The Making of a Wife Beater
First, I will wine and dine her
Then I fill her head with fairytale dreams
All the while, telling how gorgeous she is
Just a few more moves
and I will be all set
Now it time,
to build her confidence skyscraper high, with lies
Mmm, this is a major key;
To make them fall below their foundation
Not quite finished
How can one forget these fun tools
Get her pregnant
and make her totally reliant on my money
Wooohoo, the fun begin
First a few curse words,
kneaded with some demeaning gestures
Next tighten her wallet a little more,
then start blaming her for everything
and slow down the intimacy
She’s almost ready for her first slap
I need to yell louder
and tear apart her core viciously
Its time to push her over
She’s all primed
Smack, crackle and punch
Wow, what a cool way to start my day
Now, its time to say I am so sorry over and over and hold her tight, while I beg for forgiveness
Hey, I can’t have friends and family know
She needs to lie for me
After all, it all her fault
Once she does this, I win
Here’s my favorite part:
It’s so easy to beat on someone that loves you unconditionally
Because they have nothing left and no place to stay
And the fatherly bonus is,
my little son tommy will know how to keep his woman in place
Now you know why, I always wear a shit-eaten grin
Edward K. Deputy
| This piece made me want to KILL the character. My friend is in an abusive relationship. She got out of it, and is now back in it. I'm assuming hes not any better.|
The character KNOWS hes awful, he has no conceious, no remorse, no pity. He is fully aware of his power, and knows how to abuse it.
This piece is not only a mockery of the men who are this awful, but its also a message to women, that the men that beat them are horrible and know exactly what they are doing is wrong.
The ending was also intense. Although, working with kids, your hoping that because they've lived in a battered home, they are able to make better decisions than their father and mother did.
Unfortunately, thats not the case. Many people think this is a lower class situation, but growing up in middle upper class, I know a few people in this situation that seem to get into the wrong things, such as drugs, as an outlet for the things they've witnessed growing up in a battered home.
Bah Im babbling. This piece got me going though. It made me feel extremely spiteful, which Im assuming is the purpose.
|| Posted on 2006-04-06 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ] || this is so true the way you have put it,|
i was in an abusive relationship, when i was 17, i loved my partner and i couldnt see the warning sighns to get out even when my friends could, they never saw him hit me, just a few shove, pushes and the verbal abuse, it wasnt till the end of our relationship, that they found out, they heard me crying and me telling him to stop, it was in the college dorms so ofcourse they all heard and came running, he was beating me under the table at the time, after all i felt was embarassment and shame that i ever let it get that far, its wierd cos i still love him, he went to jail shortly after we broke up for murder and i havnt heard from him since,
anyway nice write
keep em cumin
x x x x
|| Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by secret kisses | [ Reply to This ] || Wow, this is really great, and damn are there a lot of comments, but I needed to add another. People only see what you want them to see in the begining, and you made perfect example of such. And the end? The end is brill, because how true is it that a son turns out much like his old man. I applaud your stance on this a most sensative subject, and think you conveyed said stance exceptionally well. Great, meaningful write. Peace. -rue||| Posted on 2005-12-31 00:00:00 | by Rue | [ Reply to This ] || This is to perfect to the exact of what a wife-beater does down to the last detail. Gives one a very eerie feeling..Brings bad vibes and chills to one who has been a victim of such treatment.||| Posted on 2005-10-24 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ] || YEP a stern message indeed. What worries me is how accurately you seem to know a man like this! t read really well...almost like an instruction manual. Know what would be great is to write it now from the female perspective on how to deal with men like this!|
|| Posted on 2005-09-13 00:00:00 | by elephantasia | [ Reply to This ] || wow, what a different view of the situation. usually its the womens point of view that is seen - the victim -. as a woman, i will an eye peeled for these "clues", thanks for the head's up. great piece|
|| Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by dylanpoe | [ Reply to This ] || I used to work at a battered women's shelter, I have to say you hit the nail on the head. Being the counselor and trying to help, you have no idea how many times I tried to point out exactly what you described - wish I had your poem, I think it may have helped - you touched many a heart with this...in whatever ways, but you reached people and take it from me...reaching is half the battle||| Posted on 2005-07-15 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ] || Hey there, I'm just another average teen, and I can say I've never been in this sort of relationship. But seeing the confessions on this page, at least I know it's out there. When I read books where a woman's getting beaten by her husband, the first thing I think is "Why is she such a moron? Why doesn't she call the cops?" I never thought the man might have thrown her into dependency. That's selfish, and here I thought it was pure Hollywood creativity.|
(Kimberla Lawson Roby wrote "It's a Thin Line" where a financially well-off mother chooses to stay in an abusive relationship. I guess she's the only moron now.)
