Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unrecognizeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 553
    Class/Type: Story/Longing
    Total Views: 926
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3105



    Description:
       We had to write this for English, but I'm seriously considering turning it in for a short story contest in the area. . . please tell me anything you can that I can do to improve it and bring out the emotions behind the piece.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnrecognizeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    She stood on the landing above the main theater, above the warm darkness and the lighthearted contentment of the crowd below. Her eyes were lined in cheap mascara that showed signs of smearing; sooty trails were left in the wake of now-dried tears. No one noticed her and she noticed no one – no one, that is, except for the couple on the third row, three seats from the aisle. They were perhaps the happiest couple among a myriad of happy couples enjoying the show, lost in a world of their own creation as they cuddled and whispered together in the enchanted, shadowy realm before the stage. To her, it was as if a crimson smoke drifted heavenwards from their delight in simple companionship, but it was not the incense-scent of vicariously experiencing the kindred love of two fellow humans. It was an acrid smoke, a bitter smoke that stung her nostrils and tainted her tongue and smeared her mind with the inky blackness of outraged anguish and infuriated sorrow.

    As she watched (not the performance on stage, but the drama played out between the snuggling twosome), the woman leaned over to the man and murmured something in his ear, and they stood simultaneously and attempted to inch out of the row as unobtrusively as possible – while, of course, maintaining an unbreakable hold on the other’s hand. She sucked in a breath, tightening her grip on the railing. Her knuckles blushed white and the veins lining her pale hands stood out from her skin, holding back the blue rivers of frigid blood that could no longer carry heat. His arm now around the woman’s waist, they ascended the stairway, and as they did, she felt the tide of memories in the back of her brain threaten to rush out of their bunkers and foxholes to flood her mind with the stuff of shadows: recollections, remembrances, reminiscences. But threaten ominously was all they accomplished. She wasn’t one to lose control very often, and as she had already crumbled under the weight of her past once today, she refused to give in to her emotions again.

    The pair stopped at the summit of the steps to speak in hushed tones to the usher, who smiled wryly and then gestured toward the dimly lit corridors that led to the murky domain beyond the theater. When their love-lit eyes followed the usher’s indicative finger, her cheeks flushed, burning with the fire that had been raging, unquenchable, deep inside her since what felt like the beginning of time. . . even though it had only been a few weeks ago since its violent kindling. Then, as if drawn by fate, the man and the woman started toward her. Her cheeks’ fire peaked with such ferocity that it was vaguely surprising that the theater wasn’t engulfed in a blazing inferno just from the vehement flushing of her face . Just before they passed, she ducked her face behind a shielding hand, staring down at the railing, feigning concentration on its intricate design, while the whole time her mind was wholly riveted on the two traitors strolling, arm in arm, right behind her.

    Of course, they never even noticed her.




    Submitted on 2005-01-06 20:24:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a wonderful piece. The emotion is of the girl watching the couple is impowering. Noticing them, but never being noticed, it would suck even though it seemed like she didn't want to be noticed. But nomatter who you are, its nice when someone does. There is only one suggestion I have...Her cheeks’ fire peaked with such ferocity that it was vaguely surprising that the theater wasn’t engulfed in a blazing inferno just from the vehement flushing of her face . You might consider changing it to... The fire in her cheeks peaked with such ferocity, it was vaguely surprising the theater wasn't engulfed in a blazing inferno just from the vehement flushing of her face.
    It's just a suggestion. Something I did notice, and that I'm so horrible about doing myself is, I use the word "that" when I really don't need to. Just re-read through your piece and when you come to the word "that" see if you can take it out. Otherwise, nicely done. You should definitly enter it. Oh and of course let me know how the contest goes. *Crosses fingers for you*
    I'm glad you value my opinion, it means alot to me, but I gotta know why? Just wondering.

    Rain
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      there are some parts of this that were unclear: is this a stage play theater or movie theater? is she the left-behind ex girlfriend? why is she there at the theater to stare at the couple? why does it matter that they don't notice her, does she need confrontation?
    i'd like a few details about the back story to these moments in the theater to clarify who these people are in relation to each other.

    also, some of this felt ... overly wordy, which makes it read very melodramatic and i lost any sympathy i had for the girl fairly fast into the story. the theme of this to me would be better served with simple, almost spartan adjectives and descriptions of her surroundings except in the aspect of her feelings towards the couple. betrayed lovers usually don't notice much else besides their rage. so, if you like, revise a bit (if you want to at all, my advice is sometimes crap) and let me know when you're done with the revisions and i'll read it again. overall, a good write, thanks for sharing. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2005-01-06 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      
    You know, that wasn't too bad. What you gave us was a lot of speculation on what was actually happening and the intent of the watching and pondering girl. We expect violent intent, of course, which makes it suspenseful, and being vague about these things is a good way to build suspense. No need clearing confusion - it is for the reader to work it out by themselves.
    But there are some things concerning the language. It was written in a more illustrative and artistic fashion then it should have been. This type of piece needs a little bit of art to it but not so much that the reader gets word-tied - that's no fun. Clear up some of the longer or more intricate sentences and make them simple and consice. Show us with simple language. It would make this a fine work.
    Good work with the suspense. Just give it an edit and tune-up.
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Eggman | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an excellent piece Secret, BUt I have to agree wtih Eggman about the Language. Turning something like that in for English def. got you an "A" but it seems too artistic to show good meaning here. Honestly I sometimes found myself wrapped up in your wording and would get lost in the paragraph. A couple times I also felt like your wording gave the a lot of the sentences a run-on appearnce.

    This is an AWESOME piece however. Enter it in the contest but go over it one more time with the things previous commenters have said in mind.

    Good luck!!!

    --Kayla
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    40831

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry