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(please help me with the title


Author: AmandaLyn
ASL Info:    18/F/ Centralia
Elite Ratio:    3.59 - 292 /292 /42
Words: 68
Class/Type: Misc /Depressed
Total Views: 1200
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Bytes: 405



Description:


I need to add more to this, but I got stuck... maybe I'll just leave it like this. I need help with a title though.... any ideas? thanks!


(please help me with the title



I can see the chains
trying to cover the scars.

In your eyes I see the pain
of emotion kept behind bars.

Your heart has been broken
your spirit is crushed.

The joy you had is stolen,
your song is hushed.

I know your desire
to end it al now.

I feel the fire
to make it go a away somehow.




Submitted on 2005-01-04 00:26:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  "Chained Spirit" from the chains and crushed spirtit you speak of or "Silenced Song" from the song hushed thing you had going? Just some thoughts. You were asking for opinions.

Now, on the poem itself I liked it and I can relate to it. The lines:
Your heart has been broken
your spirit is crushed.
Felt as if you were speaking right to me. Events happened the other night and I think this poem is just what I needed. Thanks for posting it.
~BCute
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this but i think perhaps you could go on to say why you understand and or why the person should go on..if you were to lengthen it that is...i like the suggestions from bcute for the title :) but then if you add to it another title may stand out to you then...let me know if you do..
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
  this did well regardless of the typos... i really don't feel that comfortable giving a title for something i didn't make... but if i were to give it a title i'd call it... Taints of Captivity coz people slowly lose themselves within these personal incarcerations... which i find ironic by the way.

anyway, this is a good piece.
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  This was nice. Very deep and with a strong sense of determination and hope. I would suggest the title be something along the lines of "Never Believe for Less" or "Make No Room for Frailty."
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ]
  The title I would suggest is "Empathy" That is what you seem to have for the person in your poem. I would also add something that states that one day the chains will be broken and the songs free again. Of course, I am an optimist.
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a very heartfelt piece and I thought it was well written. Your feelings came through beautifully and I enjoyed the read. As with a lot of us I think you could have reduced the wordage without hurting the piece but I am not suggesting you change anything. As for a title, perhaps 'I Feel The Fire'. dmm
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]
  well i think this poem is very stong in the emotions for this person. you expressed very well these things we see within others. i love how you talk of the chains and bars keeping this person held down-so to speak. i am not sure on a tittle, but i like the one suggested by BCute. it fits well. More so "chained spirits" than the other one though.**
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
  The first thought for your title was this: Chain together with love.

I could feel your deep compassionate heart wanting to save him with your love,but in reality only his love for himself or God help will save him. So sad but true.

You have a powerful poem here with such few words,bravo
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  well... to tell the truth, I think you are right... you need to finish this poem! :) For some reason, it seems to end abruptly,almost like someone took an eraser and smudged out the final words. You expressed things well though. I just know that you can come up with more...don't ya know!...hee hee...and um...I will probably remind you of yourself when I point out that the word all has two "l's" ;)
no really, this was well written. If I were to choose a name for it, it would probably be
...man! I don't know! :) I don't think chained spirit is good cuz the title always adds meaning to the poem, and that one makes it totally hopeless! I think you should title it in a way that adds more meaning to it...maybe try to add a little more hope, cuz with Jesus there is always a future! I dunno. Maybe its fine the way it is. As usual, you have done an incredible job of expressing things in poetry! Well, I think I had better close this comment for now! hehe.. went on a little long, didn't it? :) Hope you have a great day, mandalyn! I'll ttul
-Shawnothan
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Shawnothan | [ Reply to This ]
  how about just 'ending'?

anyway, a good effort, though you need to edit it (last line). another suggestion would be to eliminate some of the "is"s:

"The joy you had is stolen,
your song is hushed.'

to:

"The joy you had stolen,
your song hushed."
| Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]


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