Love Suffers Long by Memphis

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Submission Name: Love Suffers Long dots

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Author:	Memphis
ASL Info:	21/f/Right Here
Elite Ratio:	5.13 - 130/158/31
Words:	152

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	355
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1008

Description:
Disclaimer: The lines in quotes are not my property. They are excerpts from the song "Sober" which is property of the band Tool.

I wrote this based on an exercise one of my English teachers used to do with us. You use an inspiration piece to jumpstart your own poem by borrowing some lines and integrating them into your own work.

This weekend compelled me to take my first official attempt at a love poem. I found myself reading this in ten different ways. Let me know what you think. I welcome any and all suggestions for improving this.

Love Suffers Long dots

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"I will work to elevate you"
Your haunting name spells perfection.
You move like an ocean's breeze.

"Just enough to bring you down"
I have sunk to the depths of your ocean.
The pull of the tide was too strong for me.

"I will only complicate you"
The wonders that lay within overtook my feeble mind.
Ten thousand lifetimes would not be enough of your enigma.

"Trust in me and fall as well"
The surface calls my name, begging for my return.
But I will stay here, there is safety and warmth in your dark crevices.

"I will find the center in you"
Your secrets will be uncovered.
No stone will be left unturned.

"I will chew it up and leave"
And when I find you,
My arms will wrap you in love until my ten thousand lifetimes are up.

"Trust me. Trust me. Trust me."

Submitted on 2005-01-03 22:22:16 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  "I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down" I love tool. Anyway, you did good with this inspiration, I have been using a system similar to this for years. Sometimes I need it sometimes not. It works, it works for you too I see.

It just so happens I have the lyrics from what is supposed to be an official site. These are said to be directly from Maynards hand. So here you go. Enjoy good friend.

03
Sober
There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every breath I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't you [censored] whistle
something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Trust me.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but what's past and done.
Trust me.
I want what I want.

Thank you, sincerely, -sinmore
| Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
  ive not listened to Tool in the longest time...
anyways... i like the way you have done this... it can be very hard to take inspiration from anothers work without totally echoing their sentiments so you have done well.

its quite interesting though... as i read this and i read the lyrics you had taken as your inspiration i was thinking how very differently i would have used them... i love that about poetry... the way 4 ppl could be given the exact same words and all say something completely different.

do you know what i think...? i think you could take away the Tool lyrics and have a very sound and very awesome poem without the lyrics. dont get me wrong the lyrics are awesome but i just read through it without the lyrics and it still made HEAPS of sense so yeah... theres a thought for you.

as for the love aspect of it... i like the way you speak of the ocean... the ocean contains many secrets and so does love.
very good write!
| Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  very good. i have always been a big fan of Tool and this little piece seems to elaborate on the meaning of that song.. or does that song elaborate on the meaning of your poem...... well either way they compliment each other rather nicely...... good write and i love the idea.... like a virtual muse of sorts.
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
  Well first off I must say thats an awesome excercise! I loved the lines you choose and how you then followed them with your own words. It is a wonderful thing the mystery of a would be lover, how we long to discover what lays behind the smile of the one whos ccaught our attention. And if your lucky if you ask me you wont have enough time to learn all the secrets, the mystery is a big thing for me! I really enjoyed this piece, you did a good job writing a love piece and I gotta say to me it was rather unique!-John
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
  Pretty interesting, haunting. I know I've heard the song. The lyrics sound familiar.
I would avoid the repetition of the word ocean so close together. I think the latter occasion could be replaced with sea. That will cause an end rhyme as the next line is written, but you could avoid that by changing the syntax of the proceeding line slightly to,
For me, the pull of the tide was too strong.
Or you could leave it alone and let it rhyme, but I think either way sounds better than "an ocean...your ocean..."
Of course I might be all wet.
Only other constructive advice would be to really think about ten thousand lifetimes, I think there is an amnesty period before the cliché' police can prosecute you for that.
| Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh awesome, I really enjoyed this. I take a poetry class, and we do some exercises that have inspired some decent poetry for me, but we haven't done anything like that, and it's really not a bad idea. I guess I'm also a little biased because I love Tool and the song Sober. But I like how you took the words they wrote and gave them your own meaning and did it relatively smoothly, nice job there. I think the only thing is that the feeling here seems to change throughout the piece, and it's a little bit complicating. Like at first you warn about complicating someone's life and are afraid to plunge into love, but near the end you embrace it. I suppose that make's sense as that's how love is in a way, so I don't know, I guess it's fine. One thing I really liked here is how you compared what you were feeling to an ocean's depth. I'd say that's very fitting, and I liked how you sort of remained consistant with that theme throughout. Overall, I really don't have much suggestion. Nice job taking an awesome song and putting your own uniqueness with it.
-Vanessa
| Posted on 2005-01-03 00:00:00 | by srcastic1 | [ Reply to This ]

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