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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Inward Spiraldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rokhal
    ASL Info:    21, f, USA NW
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 85/71/18
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1073
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 413



    Description:
       I got a comment on this before on another site that said it seemed "not finished." I don't know what the commentor was looking for, and would like suggestions.

    Also, does the title spoil the first lines?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInward Spiraldots
    -------------------------------------------


    My mind is a curled hair
    In my skin.

    My heart is an open dish of agar.

    I am an errant ice dancer,
    Twirling forever on a looped tape.

    My mind is the restless sea,
    Grinding the shores with its pacing.

    I see a finger pointing to the moon.
    Donít look at the finger!


    I need a good smack in the head.




    Submitted on 2005-01-04 22:24:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Maybe it appeared unfinished as the metaphors do not have any connections but it works for this poem because it is short and I believe, part of the effect you are trying to create. The stream of conscious round-a-bout is one I think any person who thinks in words experiences. I laughed out loud at the last line I think you have the makings of a poet as your words serve your emotions not they other way around.
    Jeannine
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by Lafferty | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminded me of the concept of "looping". It's a symptom of obssesive-compulsive disorder where the person has recurrent thoughts or is forced to repeat the same action over and over. The title is very fitting and doesn't seem to conflict with the first stanza at all.

    The hair curling in on itself seems to represent the body's tendency to retreat within it's own confines. And for things to return to where they started.

    The open agar dish is also an interesting metaphor. When an agar plate is left exposed to the air it gathers bacteria and becomes contaminated. When resealed and incubated the amount of bacterial growth is phenomenal. Perhaps the idea that your heart has been exposed to love and hurt but never allowed to grow or flourish is a statement of stagnance. Not allowing yourself to move past the same monotonous rituals of life has left you tainted and unable to prosper.

    The subsequent images of the ice dancer and the sea also seem to desribe your preoccupation with past events and your inablility to break out of the rut you've gotten yourself into.

    I must admit I don't fully understand the finger pointing at the moon reference. The only thing I can think of is that the moon epitomizes the concept of cycles. It runs the same course of waxing and waning all year long and does not seem to be discontented with it's routine. Maybe by not looking at the moon you are not allowing yourself to become like it. Not wanting yourself to become so used to the pattern you've set that it becomes commonplace and possibly even enjoyable.

    The last line is universally understood. Sometimes everybody needs a nice slap upside the head to break them out of their own thoughts.

    Great write. Hopefully my analysis wasn't too far off.

    drowning_queen
    | Posted on 2005-07-12 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
      ...or you'll miss all that heavenly glory.

    I dont know what agar is..

    Does a smack in the head do it? I'll try that..
    It doesnt seem 'not finished' to me.. It places a few thoughts in your head.. maybe a suggestion of where our thoughts can go instead of around and around and around..
    I guess what your really saying is dont jump into the future, dont dwell on the past.. live in the now.. turn your eyeballs around from looking inside and look out at the world.. (my.. how poetic)
    kinda reminded me of two songs..
    one.. david bowie - quicksand
    "Im sinking in the quicksand of my thoughts"

    two.. pearl jam - present tense
    "you can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets, or you can realize your the only one who cannot forgive yourself, makes much more sense to live in the present tense"

    this little poem had more impact on me than I thought at first.. I really like it..
    my favourite bit is the bruce lee line.. dont contentrate on the process.. but the goal..
    thanx
    shaun
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ]
      i understand how it seems "not finished." Most of the lines, though many had good images, seemed a little rough, and the ending was definitely abrupt and appeared out of place. i'm not suggesting that you overthink this, but this image to seem to be random descriptions you jotted down, without looking at the coherent whole. i didn't see that there was any problem with your title.
    | Posted on 2005-01-25 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]
      in oringinal piece and a refreshing style. I like when i read pieves like this cuz it shows me that there are some creative minds to look foward to in the upcoming generations. I liked your raw expression and the way you used it to get your points and meaning across, I enjoyed this write, and I hope to read form you soon, keep writing, and take care
    | Posted on 2005-01-04 00:00:00 | by matt73 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is kind of funny and kind of sweet, and i like the innocent feel it has about it.
    however your piece is very random and seems to lack a little direction and control.
    your analogies are interesting. some fresh, some unusual; certainly original, but they dont stand too well alone on the page. if you are going to make statements like you do in lines 1-10 then i feel you need to back them up, you need to explain a little more what you are relating to and you need to link some of the metaphors so that they have some kind of direction to build a story towards the climax that you offer, which i like as it is. you have the skeletal basis here but you need to relate more to the reader i feel, and not alienate them so much.
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]


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