Thanks for writing this. It was really enlightening for me.
|| Posted on 2005-07-06 00:00:00 | by Chihuahuii | [ Reply to This ] || I thoroughly enjoyed this poem... I am glad you mentioned it to me when commenting on my "Sober Lover, Drunken Tormentor"... The similarity in subject manner was pretty cool... I enjoy knowing that I was thinking close to where you were... It's amazing how you decribed the process and were able to sum it all up in such a tight package... There were no loose ends to tie up, nothing too long or drawn out... And there was no part of it that I would elaborate on... Excellent post||| Posted on 2005-06-30 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ] || omg, this is just how one of my exes were. he treated me like a goddess in thebeginning, then started to act like a jerk. i broke up w/ him after he slammed me against his car. reading this brought tears to my eyes, because i know how it feels to have that kind of security, then everything starts to fall apart. all i have to say is thank you for writing this, and there will be more to thank you for giving signs to get out before someone gets killed.||| Posted on 2005-06-29 00:00:00 | by bluecrane | [ Reply to This ] || Well I must say WOW! This is perfect, I wish I could show this to so many women that go through this horriable experience. I try to help the ones that ask for help but it breaks my heart when they decide to go back to the same and much worse situation then before. It is heart breaking words but it needed to be said and you did it strong and loud. Bravo for you.|
This is a incrediable peace and Thankyou for sharing. Smiles to you.
|| Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by pj5 | [ Reply to This ] || Wow, this is exellent...very moving and powerful piece...you just for got the part about the sleeveless white t-shirt (that's what always comes to mind when I think of that)...It's unfortunate how many sick people there are out there and it's equally unfortunate that there ARE women who love these guys unconditionally because they don't think anyone else will love them :(...I like the style you used for this...not a whole lot of rhyme or format, you just told it like it is...what a good poem|
Thanks for the write
|| Posted on 2005-05-11 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ] || My applause goes out to you. This is not only a touchy subject, but also one that holds much emotions for many. I love how you delivered it through the Wife-beaters eyes instead of the victim. Very creative. There are a few spots that needed pluralization, but other than that, a great piece. Well written and very clear to the reader. I look forward to reading more of your work!|
Keep up the good work! *hugs-a-plenty*
|| Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by SouthrnQT | [ Reply to This ] || First of all... I have to say that this waas my situation almost to the letter. I was in a relationship like this for two years, three actually, but the last two were when the beating was occurring. I ended up pregnant by this guy, and had a son, only for him to beat me while I was pregnant and nearly kill our child.|
Once my son was born, he denied him, and tried to kill me for going after him for child support. (He had 13 other children at the time. Three by my best friend.) Eventually I gave up and had to give my child up for adoption in order to keep him safe.
It's kind of funny now, because he is being beaten by his new girlfriend. She broke his arm recently for going to the bar before he gave her his paycheck... What comes around, goes around. Life always gets you in the end...
Anyway... Great write. I have to say that when I have more time I will be checking out more of your work.
|| Posted on 2005-05-02 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ] || wow...where to start with this? |
one, i think that it was very brave of you to post a poem on such a... for lack of better word, controversial topic. most people would never dare to speak out about spousal abuse... pretend it's not there and it will go away... not true. the problem won't go away unless someone does something about it. i've seen this happen to many females in my life... my own mother at one point, and it hurts. but, when you're in that situation, and the man is the father of your children, you feel like you have to take the pain for the sake of your children. screw your safety! make sure the kids are ok and it's all alright. *sigh* shame isn't it...
