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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Hidden Letterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PastelSky
    ASL Info:    18/F/In the clouds
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 181/223/49
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 821
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 693



    Description:
       I know the grammar was taken lightly of in this composition, but please critique and give your thoughts on what you think it means. Thanks!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Hidden Letterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    words cannot express
    all the thanks I need to give
    for all the warm summers
    bright springs
    homely winters and the
    not as lonely autumn

    to sit here with nothing
    until you greeted me at my door
    can tape seven broken shards
    and forever more

    the clothes I wear
    is because of you

    the job I have
    is because of you

    the family I raised
    is because of you

    and my happiness
    is because of you

    And so I end my letteró
    Mom.
    Dad.
    my hands withered from the cold.

    pray take care.
    I love you.




    Submitted on 2005-01-05 01:08:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hi there,
    very long time no see. i hope you are well, its good to see you back writing. i guess all of us who have been here for a while come and go, its the only way to get out of it what you want.
    i dont really have a great deal of commentary for your piece, it is very sweet, an ode as such.

    'to sit here with nothing
    until you greeted me at my door
    can tape seven broken shards
    and forever more.'
    perhaps you lose it a little at this section, maybe you need some punctuation or to re arrange the lines, i dont know, but it does not seem as coherent as the rest.
    and perhaps the floowing could be rearranged to:
    'And so I end my letter;
    Mom.
    Dad.
    my hands withered from the cold,

    pray take care,
    I love you. '
    good to see you again,
    take care
    on1eday.co.uk
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      I would love to see a little more detail to your emotion. I can almost see that you have problems with your parents but if you added thoughout your poem a hint to it and build up the ending then I believe it would be powerful. I agree with on1eday... You did a great job here and I enjoyed reading this.
    Dana
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]


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