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    dots Submission Name: Sofltey Singing Off Keydots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 616

       This I wrote for a friend of mine who needed and I think deserves to smile! I only hope she can find happiness!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSofltey Singing Off Keydots

    When the sun falls down
    behind those weathered eyes
    Iíll sing you something soft
    Something to ease your thoughts

    Maybe youíll even laugh
    When I mess up
    lines I didnít write

    So letís dry those tears
    And Iíll tuck you in
    Just close your eyes
    As I sing

    And if I sing off key
    Maybe youíll smile
    As you drift off

    Goodnight dear
    Iíll stay till youíre asleep
    Always right here
    Singing softly

    Submitted on 2005-01-04 17:21:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      whenever i'm sad or depressed i read this and it makes me feel a little better...but it also makes me miss you like crazy...it makes me miss our morning conversations...sigh...i miss you...but i guess i'll just have to live...i just wish it could be diffrent between me in you but i guess life and the fact we live in diffrent states is just to much...i'm glad you wrote something recently nd i hope you keep writing...purp
    | Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought that it was good. very tender and heartwarming. it reminded me off a song by straylight run. it sounds like you are very close to this friend and care deeply for her. the tender emotion is very touching inthis piece and i thought that it was well written. i liked the structure. i thought that it was good. kind of like a lullaby. take care and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by maquiladora | [ Reply to This ]
      this is such a sweat poem. It sounds like a lullaby. It gives so much hope to the person it is being read to. I t made me feel as though it was read directly to me. I enjoy when writers do this, though not intesionaly it gives me hope in a time where I need some, so thank you.

    I have one sugestion. I feel that sing is used over and over, becomming a little repetative, try something different.

    Overall most excelent. And I hope that your friend gets to hear this, for she is so lucky to have you, one that cares so much about you, I hope you have that somebody too. Anyways great write.
    much love
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah.. although i would like to say that this poem is a bunch of emo crap i cant resist but think it is in fact rather sweet. A kind notion can go away and i hope your friend can at least take comfort in the fact that you would sing off key or not.
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by Skillessbasterd | [ Reply to This ]
      what a nice way to express your care for a friend. it is sweet you would write of doing this. don't find people like this these days. very well done**
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really really sweet
    i bet the girl was honored and got a lil warm fuzzy
    its melodic
    and i can picture you doing it
    the line about messing up the words makes it more real and less fluffy
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by scorpio sphinx | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so gorgeous...
    can you actually sing for reals?
    i am a sucker for boys who can sing (though my boy ppl who could sing have all left town gradually... gotta hate that!)
    anyways this really is a gorgeous write and your friend is very lucky to have a boy like you in her life and im sure she knows it.
    i love the offkey'ness of this... like your not promising perfection but you are promising to be there always and i think its the recognition that perfection isnt what is needed...
    a real winner write in my eyes!
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This hints at greatness, John...and it has a FEEL that makes me think you'll pen some great ones in the future....

    The weak areas were that it seemed to come across like a hallmark card at times....while you're reeling from the insult, let me explain....

    It's like the poem drifts in and out of focus...the focus being the intimacy of the moment, and the out of focus parts being the places where it's almost like you're speaking to an audience, instead of just her. When that happens it's like you're trying to win her (or us, as the audience) over with some smooth lines but they come across as being fake. Just my take on it....

    Here's what I'd try...

    When sun falls down
    behind those weathered eyes
    Iíll sing you something soft
    to ease your thoughts

    Youíll laugh at me
    When I mess up the lines
    I didnít write

    Just close your eyes
    I'll sing

    And if I sing off key
    Maybe youíll smile
    once more for me
    before you drift away

    Iíll stay till youíre asleep
    Always right here...
    and if you wake
    singing softly


    I'm not much of a freeverse guy but maybe there's some food for thought...sorry to play around with your poem.

    Beautiful peace and tenderness in this piece

    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      lol....to edit my edit of your poem...change this part to avoid over repetition of the key word "sing/singing"

    And if I sound off-key (I'm pretty sure off-key is one word and needs to be connected

    Happy writing
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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