Around me there's mist.
Within all that is unseen
The world is spinning
Along with my thoughts.
Emotions aren't physical.
I never thought so,
But my heart cries regardless.
The tears aren't existent
And cannot be simply wiped away
With tissues and kind words.
These can be in my mind though,
If they don't have to be real either,
But then I'm reminded
That I am nothing but a dreamer,
And one that is worn out
From chasing too many rainbows.
At least my dreams
Can clear my eyes of emotion
So that one day,
I might be able to see her again.
God I can't even comment on any of your poems. I just read tears and I have to say... it's awesome! really i wish i could write like that. I wanted to give a comment there but there were so many that i thought it would be useless. Well courage does have many too.
Emotions aren't physical.
I never thought so,
But my heart cries regardless.
These are the lines that touched me the most. A crying heart is very painful indeed. I know you asked for writing advice but you are so good I don't think I am qualified enough.
I will have to return to this at another opportune time - for a second assessment. The first reading gave me the impression of an almost loose and easy undulating of words and thought. Maybe a copy of the haiku this came from would aid in my study of this poem. And then I may just give you more substantial recommendations.
Ok, if you read my comments from your last poem you already know how much I respect you. Having said that, it seems awkward for me to tear your piece down, but out of respect I will do my best to throw some more ideas at you. I haven't read the other comments, so if I'm repeating things that others have already said, I apologize for the overkill.
Free verse is pretty much all I write, so for whatever it's worth I will tell you in general terms the things I do to try and make my work interesting. Where possible I will give examples in how you could work things into your poem. Before I go any farther though, I want to say that this is by no means a piece of garbage, This stands very well as is, so if anything I'm just using it to get points across.
In a rhymed piece, the rhyme is the hook. The story can be (and often is) fairly weak, so long as the rhymes are strong and there's a nice beat to it. In free verse, you don't have these luxuries so you have to be creative in other ways. The best piece of advice I ever got was early on, by Dan Shilton. He cautioned me about the use of clichés, or even borderline clichés. He said the challenge for a poet is to be quotable. Sounds simple, right? So from that point on I started to do what I call "challenge every line". That is to say that after rambling through all my thoughts and putting them down on the page, I go line by line, phrase by phrase, word by word and see if I can't think of a more creative way to say what I've already said. Eventually it got to the point where I was writing this way naturally, kinda challenging them as I went along.
For instance- chasing too many rainbows...this works well, but borders on cliché...I'm not about to suggest a line for you. These are the things that give a piece the writers own personality. But I bet if you started from that one line you could think of something more creative, and it might spawn a whole other direction for this piece.
Another thing that I do (probably to the point of overkill) is alliteration. Example - the line And cannot be simply wiped away could be everso slightly altered to And cannot be simply swiped away
Basically the same meaning, but the two similar sounds make it more interesting to read (maybe not in this case, but again, just an example)
Okay, I'm running out of time, so quickly. Other things include internal rhymes - example
The tears aren't existent And cannot be simply wiped away With tissues and kind words. could be The tears aren't existent. These issues can't be wiped away With tissues and kind words
Not the best examples, but I hope you get the point.
The last suggestion I'll make here (but hopefully I'll get around to more later if you're interested at all) is to eliminate unnecessary words, that is words in which the meaning would remain the same without, and the omitable(?lol) word has no other value, such as part of a clever word play or internal rhyme, or necessary to keep a certain beat going, etc.
The tears aren't existent. These issues can't be wiped away With tissues and kind words. You can find these in my mind, If they don't need to be real, But I'm reminded That I am but a dreamer, One that is worn out From chasing too many rainbows
K...I needed to give that more time lol Anyway, just general ideas or suggestions, not meaning to actually pertain them to this specific poem.
Hope you can find something of value in my ramblings. I'll check you out later
I think it was very well done! I liked the question, "are emotions physical?" And the way you wrote just has a nice feel to it...very meditative but with a nice flow. I can't really pinpoint any particular problems with the structure, but there were a few places where there was a hint of interruption to the flow of words..nothing too drastic. I think it was a good write! Keep it up! -SHawnothan
Well, I'm glad you decided to try free verse poetry. My only problem is that you repeated tears and dreamer/dreams. Maybe you could avoid doing it in some way. I'm not a "flow" poet, so I probably wasn't the right person to ask about that. People always say that my work lacks flow.