i think that with some women, the only reason they stay is because they insist that the man is going to change. NO! you cannot change a man like that, so there is no point in torturing yourself. why is it so hard for them to understand that they can't equate love with pain and abuse. i don't think in your description you had to say that you wrote it to make people hate men like that, because that kind of comes out in the poem, the way you make him sound all extra cocky. well... i guess i've beaten this old horse to death... oops... bad choice of words...
|| Posted on 2005-04-28 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ] || I tried not to read any of the above comments before posting this...The last one was harder to avoid, as there was no more scrolling down space, but here goes...|
This poem made me scared. 'Physically shivering and suddenly very uncomfortable' scared. Someone I was once with made a hole in the door less that an inch away from my face - and I was lucky enough to go with my primal instict and leave, right then...
A friend of mine was less fortunate. She lived with a man who is on this page, in your words; who took sadistic pleasure in her misery and his power...Its very hard to hear about people 'walking into doors' and 'falling down the stairs' - when both you and they know it isnt true...
"Hey, I can’t have friends and family know
She needs to lie for me
After all, it all her fault
Once she does this, I win"
I did my best to help her see - ironically, it was his last power trip that did.
By sending her to hospital.
I only wish that I had your words with me then....But I am very hopeful, for everyone else - for now, the words are here, black on white. Powerful, frightening words, that may give those who need it that little bit of strength to speak...
I think the capitalization in the title is very appropriate - it shows not only the importance of the subject, but the 'prelude' to the psychological portait you go on to present.
Maybe I am wrong, but it seemed to me that there is little poetry around with such a strong social message...And this is why, I applaud you...
|| Posted on 2005-04-21 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ] || I completely identify with this. Makes me wonder, how could i have not read this before. Sometimes, women take it for the house/children/society. Violence in any form is illogical. And specially, beating your own people, completely nonsensical. |
A meaningful write :)
|| Posted on 2005-04-20 00:00:00 | by vedanta19 | [ Reply to This ] || I don't know your background but I came from a broken and my father crushed my mother's nose on three seperate occasions and tried to kill my entire family and I. This is well written in the sense that you really capture what I THINK might go on inside of an abusive mind. The brutality of this peice makes it almost too hard to read yet forces the reader to continue just like the subject of the beatings. The only thing that bugs me though is that you seem to be suggesting that this is a stereotypical situation through the mind of an abusive man, but every person is differnet. But you do present a great idea for your subject to be based upon. I wish my mother would have read this some 15 years ago and left before she felt anymore pain. Thanks for the read that rekindled some rather harsh memories.||| Posted on 2005-04-09 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ] || Ed darling,|
I'm speechless...this is absolutely wonderful!
You are beautiful
The imagery and the weaving of your
words created such a vivid mental for me.
|| Posted on 2005-03-30 00:00:00 | by Wynne Devereaux | [ Reply to This ] || This poem pissed me off Ed! " She?s almost ready for her first slap" made me see red! The subject matter of this poem definitely will affect anyone and everyone 'wife beating' in some way. This poem is extremely effective because of that. And I am still pissed lol! Excellent provocating verse!||| Posted on 2005-03-25 00:00:00 | by ladyngold | [ Reply to This ] || This is an amazing poem very raw and touching.I really liked the discription it was great it made me really want to read the poem and I am glad I did.It was so well written and very original.I hope this poem does alot of good to the women who are affected by thisgreat read.take care,Jamie||| Posted on 2005-02-10 00:00:00 | by korn9426 | [ Reply to This ] || This is totally unique and original and powerful and all those other great adjectives that describe greatness. You are doing big things. I take it that this is a piece for women to see to show them the signs of an abusive man. Neat! You understand the literary industry and you know what is in demand. Writing like this is definitely in demand.