Reminds me of a poem by Ezra Pound with lines something like:
Plum blossom petals
blow from the East to the West
and I have tried to keep them from falling.
There's a problem for me, just where the two figures (blossom-falling and sky-eating) need to hold hands, sort of - they need to refer to each other maybe? And I don't quite get it. But nearly! The second last line says the whole sky is falling - the great limit is falling - just like a blossom. But why do I want to eat it, or not?
I think it's about accepting the nourishment offered by life, even when there's a heavy price to pay, in emotional conflict, for our partly enjoyable survival.
But maybe you didn't quite mean that ... so maybe here is a bit which you might clarify somehow. It's the theme of the poem, so probably you want people to interpret it your way?
Another suggestion, since you ask for suggestions. The second stanza is mostly made up of clichés - phrases which are too familiar to be exciting, even if they express exactly what you wanted to say! The clichés are:
beneath careless feet
But the rest of the poem is excitingly original in its wording! If that is deliberate, I'd have to think about it some more. But if it is deliberate, my first impression is that it doesn't work; and if not deliberate, then someone ought to notice this for you!
I think the structure of this poem (both conceptually and as verse) is wonderful, resembling the art of a long experienced poet or at least of one of those poets who get famous! Perhaps I am saying that using hackneyed conversational phrases as part of your poetic vocabulary seems inconsistent with the great original wit which is displayed in the same piece! However, I'm not sure if there's any reason why you need to agree with this! ...
This is wonderful. I've always thought tradegy was beautiful. I don't really understand the eating the sky thing, but it's art and art is obscure sometimes. I love the change of form near the end. Thank you for sharing this!
the first question on seeing the title of the poem is: how can tradegy be beautiful? people say that writing a poem without a title is like giving birth to a nameless child and this title make one want to read the whole poem. this is the effect that the title of the poem had on me. beautiful.
It was nice, but it had some phrases I didn't like. Like the sky is the limit I am not one for clichés and it kind of feels like one. The whole poem flies nicely, and the ending kind of threw me off. Its really personal perspective, and it strikes me as something of personal feelings, and one consuming themselves in it.
that was awesome how you asked if tragedy must be so beautiful, and if beauty must be so tragic...and yeah, ponder is exactly what it made me do. ponder if the sky fell, would i eat it, or let it sit there and rot, because that would certainly not be beautiful, but it would be tragic, however...lol. i enjoyed this one, and...it's a fav on my list...
scrolling forever... wow... you get an uber-lot of comments. i really enjoyed this piece... and kudos for the talent of mastering the art of ES Code to do the staggered verse! the second stanza is awesome- suicidal blossoms, throwing themselves onto the sidewalk... a cool way to think of it... made me think of autumn, when the leaves start falling and how it could be compared to suicide jumping... thanks! *md*
I think that the first lines should be kept as they are; although vague they are very thought-provoking and give the reader scope to interpret the poem in their own personal manner...hence it will appeal to more people. My personal take on it is twofold: firstly it seems to be a play on the phrase 'pie in the sky' (an unattainable dream) and also seems to represent those strange, absurd fantasies that we all wish we could live out but we know are impossible.
The second stanza is fairly self-explanatory and has been documneted extensively on this page; I have nothing more to say on that account. The third stanza is interesting, especially with the auxiliary affect of spacing the lines diagonally. I largely agree with the first part of the stanza- the nature of beauty is that it fades and hence is tragic. It is also true that beauty and tragedy are often mixed and entwined- it is human nature to Romanticise tragic events (such as Jimi Hendrix's death enhancing his myth) and we will always be intrinsically attracted to tragedy. However I do think it is being a tad melodramatic to say that this is always the case.
The final two-lined 'stanza' provides a very thoughtful conclusion to the piece- it seems to hypothetically pose the question: 'things have gone pear shaped...will you live out your fantasy?' I think that the fantasy you speak of is suicide, and possibly even that suicide is the 'eating of the sky'. If so, I suppose I am simply not suicidal to appreciate it fully. I liked this piece- it definitely makes any reader stop and think.
