Well, Joseph, this is a pretty bleak outlook. Even so, it's very descriptive and I definitely got the picture. I've never been to Belfast, but I've seen videos on the news and such. The picture I got from your poem is of a town that is gray and bleak, perhaps sooty or covered by some other form of pollution. Overcast skies and cosld. Not a relieving mist, just overcast. Is that the way you see Belfast?
As far as the technical aspects of your poem are concerned, I did find a few hiccups in your meter. Generally just a syllabale or two. For example: The world drifts lazily by me Huddled in my charcoal jacket Guideless sailor lost at sea Carrying an empty packet
I feel like I trip on the first line here. Could you substitute "slowly" for lazily? I think it's just a syllable too long.
This is the one that made me starat examining the whole poem: The driver chatters on Oblivious to my void mind My passion with time gone Boredom with the daily grind
"...my void mind" just doesn't work here - or at least in m opinion. How about substituting something with two syllables for "void."
Now this stanza I'm not sure I understand: People traverse the street Walking along absently Without world weary feet That move on stupidly
How can they walk along without feet, world weary or otherwise? Did you actually mean "with world weary feet" and just had a typo?
And the last stanza just doesn't feel quite right. You kind of need a "than" in there for it to make sense. Life has no direction No greater shining goal Than to make a correction...
These are small changes to a very descriptive write. Good job. mae
you know... this is a pretty bleak and cold outlook on life. the first time i read it through i didnty do a very good job of it but i went back over it a second time and man...
Sitting on a drab grey seat Staring through hazy glass At all the people I could meet Answers I could seek at Mass
initially i thought the hazy glass was the bottom of a bottle... im not sure why... and it kinda still cound be actually though the look you were going for was a cab window right...? the part that intrigued me in this first stanza was the last line... the answers at mass... and im not sure why... the only mass service i have ever been to was a funeral... requiem mass or something like that and well... if you were looking for answers that wasnt quite the place to go to... it was confusing to me (and i am a christian myself)... i couldnt work out how and when to stand and sit and i didnt know the lines and i think it left me feeling completely alienated so im kinda wondering whether mass would be the place to find answers... but anyways...
i could picture this as i read it... the first stanza especially... huddled in a taxi with rain streaming down the windows like prison bars... the total alone'ness of it all... but then i got the feeling that out on the streets ppl were hustling and bustling about their business totally oblivious to the rain and everything... like it wasnt there for them at all...
with taxi drivers i have had some of THE most random convos ever... i talk out of awkwardness... talking is better than the silence but i get the idea that in this write the awkwardness wasnt felt coz the passenger was consumed with themselves so much and the total over life feelings he seemed to have.
all up this is a very good write. i love writes that paint pictures in my mind... that i can make a wee movie clip to... good job!