i've got a head cold so forgive me my emotions, but this made me cry. i could do without the second to the last stanza (as i don't think you need it to tell your story), but the rest of this is gorgeous, and i wouldn't change a word of it. this reminds me of something, but i can't remember what; something poignant and heartbreakingly simple in its structure, something that you can't help but be solemn and silent about for a few moments. some things need no words, and if there were a way to say these things without them, that would truly be something. but now i'm just babbling and not offering anything constructive or helpful so i'll stop now. god, this is lovely. thanks for sharing. =]
i love the book end lines, the sweetest of it, a childlike innocence and the title is really cool. reminds of ATDI or Sparta more like. you made me smile and i'm sick and cold so that's the best compliment i can give today;)
I'm not such a big fan of this format. but that's your choice. I would leave out the first stanza completely. let the reader guess and throw him in immediately. has a greater effect in my opinion. but besides that it is a really good poem. very sensitive and loving. I guess you could say romantic. but romantic in a good way, not the greasy one Hollywood usually wants to sell us. well done.
The imagery here is sweet. Your lines come in hushed tones. The first sensation is the touch of soft skin as she takes your hand. Delicate eyes are a nice visual, I think perhaps you could add a color, delicate hazel eyes, but maybe that is overdoing. Dimming the lights, pulling close and whispering, that is where the hushed feeling really comes to the fore. The ending is a bit ambiguous. Is it really a medical emergency, or merely a matter of the mind? The open endedness lends itself to provide comfort to many different readers. The centering of each line is a nice break from the usual. All in all, a fine piece of work. Dave
"Take it for what you will," you say, but that implies either that anybody's interpretation of your poem must be correct or that you have no idea yourself of what you intend to say. I am of the firm opinion that a poem succeeds if the reader can get out of the poem what the poet put into it. If cardiac arrest means that the girl has stopped loving you and that is what the poem is about, then that is fine. In fact it then works very well because the hard hearted girl that has stopped loving comes over with a bitter sweet Mona Lisa type cryptic smile at the end and we can assume what she is thinking and feeling. So if there is a clear framework set by the poet, we are allowed to hang our own bits and pieces and see certain aspects in ways that the poet might have intended but wasn';t aware of, if you see what I mean. But there has to be the initial clear intention of the poet. I liked the simple conciseness of your poem and your avoidance of over emotive words. This is a nicely understated love poem.
i think i would interpret this one slightly differently than hanuman.. what i see is a gesture of self sacrfice here.. that sense of giving and selflessness that comes with true love. that's what i see in this poem.
i love the brevity of the stanzas.. they are like whisps or breaths.. delicate and fragile that could disappear in a moment.. and yet there is the constancy that comes of bringing the poem full circle with the last stanza echoing the first.. with the addition of the last line (which i read the first time as "i smiled.." is that something that crossed your mind or not..?)
anyway.. it's always the poems that you describe as just 'finding their way out' that tend to have the most impact on me. i really enjoyed reading this John.. it's lovely.
again, this is so sweet. the idea of wanting to take someone's pain away is so romanctic. you are writing so well these days, i love reading your work. however, please, please catch up on your comments, you are so far behind it makes me not want to comment on stuff anymore (but i will anyway cuz' i love your work) just think about it k**
so short and so very sweet. the words speak volumes. not ever one has someone in their lives that will do such great and wonderful things. to give someone your heart is so very hard to do and its a great leap of faith. so i praise you for the effort of the write. the work speaks for itself and in doing so you prove your skills as a writer. many a woman has need a man like you, a knight in shining armor. so i hope things like these and men like you will one spread like wild fire. either way the piece was loving, and dear. good job.
this piece shows a lot about who you are and i know your hoping and looking for the person to say this too this is one of the most amazingly moving things thats youve writen the title im not so sure if i like it has a good effect but isnt at all like the poem
i cannot decide what the closing smile looks like... is it one of sadness? or appreciation? of happiness to finally be leaving this world...? i wonder this because well... you were completely willing to give her yours... an act of sacrifice for the greater good of another yet it was rejected... not harshly but very simply... i need my pain. why does one need pain so much...? i know when i was very ill and in hospital i couldnt feel anything... hot, cold, pain, hunger... nothing and it was the most awful feeling ever... it really was... and i didnt really mind the hot/cold thing but not feeling pain when i knew i should... i dont know... perhaps pain is an indication we are alive...
this was in your journal a wee few days back wasnt it...? i remember loving it then when i first read it so i am very glad you posted it so i could comment on it! great job!
this is unassuming and gentle, and that is to the credit of what you have written. this said, i dont think that you have written it with total confidence in your convictions, and i think it shows. it reads little like you are slightly apprehensive and that you are testing the waters, and i believe that it is important that you convey total control over what you write. for example, the way you break up your stanzas seems a touch 'experimental,' and i would suggest the following:
'When your heart gave out, I said here take mine
With your skin so soft and those delicate eyes, You took my hand and smiled saying so innocently that you need your pain.
So I dimmed the lights, Pulled you close, Whispered into your ears: I will stay right here so you always know where to find me.
When your heart gave out I said here take mine and you just smiled.''
i think that hte break between stanza two and three was unneccesary and it split a piece that reads as on1e. your capitalisation of every line took away from the capitalisation of the subjects; that is 'You,' and 'I.' i think you needed many more stopping devices, mostly in the form of commas just to hold us at the points that you wanted to, and to give the next line a little more space.
your concept here is interesting, making an analogy between a dead heart in a literal sense and a metaphorical on1e. i do think you could have played on this concept a little more, but wthout bulking your piece up too much to lose the sensitive air that it possesses. take care on1eay.co.uk