Well, this is very thought provoking. I have to say that I never thought of anything like:
Suicidal blossoms Throw themselves at the sidewalk, Hell bent on self destruction, Their short lived beauty Trampled beneath careless feet…
The sky is the limit
Well, it may not have been the intent, but you made me think that a lot of things might be suicidal that wouldn't ordinarily be thought of that way (earthworms on the sidewalk in summer, for example). I'm pretty sure you're talking about beautiful people being suicidal, and I guess there's truth to that (Conor Oberst has tried it a few times).
The sky is the limit
Must beauty Always be So tragic? Tragedy So beautiful…?
I'm oddly attracted to sad things, and I always see beauty in the bleak (from Sylvia Plath to Shakespearean tragedies), so that's a valid question. With the sky being limit and it falling down, that's kind of depressing. There's nothing for which to aim.
I'm not sure that you need the ellipses though, but I like this piece very much. I don't have any real criticism. I don't really think you need to exapnd the eating of the sky part, but if you feel that you need to, do so.
I've got two suggestions for the same thing. can't decide which one is better, it's up to you.
first one: leave out the first two lines. second: take these two lines and replace with them the last two
either way I don't like those two lines at the beginning so much. I think you should start immediately with your second stanza. but this is a great poem. I like it very much. especially the beginning of the second stanza.
First thing that strikes me, the blossoms might want to throw themselves "to" the sidewalk, it more closely parallels the suicidal leaping or jumping.
Now you open with a great question, if you could, would you. I think that you might close with, the sky is falling down, "if you have to" will you eat it?
If I understand the poem, then I think you will understand my suggestions, but I would encourage you to avoid explaining this too much. I think it is a wonderful poem, somewhat open ended, but not too obtuse either. A nice balance.
I would throw out, " the sky is the limit". I just did not like it in there, maybe it is just to old of a saying to put in this beautiful poem... not real sure but I just did not like it. Not sure how you would expand on eating the sky...but some fun ideas poop in my head
1)Drink in the rain drops
well ok so I only had one idea... had more but they would not fit well in this poem... my ideas sound like something I would read to my 4 year old niece... it would make a cute funny poem ... eating the sky...
anyway, I like how you set this up and the flow seemed fine, wish I could help you out more as you do me, but sorry! Dana
i would not change a thing. talking of scuicide i have a huge therory on that but will not elabotate at this time. how ever i will say that dispite much else i do understand this. you seem to be asking just one thing in general... when people kill them selfs will others take it the sky is the limit to the possibilitys that are out there. and by asking if we would eat the sky it is like a mocking statement kinda like saying well i killed my self felt this pain all causes of you so when the sky falls are you gonna take that too. i dunno i gess i sound stupid but that is how i took it and i feel that you are right. good job and i hope you don't change it if nothing else ad to it.
I agree about expanding the sky part. I wrote a piece like that once and everyone freaked out on my lack of explanation.....
Ah oh well.
I dont know if this was purposeful but you spelled out MASTS in the fourth stanza. Just thought that was either really coicidental,or maybe its someones nickname and you were trying to sneak it in here without anyone knowing, huh huh, is that it?
Overall I had a hard time understanding this poem but I think you really wrote this for yourself. To get out of one of thoes confused moments when you just need to write. Or I could be like some complete moron who does not see the mastermind behind this piece and you'll come beat me up.
I agree with sandburg about "to" versus "at". It brings the image more to life.
But to answer your question, I would pass on eatting the sky. Can you imagine how gassy that would make me? I mean, it's nothing but air! Also, it would depend on what part of the sky. I might take a tiny little nibble from the sky over, say, the Zambezi River. But you can forget about the sky over Beijing. That [censored]s like airborne...[censored].
I don't agree with the sentiment. Beauty is not always tragic. And tragedy is far from always beautiful.
