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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: morning of calm abidingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Josh
    ASL Info:    17/nh
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 276/226/30
    Words: 201
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 286
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1271



    Description:
       I suppose now would be a good time to clear some things up. This was written to bongos, a sort of beat poetry. Second, it was intended to give fleeting thoughts about waking up and being with someone you love... although it had nothing to with a relationship im in, or waking up next to your lover in the morning. Pure style and nothing else. My poetry is eclectic, and is meant to set a mood, and im not always shooting for a life changing poem or writing. this one hit the spot i intended, a temporary high, and to set a mood about waking the morning. Much thanks for those who commented so far..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmorning of calm abidingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A soft hand touches my sleeping face.
    At first i dont wake, dreaming of things lost
    and long days past.
    She gently lingers over my face,
    and i awake to good company.
    My sheet feel like velvet against my warm body.
    Dizzy and incoherent, i reach and hold her hand.
    All to human i realize, im thrown back to earth from my dreamy conciousness.
    The power of ones intentions
    and the wondrous power of every second
    Take me to the state of blessedness
    of today and every other.
    I will make something of nothing
    and baby there's no need to fight.
    Prconcieved notions keep me glued to my pillow,
    deep under my covers, warm and safe.
    The rise and decline of intire empires
    stands on the tip of her lips.
    My mood changes suddenly, and everything becomes brilliant and purposeful, just from her embrace.
    New morn, and new embrace of heartfelt wishing.
    But how it can dissappear so quickly,
    like words written in water with a stick.
    Oh, how i will miss this thing
    When it packs up and leaves my mind, for good.
    But for now i have you i suppose
    Warm sheets,
    your beatiful face,
    and a new day.




    Submitted on 2005-01-03 19:44:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hehe, bongos. I like it, the beat aspect is very original, very song-like. I quite like the way you switch suddenly from elevated language to the colloquial 'baby', which makes it all a little less serious. Words written in water with a stick is a great simile. My only niggle would be to present the poem slightly better (am a spelling/capitals pedant).

    Xaphy
    | Posted on 2005-01-19 00:00:00 | by Xaphy | [ Reply to This ]
      I myslef really liked it no matter what. I love that feeling of being able to just lay there and not have to get up and your awake yet not all there enough to open your eyes, and your warm and happy and nothing cold make it better. You really captured it. Well as for the bongos I'd have to hear it to understand I just dont see it. Oh well. Loved it.
    Kacey
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by Lachesis | [ Reply to This ]
      You want my thoughts only? Alright. It seemed sort of crappy in the way that the writing was good but what meaning you put behind it made it just like every other poem, it was about a girl, and it had no other meaning. You can write well but I found that after reading this it had moved me very little.
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      "But how it can dissappear so quickly,
    like words written in water with a stick."
    sheer brilliance.
    again, you do write well, as wordslinger says, but unlike him it did move me some. the ending was a little bit confusing, for a while there it kind of felt like you knew that your love wouldn't last, maybe it still doesn't last, but the end gave a more hopeful note. whatevs.
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by osweetrepose | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm... i dont like how you used 'face' twice near the beginning.. that's jsut personal preference for me though... in the sixth line you need to pluralize either sheets or feels.. probably sheets... line eight you need another 'o' in 'too'... alright.. that's it for the technicalities...

    as for my thoughts... well, waking up near your lover is always a topic that i like... brings me into some fond memories and i like to see how others capture this in words...

    the line:
    'and baby, there's no need to fight'
    caught my attention... it seems to throw in a more personal aspect...

    i do think that there could be a bit more emotion in this piece... when i read a poem i like to feel what's going on... the only part that really gave me that 'i'm there' feeling was the line i mentioned in my previous paragraph (...'no need to fight')

    i do like this... could use a little revising though... and it fits the title well...
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by besodemuerte | [ Reply to This ]
      this has a ummm... temporary feel to it. like you are in a convenient relationship that you know has to end and will do so some day soon but for now you are content to keep things the way they are... i dunno... thats just the feel that i got.
    i LOVE your image of words written in water with a stick... that is the most awesome image i have found all day and the utter hopelessness of anyone being able to know what you have written in the water kinda adds to the temporary feel of the poem i guess.
    the start didnt feel as coherrent as it could though... i felt like it took a few lines to find where it was going... to get its groove though i am unsure if thats just me or what...
    all up it is a good write though!
    | Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      it made me want a girl like that. I got lost in the fantasy I guess. I do think you should run this through a spell check though. words mispelled like "intire/entire" and "sheet/sheets"
    kind of yanked me out of the cloud of perfect wake up in the morning girl.


    Still yet thoug I can still picture her in my mind.
    heh heh


    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      something seems too nonchalant about the mood... I don't feel the emotions of this moment that you are trying to convey... so I don't know... it's not bad but it's missing something I can't put my finger on.. I guess it feels too random...

    I'll admit that when a text has spelling and grammatical errors throughout it kills the charm and credibility for me... it distracts and boggles my mind a bit especially when I stop to consider English is the writer's first language... but that's just my personal view...

    I'll agree that "words written on water with a stick" is a very nice and effective image... it does send me off into thoughts... and that's something I appreciate a lot :)

    anyway, those are my thoughts... not bad as I've mentionned but a revision would probably set this je-ne-sais-quoi about your poem...

    take care *hug* xx

    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by Fiine Moods | [ Reply to This ]
      Bongos. I'd love to hear it set to that. Seriously. I agree, this piece for me just kinda cause a slight smile to sweep across my face (that hasn't happened in a while) and just made me...cozy for a few moments. Maybe you weren't aiming for something life-altering, but I bet someone gets something life-altering outa it. When you write you create emotion and you change someones life, whether you mean to or not. (A friend once said that to me about my poems.)
    ~BCute (Diana)
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]



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