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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: No Direction, Get a Cabdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: riverseo
    ASL Info:    18/Male/Belfast
    Elite Ratio:    4.17 - 24/34/13
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 740
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 699



    Description:
       I always thought this wa sone of my stupid poems, but it has grown on me a lot...to me its about being fed up with parts of life..and feeling our the only one who is fed up with it..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNo Direction, Get a Cabdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sitting on a drab grey seat
    Staring through hazy glass
    At all the people I could meet
    Answers I could seek at Mass

    The world drifts lazily by me
    Huddled in my charcoal jacket
    Guideless sailor lost at sea
    Carrying an empty packet

    The driver chatters on
    Oblivious to my void mind
    My passion with time gone
    Boredom with the daily grind

    People traverse the street
    Walking along absently
    Without world weary feet
    That move on stupidly

    Life has no direction
    No greater shining goal
    Just to make a correction
    To someone else’s soul.




    Submitted on 2005-01-06 04:24:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, Joseph, this is a pretty bleak outlook. Even so, it's very descriptive and I definitely got the picture. I've never been to Belfast, but I've seen videos on the news and such. The picture I got from your poem is of a town that is gray and bleak, perhaps sooty or covered by some other form of pollution. Overcast skies and cosld. Not a relieving mist, just overcast. Is that the way you see Belfast?

    As far as the technical aspects of your poem are concerned, I did find a few hiccups in your meter. Generally just a syllabale or two. For example:
    The world drifts lazily by me
    Huddled in my charcoal jacket
    Guideless sailor lost at sea
    Carrying an empty packet

    I feel like I trip on the first line here. Could you substitute "slowly" for lazily? I think it's just a syllable too long.

    This is the one that made me starat examining the whole poem:
    The driver chatters on
    Oblivious to my void mind
    My passion with time gone
    Boredom with the daily grind

    "...my void mind" just doesn't work here - or at least in m opinion. How about substituting something with two syllables for "void."

    Now this stanza I'm not sure I understand:
    People traverse the street
    Walking along absently
    Without world weary feet
    That move on stupidly

    How can they walk along without feet, world weary or otherwise? Did you actually mean "with world weary feet" and just had a typo?

    And the last stanza just doesn't feel quite right. You kind of need a "than" in there for it to make sense.
    Life has no direction
    No greater shining goal
    Than to make a correction...

    These are small changes to a very descriptive write. Good job. mae
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, obviously I didn't proofread my comment before I posted it! Sorry about all the typos.

    cosld. should be cold. syllabale - syllable, starat - start, m - my,

    sorry. mae
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      you know... this is a pretty bleak and cold outlook on life. the first time i read it through i didnty do a very good job of it but i went back over it a second time and man...

    Sitting on a drab grey seat
    Staring through hazy glass
    At all the people I could meet
    Answers I could seek at Mass

    initially i thought the hazy glass was the bottom of a bottle... im not sure why... and it kinda still cound be actually though the look you were going for was a cab window right...?
    the part that intrigued me in this first stanza was the last line... the answers at mass... and im not sure why... the only mass service i have ever been to was a funeral... requiem mass or something like that and well... if you were looking for answers that wasnt quite the place to go to... it was confusing to me (and i am a christian myself)... i couldnt work out how and when to stand and sit and i didnt know the lines and i think it left me feeling completely alienated so im kinda wondering whether mass would be the place to find answers... but anyways...

    i could picture this as i read it... the first stanza especially... huddled in a taxi with rain streaming down the windows like prison bars... the total alone'ness of it all...
    but then i got the feeling that out on the streets ppl were hustling and bustling about their business totally oblivious to the rain and everything... like it wasnt there for them at all...

    with taxi drivers i have had some of THE most random convos ever... i talk out of awkwardness... talking is better than the silence but i get the idea that in this write the awkwardness wasnt felt coz the passenger was consumed with themselves so much and the total over life feelings he seemed to have.

    all up this is a very good write. i love writes that paint pictures in my mind... that i can make a wee movie clip to... good job!
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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