines are also well executed and just turn the piece slightly to the direction you strive for.
    i do think your lack of grammar in this instance falls a little short. the problem for me is that you have written the piece as if there should be punctuation, but then you have totally left it out,
    for example:
    'inaccessible to the stabbing pack
    of dream-crushing reality outside'
    because you have no punctuation these lines read with an uncomfortable gap between 'of' and 'dream-crushing.' if you use devices you can imply things in gaps, but without it you can not.
    again:
    'In here, your grace saves me
    from superficial desires
    wanton luxuries void of substance
    ugly cravings of hungry ego
    interfering with truth
    necessities of the soul
    boiled down and reduced to you'
    this second stanza reads like it should be written as follows:
    'In here, your grace saves me
    from superficial desires.
    wanton luxuries void of substance,
    ugly cravings of hungry ego
    interfering with truth. [;]
    necessities of the soul
    boiled down and reduced to you.'
    because you have not written these in you are expecting us to apply them ourselves in the way you have written it, but this, in my opinion, is not the reason to leave it out, it is an oversight. if you want to imply something banging against your head, or make a list, or make points that are one line each, then this would work. if you wrote the lines so that the stops were at the end of the lines, and you included more conjunctions to fill the gaps that were left by removing the punctuation, then this would also work. but then this is just the way i see it, and not by any means a rule.

    'All else is killing time
    this life of length and longing
    leaving me in a pattern of stillness
    rejecting any contact of consequence
    inconsequentially gliding
    from day through day
    until again our flesh entwines'
    your third stanza makes it work much better in my opinion, because one line relates to one point, and you have no implied gaps.
    anyway, i have pressure on me to go and get a take away, and i can feel that i am losing concentration here, so i will be off and hope to pop back to finish what i have to say,
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    [ i will sort the typing then too!]






    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]


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