Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Anguished healing

Author: Archer
ASL Info:    17/female/Oregon
Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 118 /148 /53
Words: 209
Class/Type: Poetry /The pain inside
Total Views: 1693
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 962


this poem is something that i wrote to describe the feelings inside me as best i could when i could find nothing else to say... i just well i want to know what other's think it is and what the get from the poem i want to know if i got the message across the best way possible while still speaking of the same thing....

Anguished healing

Do you really know, can you tell how much i love you? On my love this is my tourchure this is my hell. i wanted to be with you,i wanted to try. but now here i sit all i can do is cry i want this world to end i want it to stop,i want to run and run till i drop this is my pain my long awaited anguish i greet it as and old friend opening my eye's to the darkness of dispair my life as never ending as a spiral stair. i want to die simply to give up to stop fighting my body exausted of the surviving life of a true love. the hope to find truth in a darkness never ending contantly suspending it's true forem in the clear i feel the tears but they no longer burn the are as cold as my heart has become, i wanted a new life some one to keep me safe i am so numb to love, waiting for the one to bring me to life to start my heart againe a hot bodied man to warm my cold aking heart but for now this will do only because it is calling my healing to a start.

Submitted on 2005-01-05 00:23:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  You have lots of emotion here. I am not sure what it is you are looking for as to what you wish to be done with your poetry. So forgive me if I over step. I want to let you see how this writing could be a little more powerful.
1) There are a few grammer, spelling and typo mistakes. ( Hey don't feel bad, I am yet to post on that does not have one or all of these)
2) The style that you have written this in, gives it no power. I am going to rewrite it to show you a different way it could flow. I will be putting some words in ( ) to show some typos or spelling mistakes that I saw.

Do you really know
Can you tell how much
...I love you?
On my love
This is my ( torture)
This is my Hell.
( I ) wanted to be
...With you
( I ) wanted to try
But now here
( I ) sit
All I can do
Is cry.
I think you can see from here where I am going with this. Some how you have to break up this poem for it to flow better. I am not sure if this above format would be the best for it either, but it just gives you an idea to play with. You poem was wonderfully written for emotions and I would love to read it again when or if you redo it.
| Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
  a very good witten piece which reflects who you are and how you deal with your heart which is very precious to you and has the most sincere feelings for the one you love , never give that up :)
| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Tarek Refaat | [ Reply to This ]
  i can emethize simpythise exactly about what you portray this is indeed a masterpeice for the shatered hearts this is how so many feel exactly you express the pain the agony to perfection i tip my hat to you and i await the next post that is to pour from your soul
| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by runaway_poet | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?