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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: If only I were.......dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Matthew Grey
    ASL Info:    22/M/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.77 - 78/88/21
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1176
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 763



    Description:
       Ok, I know this is kind of abstract so I would really like to know what you think it is about. Also I am always open to constructive critizism, and I actually perfer it, as compaired to "I like it", or the "thats a great write". Anyway. I am really interested in seeing how you guys will interpret this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIf only I were.......dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lost in never endings
    of stories that still play
    over and over again
    in its tormented mind.

    Ghosts of its past linger
    blackening the light
    that hope once shined
    down to lead the way.

    Passed over by grace
    in the heat of battle.
    In a fight against love,
    in a war against right.

    Forgotten by virtue
    in presence of others.
    Erased from memory
    of all that it has known.

    With fragility in hand
    the only weapon here
    Finding nothing in the end
    Of what it forever searched

    Greatness is out of reach
    in light of its life’s doom
    a losing battle lost
    in war against itself.




    Submitted on 2005-01-05 03:41:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Excellent! Some may say vague, but I believe that to be your intent. So what is it about? Here are my impressions.

    A mind, ego, or conscience, maybe even a soul, that has been graceless and without virtue, in life, is now fragile, dying, and is plagued by ghosts of its past. It spent its life searching for fame and glory, but found nothing close to it. It has "lost the battle".

    There is a lot of conflict in this poem, by that I mean the use of words, like "battle", "fight", "war", "weapon", as though something is fighting the wrong fight, on a quest for something that does not exist, or is unattainable, a "losing battle lost". In the end, "its life's doom", it has come up empty-handed. Failure!
    It is now "fragile" and haunted by "Ghosts" that "linger".

    Vagueness - To be more implicit would be an entirely different kind of poem. You could go that way and re-write. If you choose to leave it as written, with the meaning sort of hidden and open to more varied interpretations, then all I could suggest for improvement would be:

    S2: change "that" to "where"

    S3: begin the line with "in a fight" (small "i" on "in")

    S4: drop the word "of" in the last line

    S5: switch phrases "In the end, finding nothing"

    That's about it. I enjoyed reading this. Read it several times, to formulate an opinion of it's meaning. Found several varying meanings with each read. I think it is suggestive of so many things, that each reader may find their own heart somewhere in it. I liked it. I enjoyed reading it! What else can I say? Thanks for posting it.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Well that was such an LCD trip I don't know what to say, other than, cool picture and uh... I don't get it, a war against itself isn't a war at all because a war against it self gobbles itself up. Yeah...it's REALLY wierd, and I don't really like it too much, but let me tell you why. In the second stanza you broke flow, and throughout the poem you would get a good rut going but then you'd say something that didn't sound right, and if you could fix that, it'd be good. Atleast it wasn't about a break up, cuz I'm tired of that [censored].
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by wordslinger | [ Reply to This ]
      First I am going to say abstract is good and I do it most of the time. Now that that is off my chest let me tell you that I will never say I enjoyed anyones poem or even an I like it...maybe an its interesting or I am starting to like it. So, be prepared...

    Greatness is out of reach
    in light of its life’s doom
    a losing battle lost
    in war against itself.

    Your poem on the whole was good and it seemed to me that you connected war to every aspect you used or almost ever aspect. And it was put to good use as imagery. That was pretty cool how you entertwined love with a battlefield. I've never heard anyone but myself say that love is a battlefield and only the fools survive. So, I would also like to say the meaning of your poem is kind of lost on me. But I think it means that if you could chose you would rather be more like the things you listed then like yourself so that you would have a journey, a path, something other then boredom...I couldbe wrong
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]
      i think in this poem i actually understand what you are talking about. and i do want to say that though i am not an expert on things such as grammer and spelling i am also not at expert and what to say so here goes.
    yes love is a battle feild and yes it is hard to understand. sometimes if you really think about it though it is never truley ujnderstood i could be wrong when i say this but in most of the comments i have just read they say that you brake flow and stuff like that but considering you are talking about war and love it fits well. you wrote a waring poem about war. war and love never just flow there are always breaking points in what is done said a felt. mostly i see that yes there is a war and yes there is love but it is not so much physical as it is spiretual ( probly did not spell that right) any how i see the pain and i also see the war. with poem's like these it is absolutly stupid to make it flow and rhyme where neither of the two are needed. you did an excelent job at putting things to gather and maybe it was not your intent on creating a poem that was in truth the exact meaning of what war a love are you did it very well.

    Archer
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by Archer | [ Reply to This ]
      Order of the day...Unbiased review?


    Well, since you want my conjecture first, I'm going to say it sounds like those relationship 'what-if's that everyone denies but no one can shake off. A...guy who always tries to be proper and show virtue around the girl he felt for, but never quite gave himself the chance. This is all personal experience's influence but vague poems have a way of connecting in ways the author never had in mind. The third stanza describes how our weakness is the only reason we fight our emotions, how rejection is so frightening we've not the will to act on our infatuation. But yeah, that's what I think it's about.


    Critically, the poem's rather too vague. There seems to be some phantom of rhythm in the lines, but it falls slightly ajar from line to line so the poem as a whole falls more quickly into the category of free verse. As free verse, it's a bit wordy. Catch phrases or outbursts of grandiloquence in the correct interjections would be more poweful than the current order and facade of organization. That said, each stanza's portrayal of its intended overall effect is significantly different enough to stand on its own, but lacks the fullness of elaboration; maybe rephrasing the lines, or including metaphors or some of those startling truths that everyone immediately understands but no one thought of might help. It reads like a rock skipping across the water, merely scraping the surface, refusing to enter, and always moving forward. In that sense, it isn't sufficiently satisfying for the depth-searching reader, and if you had that in mind, you may need to make your meanings more lucid, seeing as you've been so frugal with your words anyway, I doubt adding another stanza or more lines per stanza would really harm the poem. Just a few thoughts, anyway. Well done.
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]


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