Description: thought i'd give slighty-internal-rhyme a shot... i feel like i need some major rescuing.... {NOT suicidal, so all you Dont-Kill-Yourself-ers, i don't wanna hear it!} 'Rescuing' in a whole lot of the mental sense. ...feeling rather downtrodden and i'd like to get my bearings again....
hm...well, it does rhymes - so, good job there! I see kinda the train of thought, but then i loose it complitly and pick it up again - so, to make it short i'm kinda lost here. Sorry, I could be just dumb, cause i don't really get it. I read this poem like 10 times, and i think i'm less confused than i was the first time i read it. Your poem kind of reminds me of a riddle, where there is no answer, just the magic of words, that should make sense. Maybe make some stuff more clearer, but then you might loose the rhyme - oh, and it rhymes so well! To tell you the truth, i don't know what you should change. Sorry, i'm of no help! Keep up the good writting, and I hope to see some more of your stuff! Olianna
Sounds like love is dying. Someone is talking "dire" talk. The other has tried to explain their past. It's a plea by one to end the talk of (what?) separation, maybe or an end of the affair. She would gladly go back into the woodwork, unnoticed, rather than lose him because of her past. She hates being the focus of attention, having to explain something from before they met.
Good job on the rhyme! I think you can use this technique, you seem to have a knack for it. I know this was meant as a sort of trial run for your rhyming, but it is still a lovely poem. I enjoyed reading it . Thanks for sharing.
think the situation surrounding this poem is best left obscure.but you bring across the feeling so aptly and there lies the real beauty of the poem. it's an appeal, laced with desperacy. some of your language choice is effective, particularly 'a soft languid breath,' it established a craving for delicacy. there seems to be a conflict of physical imagery in the narrator's mind, i don't know if that's intentional but it's the impression i get when comparing 'force me blend' with 'please do tend,' and 'ragged doll.' as far as rhyming goes, it's a promising attempt, it's an attractive rhyme scheme and you put it to good use with a good sense of rhythm. only bit that makes me stumble is 'force me blend.' i think 'to' is neccesary after 'me.'
my ego has been battered, im not sure though if its not just all my own doing...you have a great wee poem there which to me flows nciely from one line to the next, its simple but not too simple a structure, you keep everything very specific even if the concept is obscure...ahh i guess thats slightly pardoxical, its specifically obscure ahh im not sure how otherwise to say it, i hope you get what i mean, but its great.
This is concise and revealing, written from feelings it seems a rational request for help. The only think that I can see is this
and don't defend this ragged doll whose past I've tried so hard to explain.
Using "whose" cleans up the flow I think. The rhyme and flow work well otherwise. Can I throw you a lifeline?? Well done, I'm glad you're back where the oceans of inspiration flow freely. Nan
Submission Name: ~candidMortality~
ahh im not sure how otherwise to say it, i hope you get what i mean, but its great.