||| Posted on 2005-02-04 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ] || this is brilliant and you have gotten a lot of feedback to back this statement up. I know exactly what this is like, however not the baby part as my faher was violent to my mother and everyone else around him...he never touched me though probably because he never got the chance as my mum took me away from him when i was two, but then i found him again. I am only 16 and i found him at the start of the summer howvere now i no longer se him but my heart is breaking literally (its worse than any pain ive ever felt before) because i want him to be there to be the daddy that he never was. thanx. its an excellent poem and its so true! ||| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by leanne | [ Reply to This ] || you know, the sad thing is that some boys would think its cool to have so much power over another person. you display nicely how easily it is for a woman to get herself in this situation. It starts with lies and then making her slowly become 100% dependant on you. Tear her down emotionally then BAM. A lot of people think that women are stupid for getting with such a guy, but HELLOOO if the guy was like that when ya met him you wouldnt be with him.|
I can definitely see why you've gotten so much feedback on this. It was very well written from a point of view that normally isnt seen. usually it's a woman talking of how she was abused mentally and physically and the outcome of it. i've never been in this situation myself, and honestly i dont even think i know anyone that has. but it doesnt take experience to understand. very well done
|| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by SilentWhisper | [ Reply to This ] || I fell in love with this poem before i even read it. You're description and explination and reason that you gave was what this world really does need... Caring. We need people to care like you do unselfishly and unconditonaly. You're a great man my friend and a damn fine poet. Take care of yourself and i hope to perhaps here from you sometime too... Adios and i'll keep an eye or two on yer work.|
|| Posted on 2005-01-24 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ] || The poem aside, I give the poet high marks for his courage. Taking risks is what this craft demands if you want to rise above the chaff. The poem itself has a raw feeling to it. There are a couple of omissions, letters on the ends of words, that I'm not sure are mistakes. They lend a sense that the speaker isn't the sharpest pencil in the box, but cunning . . . and ruthless.|
The subject matter . . . your take on it, suggests this is a plan formulated by the abuser in advance, and carried out with methodical attention to detail. I'm not so sure I agree with this assessment, however, from an outsider's point of view, it does bring to light a condition that is far too often concealed by those who are caught up in its web.
|| Posted on 2005-02-19 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ] || I liked this peice and could relate to it. I was in an abusive relationship for awhile. I never got pregnant or needed his money, but I did love him unconditionally and would always take him back after he hit me or verbally abused me. Abusive reltaionships are a sad thing because it is usually the women who say they would never tolerate that end up doing just that thing when they get in a abusive relationship. I thought I would never stay with an abusive guy, but I did. A relationship with any kind of abuse is not healthy or safe. SO for all you girls and women out there who are in one get out NOW! It will not get better it only gets worse!|
|| Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by fortressofwords | [ Reply to This ] || This is a very good poem but I hope that you haven't really done this to your wife or even your girlfriend. I don't believe in abuse either way. Whether the man does it or the woman. I know some people who has been in a relationship like that. I've never been hit but I have been just used by guys. They wanted sex from me but I wouldn't give it to them. Now I have found someone that I am more than happy to be with and we're planning to get married soon.|
|| Posted on 2005-01-20 00:00:00 | by manda_bear | [ Reply to This ] || This had a real impact on me because although my ex husband wasnt violent he was abusive in every other way and this describes just how it happened..it made my stomach turn and tighten...thx for sharing||| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ] || This is a very honest rendition of what happens before, and during a violent relationship. I have known women who have gotten stuck in such a manner, the only thing you have seemed to forget adding is that the men tend to seperate the woman from her friends and family, either by forbidding the contact "Who are you talking to? You aren't going anywhere, I won't allow you to cheat on me!", or by having her move far away. |
Anyway, this is a very truthful piece, and I am very glad to have read it. I think it is great that you wrote somethign so candid and frank. Great job.
