The Mute Beauty of Souls -------------------------------------------
She'd spent years split into spirit and body
looking at herself painfully self-aware.
The physical would face her spirit
at the dining table;
she'd float above herself sleeping
watching her body and her dreams
like one watches a surveillance camera
relishing the irony
that she was only united during orgasm,
at that brief pause of her heart.
She pitied the unified people
who'd only get to see
the mute beauty of souls
when death untethered their two elements
I have come to back to this several times since you posted it, seeing how you may have changed it, and if you have it isn't apparent to me .I liked the theme, and the surreal quality it evokes,it seems a blend of quantum theory, metaphysics and religion- though I do feel that your ideas could be more pronounced.
Perhaps there are too many pronouns (8 hers and 4 she's)? So many ideas end to end like a train, tends to be too narrative; you want more descriptives, or less interference between the images so that they aren't so disjointed, and flow more easily like a dream sequence.
In places I felt that the words chosen could have been part of the problem, -you need to make a certain distinction between the words used to describe the physical being and the spirit within that body.For instance , I really liked the image of her spirit and body facing one another at the dining table; but you speak of her "being" facing her "spirit". Perhaps use a more corporeal word than "being", as the anthithesis of the spirit. While "being" can connote physical qualities, I think of it as more synonymous with the intangible-spirit, nature, soul things.
In the next three lines you use both "watching' and "watches" in adjoining lines,-again I have to stress that each word used should color your thoughts deeper , to extend and enhance the meaning.
"She'd float above herself sleeping Watching her body and her dreams Like one watches a surveillance camera"
This is also one of those areas that contains a lot of those pronouns. Can you think of a way to express the same thought, perhaps even better, with less of those colorless little words?
'Floating above her own sleeping form, both her inert body and motile cascading dreams observed like scenes on a surveillance camera.'
You describe her feeling that only at the "apex of orgasm" was she truly "united". and lose me a little here. I didn't like the word apex there, maybe that's why I sense a halt in the flow of the idea here, somehow it sounds technical and emotionless, unlike the dreamy surreal thoughts that preceded this.
I think you are describing that "During that brief pause of her heart" (beautiful btw) there is the realization that the spiritual and the physical are not two aspects of ourselves but really just ONE. While most people see themselves as a cohesive bundle of physical attributes ruled by a spiritual presence that resides both inside and outside of our bodies, this woman sees her every move "from both sides" and when the others that she "pities" transcend that physical plane, in orgasm or death and "connect" with that One consciousness, those are the only times they "see" what she does everyday.
But if that were so, that she feels this integration ONLY during orgasm. how is she then different from those "unified people" she pities? The connection is just a little muddled to me, either that or I am off on a Silver-tangent again.She seems to be very perceptive, and "painfully" aware of her own true nature, transcending the immediate physical plane frequently and in doing so learns even more about the nature of consciousness.She sees (senses) "the mute beauty of souls" that most experience only when the heart stops, momentarily or completely.Is it that you mean her awareness is so finely tuned that she "sees" this beauty in everything, everyday and therefore for her, orgasm is ever so more intensely experienced (like all things in her life).
I like these kind of thoughts, and think you are really onto a great idea here. I know this crit is getting muddled so I will close, but I sure would like you to edit this , beefing up the descriptive and evocative, and trimming some of the numerous redundant and unproductive words.
Out of body experience. That's pretty cool. I love the beginning and how you related it to a surveillance camera. Have you ever heard about people that can, they claim, have out of body experiences? I seen a show on it. It was interesting to say the least. That's what this reminded me of. Correct me if I'm wrong but is the ending her out of body soul seeing how united everyone else is? "She pitied the unified people Who'd only get to see The mute beauty of souls When death untethered their two elements" That's what I got anyway. So is she dead in reality? Maybe going over her life and what she did and didn't do. Then she finds out that all the souls still living are just mute to the beauty of souls? I really tried anaylze this didn't I!? LOL I really liked it none-the-less. Tell me how I did on my interpertation please. Great job. -blt
wow... i love the title! this is very interesting indeed. i could relate to the being outside of one's body because i used to do that sometimes when performing... strange thing to try to explain to someone! this made me think of when i have astral-traveled in the past. i love the line about facing herself at the dinner table! some people only live on this plane. i think we know there are more ...
I think this is a trait writers have. How else could we tell a story in a subjective manner unless we were on the outside looking in? Certainly the senstivity we own places us at risk to have an out of body experience, as we escape the veritable conflict. Another write that provokes thought and inspires. I'm not sure what you could do differently either as it seems to convey what you intended. Great write, thanks sweetness. Nan
i read the poem before reading the description and at first i thought.. hmm.. not really what i'd expect from you but i can see that you plan on working on it.. so yeah... as a first draft this makes sense.
there's something that bothers me here .. something's missing.. but i can't put my finger on what it is.. it could be the very matter of fact tone that you seem to be using here. i feel it doesn't aid your subect matter the way it did in your prose poem... here to be honest..it is simply as though you are bored with what you are telling us.
How very bizarre. A person with a soul that abandons it's body and watches it muddle through the mundane. Your imagination is almost scary.
I trip a little bit on "That she was only one in orgasm"...Is this to say that she is the only one experiencing orgasm or that the only time she was one with her body was in orgasm...?
I always try not to read the other comments before I give my piece, but I did see girlinthephoto's and agree that this is matter of fact like. I'm not sure that this is not what you were trying to do. The soul matter of factly (almost tongue in cheek-ly) saying "na na na boo boo, I get to watch while I"m still alive and you have to wait til you're dead."
This is a bit different, even for you, and I always think diversity is always a good thing. Otherwise, there's no growth.
let me know when you're done with this one. I like it already. I'm enticed to see the final product. The orgasm line was a shocker, and I don't fully get it right off, but I like it anyway! Very surreal work.
I saw your comments to a comment and came to check this out. The line you were going back and forth on was "at the apex of orgasm." Might I toss out "in the throes of small death"? Which jibes with death in your last line. Maybe not. Struck me, wanted to share it. Dave
great title. really interesting. I've read Dave's suggestion and I have to say leave it as it is. why always be indirect, I like the direct expressions. fits very well. I really like the scene you describe at the dinning table. surreal but very vivid. great poem. very well done Amy.
Hello Amy! Haven't seen any of your submissions lately so I decided to drop in. This is a very insightful piece. As one who's practiced transcendental meditation this work is a very interesting one. Detaching ones 'self' from their earthly body is the goal of that practice, thus one experiences death. I think I would like very much to see any more of this piece that you submit. Thanks for the read! dmm