Like cuddledumplin I am also glad yoy tried "free verse poetry." I think it is a job well done. It was well thought out, yet it had this attractive simplicity. It was filled with emotions that lacked answers, does that make sense? Anyways, it does to me, great work. *Amanda*
"The tears aren't real And cannot be simply wiped away With tears and kind words."
I think you should change the second tears to something else. It sort of messes up the flow of it. Other than that I see nothing that you should improve or change. I really enjoyed this piece and I'm glad you've decided to think outside the box and try a freestyle piece. :) -blt
So you are stretching, trying a form that is new for you. Good. I'm not sure if you are doing this now because the forms that you are familiar with don't seem to get your point across, or if you feel this is something you should do for some other reason. Regardless, you should keep trying until you get something you are happy with. I had a poem last year called Dark Winged Angel and it is posted three different ways. The idea is the same in each, but the message is perceived as different as the style of poem changes. You might try that as well, do this as rhymed and metered as well, then try it as prose. Free Verse does have rhythm, and sometimes rhyme. Less end rhyme, more internal, more slant rhyme, (like time rhyming with wine or frost rhyming with boss.) Line breaks are important. Also the words chosen become more important when they serve as double entendres. Here are the specific things I noticed about this piece.
Around me there's mist. Within all that is unseen The world is spinning Along with my thoughts(this thought stops here) When they are the world to me.(this is dangling) Like them, Emotions aren't physical.(good statement) Are they?(do you need to ask? this can go) At least, I never thought so, But my heart cries regardless.
The tears aren't real (perhaps physical?) And cannot be simply wiped away With tears and kind words.(don't repeat tears) Maybe I can create them(them, what? words?) If they don't have to be real either, But then I'm reminded That I am nothing but a dreamer, A dreamer that is worn out(don't repeat dreamer) From chasing too many rainbows.
At least my dreams Can clear my eyes of emotion So that one day, I might be able to see her again.
Just my ideas, but take everyone's comments into consideration and use what you like, if anything, and pitch the rest. Good luck, hope this is helpful, Dave
Hrm, intersting change, although I felt it kept very much the haiku taste about it. Your lines seem short and choppy, much like a haiku, as if you put another limit on this piece.
"Around me there's mist. (Ill be honest on a first read that line, how short and straight to the point it was pushed me completely off-course in reading thing)
"Around me there's mist, Within all that is unseen. (Gives a bigger thought?) The world is spinning Along with my thoughts. [Like them, Emotions aren't physical. At least, I never thought so,] But my heart cries regardless. (Excellent ending line)
(For the lines in the brackets I had a hard time picking up a flow to read to and had to constantly re-read to keep a steady beat, but perhaps thats just me:O/ Maybe it was just your transaction of comapring thoughts to emotions, the "like them" line threw me off the most.)
The tears aren't existent And cannot be simply wiped away With tissues and kind words. These can be in my mind though, They don't have to be real either, (If needed?) And then I'm reminded (But needed?) That I am nothing but a dreamer, And one that is worn out From chasing too many rainbows.
(excellent excellent ending. I would like to steal those three lines again for an away message if you would not mind)
But, at least my dreams (Gives a better transaction) Can clear my eyes of emotion So that one day, I might be able to see her again."
Beautiful piece here James. I've read it several times over and gradually I've been able to pick up the flow more and more. Maybe ^ is just my insomniac mind working;O)
I'm not really sure how i can help... or give advise... since i look up to you as a fellow poet...The first two lines "Around me there's mist.Within all that is unseen" Thats a very good start to absorbeing the readers interest, it sorta gives them an imagination.And it's what i do when i write poems or read them i put myself in the imagination of the words, in that same scenerio.It helps me to understand and follow the message of the poem.Sometimes i get lost in poems,like they get a good start but kinda losses me in the middle with all the complication they put into to make it strong.My motto is things doesn't have to be strong and powerful all the time,but simple and clean can be good aswell. As far as the advice go with rhyming,i still can't help you with since i'm not much of a rhymer myself.I just write as if i'm talking to the reader in person,as how i would talk to him/her in person. It sorta gives them a clue as how your personality is and what kind of person to you. All i can give is what i do,the best advice is the advice from yourself,people can give you pointers and some heads up in things,but you should only use them to come to your conclusion.Because rather it works out good or bad only you learn from the exprience. Once again this poem is very good, how you explain that tears cannot be simply whiped away,and how emotions arn't physical or even how dreams can sometimes comfort your emotions.I'm not too great of a poet and i can't help you with all the technical stuff but since were both friends,all i can give you is my support and a few pointers.Talk to you soon.. -Ember