Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

precouse gift taken away

Author: Archer
ASL Info:    17/female/Oregon
Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 118 /148 /53
Words: 67
Class/Type: Poetry /The pain inside
Total Views: 1433
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 392


i await your answer
this poem was writen in pain and i hope it is understood the way it was ment.

precouse gift taken away

if life is good
why does it hurt?
if love is real
why is it so hard?
how does the pain subside
and why did my love
commit scuicide

the presouse gift of love to me
was taken
hatfully and unfairyly

so here i sit
screaming in pain
standing here
i am alone again...

Submitted on 2005-01-05 14:56:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine what you went through and if you ever need to talk to a complete stranger (lol) I'm here for you.

Moving onto your piece here sjust a few suggestions:

"iIf life is great,
why is it so hard?
If love is real,
why does it hurt?
How does the pain subside,
and why,
did my love commit scuicide?

the precious gift of love to me,
was taken.
Hatefully and unfairly. [Hrm, not sure if thats a word]

So here I sit,
screaming in pain.
A life of tears,
I'm alone again...."

^ Just a coupel suggestiosn and some spelling errors. Good peice though. Once again so sorry for what you have to go through, and my offer still stands if you need a friend:O)

| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow darling. Nice job with this, you took every word and every thought away from me at the moment. My pain's just something that I think is unresolved and I am eating myself alive over nothing, but still it's hurting me. I can feel and taste all of your tears, this could still use a little work, poetry wise, but for your emotion that you had felt as you wrote it, it's brilliance. Maybe I should take my friends' advice and not get so lost in the stupid things that I do, but even still, nothing will change anytime soon.

-sigh- Life is so hard, you are so right, and I wish you weren't. But every word of what you wrote is fact, love is always stolen unfairly, hatefully, nothing about love and happiness is fair. I almost feel like I have to steal back my happiness from someone, just so I can be happy. But no, I'm too good of a person for that.

Why did I commit to being the good person at heart, a badass on the outside, good at heart. This sucks, life sucks. Yeah, if anyone I know sees this comment they are going to attack me with questions. Before I say something I shouldn't and although I know I already have said things I won't be able to take back and I will wish I would have when I had the chance I am not going to. I'll just, continue on to telling you what I liked about your poem.

First of all, there are a lot of grammer and capitalization errors. To start out, there is no punctuation...well...some question marks. But otherwise, that part needs a little work. The spelling could use some work, and the use of words and -ly adjectives could use some work. Other than that, this is great. Keep up the good work, WELCOME TO ELITE SKILLS!
| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Crimsonpathways | [ Reply to This ]
  Holy [censored], thats sad. You have touched me like no other on this site. I am sorry to hear this about your love. Love threatens suicide once in a while, but rarely ever commits. There is nothing more heartbreaking than this, I would just die. I hope this site is of some comfort to you in this time of crushing inner pain.

Just to let you in on a little of what I believe, and not to suggest that it is anyone elses belief, or fact, or anything else that its not. - I want to tell you that I think the physical world has been created soley to support a unique sensation/emotion/phenomenon called pain. Pain could not have ever existed if spirit and matter had not been mixed/placed in the same being. If the spiritual world had stayed as it was: free of any limits or bounds, it could not ever have supported the function of pain. Only because we are both spirit and matter in this world do we know pain, heartbreak, lonliness. We are unique creatures which are created to be enslaved in these tombs of flesh. Pain can only be know by us. The spirit world was free of pain until the physical was entwined with the spiritual.

Not that this will help any but, this has been a lesson in sinmore metalgod spiritulity 101. sorry.

thank you, sincerely, -sinmore
| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by sinmore | [ Reply to This ]
  Well superman already stated what I was going to write so I will not bore you with it again... You poem was very moving and it touched my heart. I thank the heavens that that is one thing I have never had to feel. I hope you can find your inner peace with this and move on with your life. I know it seems so hard to do right now but you deserve to live. If your love had this need for death then there was nothing you could have done to change this. His mind was already made up on this. Take care of yourself and wrap your heart around your soul. They will give each other comfort.
| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?