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    dots Submission Name: Hellcitydots

    Author: Dana
    ASL Info:    23/F/Dreamland
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 79/87/26
    Words: 277
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1212
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1615

       Something about the place where my heart belongs...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I was walking down the streets of my town
    All alone, I was broken, so sad and empty
    I saw all the dull, lifeless houses passing by
    I was still here, but I wish I said goodbye

    I had been living for so many years here
    My heart was longing for another place
    I had tried to find it, I didnít know where
    This searching had lasted for too long

    It was a miracle in the frost of the winter
    I had been waiting for ages to discover
    Hellcity on another side of the planet
    With all the colorful houses and the sunset

    The new world, lot of emotions and joy
    It showed me the scene I was longing for
    Inspirations, the life in motion, like a new toy
    My mind and soul so safe and pure

    Change in mind, new deem about things
    My newborn soul, what a bizarre feeling
    Reincarnation of a fallen angel who sings
    You can hear the echo of its friendly calling

    Life has changed as time changes everything
    Experience step by step seems to grow
    My inner guardian keeps on thinking
    How to make my lonely soul just glow

    Itís hard to believe it was in reality
    Seemed it could be a dream or a fantasy
    All I need to feel is a mood of that city
    Where I found myself and lived merrily

    Hellcity is the best place for my kind
    I am a fan of snow and a winter child
    Itís my safe haven, my source of mind
    In the end Hellcity turns to my paradise

    © by DANA 2005

    Submitted on 2005-01-07 05:52:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Genious. This piece was fantastic, it reminded me of Dante's "Inferno". The part were he was all alone and depressed in the woods. You see he lost his pathlike most people do in life and the path that he followed to a place were the evils of mankind come out. But yours was different, yours was a place filled with nothing. Barren and cold with no color. Yet you managed to find your rightful place again. Well I could critique this peice for hours but I wouldnt want to bore you so ill just say great job and ill be Watching your new work to.
    Medieval Aztec
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by Medieval Aztec | [ Reply to This ]
      First it very kool that you have so much love for you motherland,bravo and you did a good job metaphorically with your poem.

    My suggestion to improve your poem is to cut down on the usage of the word "I" because after the first few, the reader knows it about you. here's a few things, that will smooth out your poem.

    I was walking down the streets of Hellcity
    All alone, broken, sad and completely empty
    The dull, lifeless houses were still standing as I passed by
    Wishing this wasn't good-bye

    After living here for so many years
    My heart was longing for another place
    trying to find it, without knowing where to look
    searching beyond my will

    Now this was just an example how to cut down on the usages of the word "I" with some reverse writing mixed in.

    Good luck
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]

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