Her Eyes Were Closed
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Description:
Yeah, kinda long, sorry about that. Not completely a true story, but kind of close. Any advice on wording or structure or anything is greatly appreciated, thanx.
Her Eyes Were Closed
The knives that swept across her flesh Meant nothing once her eyes were closed… Her mother’s screams, Her father’s tears The pain, the sorrow, The love, the fear Meant nothing once her eyes were closed She let it all go She just had to get away They lie she lived was getting old. And all the hugs she gave that day Meant nothing once her eyes were closed ‘She’s coming around, She’ll be okay.’ She saw the doctors And wished them away Why wouldn’t they just let her eyes close? She was covered in bandages And flowers consumed her room Despite the beauty all she felt was the anger From being brought back to her doom Why wouldn’t they just let her eyes close? Her parents stood over her As the smiled and nodded to the nurse ‘You try this shit again you little bitch And next time you’ll be leaving in a hearse!’ And they wondered why she wanted her eyes closed They hit her and cursed her The entire way home She wanted to leave She wanted to roam To a place where her eyes wouldn’t want so badly to close But they kept her inside They locked her in tight And day in and day out They continued to fight And all the wanted was for her eyes to close Her friends held her close Tried to squeeze out the pain But no matter how hard they tried All the hurt still remained Yet they tried to keep her eyes from closing Broken hears and failing classes Getting hit and getting wasted Was not the life for her And it was their time being wasted And she favored them by resting her eyes Some pills, a knife And a room locked away Where no one could reach her Or try and save her that day All her eyes to finally be closed ‘We can’t bring her back. I’m sorry,’ he said ‘Oh well’ they shrugged And to hell she was fed But none of this mattered now that eyes were closed She was in a place of peace Away from the life she once led And everything, well, it turned out okay Now that she was rightfully dead |
Submitted on 2005-01-07 07:14:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| Wow, talk about sitting here and causing some tears to well up in my eyes. This was a truely heartfelt, haunting piece. Sad...but so true in many cases. I feel and pray for people daily that have it so bad this appears to be the only way out. Yet, never for myself in the same boat... ~BCute | Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ] | It's actually pretty good. I think I would try to shorten up the long sentences, that might make it flow better. The eyes closing thing gets a little repititious after a while, try to think of another way to put it every so often. The length seems to be okay. Check over your typos. The content is good here. The message is clear, if I'm getting it right, everybody was just kind of waiting for it to finally happen. Good luck with this, I think it could be much better with a little more time. | | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ] | never worry if a poem is long, if it is great and powerful like your,its worth reading no matter how long it is. I think it funny how people can read a book and not worry if it is too long,yet if a poem is more than a page they complain,lol | Her parents never understood her and so sad was they never look to find what the driving force was behind her always wanting to leave, yet somehow they thought belittling her and demeaning her was the answer. You can't ever stop a person from killing themselves by being mean or trying to keep them trapped, only by inspiration,compassion and understanding can you stop them, even then sometimes, their minds are too far gone sadly. | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ] | Absolutly fabulous it is indeed a poem of emotion and that on its own makes you poem great but because its not that it also has the bite of reality it make your poem not a good poem but a masterpeice congrats keep it up youl go far dont give up | | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by runaway_poet | [ Reply to This ] | So sad my dear. It gave me chills. I've had to go through this so many times, not only with my friends but with myself. Just wanting to leave, escape torment. Just wanting the breath you just took to be the last. This is great. | Rain  | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ] | i am pretty speachless right now. this was so perfect, the lenght was great, got all the emotions out. i wanted to cry for this girl. life sucks and with people like that in your life you just don't care to live anymore. such a sad thing to happen. good job on this one*** | | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ] | This was great, I agree the sentences could be shorter...It could flow a little better.Wannabe said that the eyes closing thing got a little repettiious after a while, and I agree...you should try to pull it out, at least once. There is some typos, like wannabe said. The first one I see is 'broken hears', did you mean broken hearts?...It was very powerfull as ed mentioned too. Keep writing like this and you'll only get compliments. Good Job, Great write | Camoflage | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by camoflage | [ Reply to This ] | I really like this. You can see the pain and..wow..it's really deep and emotional. I like how you go back to " her eyes were closed" and the part about her parents saying to her try this again...that was a GREAT line, to put an emphasis on everything thats going on |  I thought " now that she was rightfully dead" was a little rough but, That's just me personally. | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by DreamInColour07 | [ Reply to This ] | |
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