Ok so I am in some ways lost in this piece...I dont think Im getting entirley what your saying but I will say that once I got to the end my head just started filling in more and then thats when I realized I dont think I understood exacltey what you mean... I would say loose the skys the limit...IT just doesnt seem right, like heres this beautiful piece that could become so much and then bamm that just kinda sucks alot of the pieces strength out of it... I agree with raputres about drinking rain drops since thats one of the things that popped into my head, I think theres more there waiting to come out...maybe you should sit at a windo and look out for a while! IF you add more lemme know so I can reasses and hopefully figure out whatyour really trying to say with the piece-John
well maybe i don't want you to expand this per se...just write more:P since what you write is you and writers like that write a never-ending story. a report from the front line unerased(ooh..poetry..go me...). miss you.
"If one is to be doomed, one must be beautiful, or the drama is only a comedy. And therefore, Unbeautiful..."
you're going to have to explain this one. i understand the flower stanza and the question stanza, but the sky metaphor is lost on me. the phrase "the sky is the limit" obviously connects to the beginning and ending lines, but what does it mean? the sky falling is definitely a tragic happening... and i admire your original use of cliché sayings... you seems to be saying "how much can you stand" or "how will you hold up?". but as to the specifics...
man, this is [censored] brilliant. i love the statement "does beauty always have to be so tragic" it kind of makes me think.... i mean about all of the great love stories like romeo and juliet.... it's like what makes those so beautiful is the tragidy.... but im a little stoned right now so i might be thinkin weird either way i like this new fav.
i think i understand what you mean by using the image of the sky, and i think you're trying to look at it as the weight of the world...not so? ..hmmmm-that the sky is the limit, but sometimes things in life seem to go higher than the sky and we feel we shd just eat it up. suicidal blossoms and tragedy and beauty finding a way to intergrate makes this is a uniquely interesting piece. i gotta give it up to you coz you know how to express yourself with the least possible, some of us write long psalms yet wow, you used so little words and xplained your theme adequately. personally i love it. and for me the last line showed me this was about the weight of the world(coz i know what you are going through) if u cannot burden yourself with the skies falling why not eat it instead- good .
personally... i get the feeling of... "if the world is ending... will you accept it? are you ready?" also goes well with the concept of death... "are you ready?" and finally, the notion of beauty falling from grace... very dramatic.
I'd eat it. Okay now time to not take the literally and talk about your poem.
Whoa I must say that was pretty deep (laughs for saying that) anyway I liked how it was just like asking you, "Would you?" It makes me think of what I would do in difference cases. Like if the world ends right beofre it does would I be okay...? I think I would understand... Anyway I like this, it is so...well once again deep.
I really like how this piece looks. Like its size, how it's broken up and the spacing/indentation for the beautiful tragedy part. Without even reading it, I could enjoy just sitting and looking at it.
Ideas for eating the sky:
Swallow the clouds and drink in the blue
I don't know... that's just what sort of popped into my heads for sky eating ideas lol
I really liked this piece. It's so emotionally charged. Or it feels it anyway. You make these blossoms out to sound totally insane. That second stanza just totally crackles with energy or something. It feels... explosive. Reading it, I'm just waiting for it to blow up, shockwave, thunderous blast, fireball and all. I don't know... maybe that's just because I use the word "blossom" to describe explosions in some of my short stories... but still! I'm just waiting for that whole stanza to go nuclear on me or something.
If the sky is the limit... eating it would make it go away... but it's falling... so now... the limit's lower... or broken... or both. I don't know if I totally understand the piece, but I really do love it, and I'm going to add it to my favorite list. I just love looking at it lol
Epiph, don't change a thing! I absolutely love the illusion of eating the sky - and your last stanza
The sky is falling down... Will you eat it?
is (for me) a throwback to some of my favorite lyrics written by Shirley Manson of Garbage. The awesome simplicity and delicious uniqueness of this piece make it one of the best things I've read. If it sounds like I'm a suck-up, Epiph, I'm not really. I just LOVE your writing. Bye now!