|| Posted on 2005-01-15 00:00:00 | by ebflannery | [ Reply to This ] || Whoa, buddy! That was a very intense poem in a "Burning Bed" sort of way! It was good, too because of the simplicty of it, which it take a very simple mind to be that sort of person. Very cool... Kudos!|
|| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ] || This is nothing short of amazing. . . .especially for the makings and mockings of a man...I think I understood now why you liked Anti-feminist so much...I never understood why any women would want to keep coming back to something like this. Don't they get it...Love doesn't mean the knuckle end of a fist or the piercings of backhanded criticism. My mother is a counselor for this Violence against women group in our town and I'm so angry every time she comes home with another beaten story of a wife that just doesn't get it...I know it sounds cruel, but sometimes I think I'd like to get my hands on those women and shake the sense back into them...this was some kind of wonderful Ed...thankyou for writing it and I too hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel (like this) whenever we may need it!|
|| Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by calling eve | [ Reply to This ] || I give you points for barvery thats for sure. I don't know how many mre times I can say it, but all of your work is absolutely stunning. It speaks to us all, through everything. I just can't believe how eel you write it. Perfect each line, each word so beautifully. |
A definite praise on the subjects you. I see abusive husbands all over the place, and it scares me to think of my fufture, so I must choose wisely. Secondly, I'm glad to say that I have a father who loves my mother so much, and they love each other, even though there are fights every so often, like yesterday, he'll never lay a finger on her to hurt her, and I am happy for this.
|| Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by Chicool2 | [ Reply to This ] || When i read this it made me think of my best friend who has been in an abusive relationship for almost 2 years and just had a daughter with this man. I cant believe that she will be connected to him for the rest of her life. This was a good write and from all the comments it defenitly stuck home to alot of people including me. I really like your work, keep em' coming and I'll keep reading...||| Posted on 2005-03-01 00:00:00 | by Ann | [ Reply to This ] || Oh! It's the author's name! Sorry Ed, that was a no-brainer on my part. You're a great writer, I read Standing Naked and enjoyed it as well...||| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ] || This is rightfully brutal, very true. It puts the role of the man involved as a literal "devil" (and that's not too far-fetched.) These signs are all things that I have noticed before and are aspects that the female race really should be aware of. I was confused by the use of the man's signature at the end though (simply because I don't know who it is or if that even mattered.)||| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ] || A brutally truthful write, ed.|
Know the signs for what they are, ladies...loud and clear signals to hit the road...slinging gravel if necessary.
Best way to avoid a trap like this fella's is to get an education and rely on ~yourself~ for support and direction.
|| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ] || You go, Ed. This is exactly how it happens. I asked a woman once why she stayed (her boyfriend had been out of prison for 16 days - in for domestic abuse) Her reply was that he was the only person who ever loved her for who she was. I can do without love if this is it. Lynn||| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ] || A brilliant poem. I think this should be used as much as possible to provide a clear guideline for spotting an abuser plotting or executing his devilish plan. Women are mostly so tied up with kids and careers that they do not see these signs and when it starts happening it's almost always too late to get out. The price is also very high and sometimes even the kids are sacrificed. I read an article today of one of the first Saudi women to be granted a divorce and only after she was hospitalised after severe beatings. Her husband has to agree to divorce as there is no law that allows it. She then opted for no settlement in exchange for custody of her kids. She is a news presenter and that is probably the only reason her husband agreed. This portrays a very sad reality... most cases are never reported and the abuse continues. Women also keep shifting the parameters of what they find acceptable... 'if he cheats on me I'll leave'... and the one with the cheating husband says 'if he beats me I'll leave'... Great write and the harshness was necessary to make a point.||| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ] || being 20, but growing up in a household with twisted violence, i know exactly how this is done. it's that right up there, which is exactly why i hate violence so much, towards women, the one thing i always thought of was trwat women like queens cause that what they are. there were so many times... when i couldn't do anything because i was small, i tried though, then i paid for it. Painful, twisted and true, i don't like this subject, but you did write it well, and you have succeeded in pissing me off. thank you, God, all i could see was this fat, good for nothing man, beating this beautiful woman. aaaaaggggh! Good stuff sir, true to life...true to life.|
|| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by austin | [ Reply to This ] || I want to say that this poem weakened me. I know what it is like to love someone so much even though they are abusive. You feel dependent on them. They are the only one's at that time that seems to love you. It is almost like you can no longer hear what your mind is telling you because the abusive person has control over it. And on the other side your heart says that it's okay it will get better. Even though it never does. The abusive person can make you lose everything besides him so you do become dependent on him. You feel like he is all you have left. My ex had me feeling so negative about myself that I didn't think that I would ever find love outside of him. I felt ugly and I had no self confidence left. You really made a statement by posting this. I hope that people can open thier eyes and know that such a situation is not healthy. Especially if there is a child involved. Thanks for such an impacting read. |
|| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ] || This is sick. And I hope all can see how scary this life really is. I am going t post one through the eyes of the victim. This write is powerful and may do some good. Thanks fro the reminder of how precious life is. The part about the child sent chills through me. Wow||| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by manicsmuse | [ Reply to This ] || holy [censored] ed this is amazing. beyond words for this one. can't even say anything right now this is just so great* you are such a talented writer, i love your work. honestly words will do no justice for the "props" you deserve for this one**||| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ] || I've always said that all our writes have voices and I think that domestic violence is the one that should be the loudest. If it hurts it's not love, no matter how much you think that person loves you it's not the type of love that God had planned between a woman and man.|
This goes both ways, most women these days think it's hard to get rowdy with men too. two wrongs NEVER make a right.
