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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Sands of Timedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadpoet
    ASL Info:    18/f/ Miami, Fl
    Elite Ratio:    3.12 - 44/66/27
    Words: 227
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 323
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1402



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Sands of Timedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let's uncover the ruins of a broken heart
    Laying beneath these desert sands,
    As I can see us both torn apart,
    As I have yours tears stained upon my hands.

    I was there to raise the skies higher
    When you felt the world crashing down on you,
    As I resurrected these Roman pillars,
    Now forever enveloped by Poseidon's blue.

    I wish that I was not the one to bring the Black Death
    That nibbled on the grand feast of your soul
    For now I am left with nothing,
    But my heart, you see, it's now made of nothing but coal.

    I was there to hold you beneath my wing
    When the world was consumed by fire,
    And there to hold you from this apocalypse I now caused,
    As you prayed within my shielding shire.

    Like these ripples living anew each second
    Within the Dead Sea,
    As I left you to whither,
    Off Athena's great olive tree.

    I was the shooting star that fell within you hands,
    And the wish you caught in you palms,
    As I opened the key to your heart,
    And shot unto them the arrows of the Psalms.

    Yes, I left the ruins of your heart
    Sinking slowly into this moving Earth,
    As time, cutting these memories apart from us,
    Brings us anew into the next day's rebirth.




    Submitted on 2005-01-05 20:50:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is excellent! I feel this way about many things I do...it sucks, but you did an excellent job of portraying it! the imagery and the freedom within a rhyme are used flawlessly! only one hang up,

    "But my heart, you see, it's now made of nothing but coal." is sort of wordy. Fix it if you like, if not, its cool. rock on!

    In His service,
    shuford
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by littleshuford | [ Reply to This ]
      A few grammatical errors...the first stanza was great but after that all the rhythm seemed forced and took alot away from what could be a great write. Some of the sentences are just too long and the reader is easily stuffed up trying to take it all in. Shorten the lines and straighten the beat and this would be a five star poem.
    | Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by pyrestarter | [ Reply to This ]



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