I admire you for posting such a powerful write and for posting it in this tone, from his view point. This allows all readers to actually be in his mind and God willing if there are any victims out there will let them see that he NEVER thinks he is in the wrong, therefore no matter how many times he holds you, no matter how many promises are toss to float on the breeze, no matter how many times he kisses your swollen and bruised body will he ever see he is wrong and that is what most women think. "I'll stay he loves me." "we have kids together they need thier father." or the one that I think is most common " I can change him, I can make him a better man." Though we are strong, kind hearted natural care givers we can not alone change a man who's own anger comsumes his heart, and his mind.
|| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Brownsdelight | [ Reply to This ] || Sick, Ed. You really managed to make the reader hate woman-beaters' guts. I feel so important and honored that my poem managed to start a chain of poems that shed light on a subject so close to me. I have also read greensnake's poem. She did a magnificent job. Much love to the both of you!||| Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by Lady Tragedy | [ Reply to This ] || you forgot the way they also keep ypu from your friends. they also tell you it was your fault . and some threaten you if they think you might leave .abusive men are not sick just a over grown bully. I hope the ones who reads this will listen .you really dont want your kids to wake up one day and your gone., while the abuser raises your child. nice writing this is pretty darn close to the truth for me.||| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by wildheart | [ Reply to This ] || this is a very good topic to write about. i commend you for chosing it. i cried when i read. it's a very powerful poem and i'm sure there are some people that can relate to it. i like the style you chose to write it in, like the then i blah blah. that's good. the ending could have been a little better but over all an amazing job. great job <3||| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ] || I commend you on your commitment to writing pieces regarding issues of which the public must be aware. I do this also, with some of my pieces. Using your voice to warn and guide is, perhaps, the most powerful way you could ever use it, if only you know how. And you do, Ed. |
This piece was very simple, like a man of that calibur would speak/think it...which is precisely how it should sound. It sounds like it lacks of logical reasoning, which is exactly what these do not have: logical reasoning. The only thing to wish to have is control, and they will do anything to keep it. The dumb ones play 'punching bag'; the smart play emotional mind games. I used to date a mind gamer, but I was fortunate enough to recognize the warnings before it was too late, although he had already done some damage to my fragile 'needs to be loved' mind.
Again, this piece seems really kind of plain spoken, but it fits well with the type of person you are depicting. These type of people don't think in very descriptive terms. The message is very strong here, but maybe you should throw a bit more information into it about the mind games they tend to play...playing on a woman's emotions can cause emotional bruises that may last longer than physical ones.
|| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by eener | [ Reply to This ] || its pretty good for a life narrative. swave and well delivered. although you couldve used a little bit more rhythm. but thats what i like to see in a poem, just a tad bit of rhythm. but the progression was good. the jump from one idea to another was keenly executed. overall, id say good job ol' bean! ehhe||| Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by serpentarius | [ Reply to This ] || Well...it may not be all that strong in the areas of rhyme and rhythm, but then again, as eener pointed out, neither would this sort of person. This is a great description. You're right, the "mocking tone" definitey makes it much more powerful. I like the poem, and you achieved your purpose. I can't help but feel a burning...hatred almost toward anyone who would do such a thing, and a longing to be able to help anyone who would go through that. Excellent poem.||| Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by sphen | [ Reply to This ] |