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Her Eyes Were Closed

Author: painofthanatos
Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 684 /571 /86
Words: 385
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 936
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2450


Yeah, kinda long, sorry about that. Not completely a true story, but kind of close. Any advice on wording or structure or anything is greatly appreciated, thanx.

Her Eyes Were Closed

The knives that swept across her flesh
Meant nothing once her eyes were closed…

Her mother’s screams,
Her father’s tears
The pain, the sorrow,
The love, the fear
Meant nothing once her eyes were closed

She let it all go
She just had to get away
They lie she lived was getting old.
And all the hugs she gave that day
Meant nothing once her eyes were closed

‘She’s coming around,
She’ll be okay.’
She saw the doctors
And wished them away
Why wouldn’t they just let her eyes close?

She was covered in bandages
And flowers consumed her room
Despite the beauty all she felt was the anger
From being brought back to her doom
Why wouldn’t they just let her eyes close?

Her parents stood over her
As the smiled and nodded to the nurse
‘You try this shit again you little bitch
And next time you’ll be leaving in a hearse!’
And they wondered why she wanted her eyes closed

They hit her and cursed her
The entire way home
She wanted to leave
She wanted to roam
To a place where her eyes wouldn’t want so badly to close

But they kept her inside
They locked her in tight
And day in and day out
They continued to fight
And all the wanted was for her eyes to close
Her friends held her close
Tried to squeeze out the pain
But no matter how hard they tried
All the hurt still remained
Yet they tried to keep her eyes from closing

Broken hears and failing classes
Getting hit and getting wasted
Was not the life for her
And it was their time being wasted
And she favored them by resting her eyes

Some pills, a knife
And a room locked away
Where no one could reach her
Or try and save her that day
All her eyes to finally be closed

‘We can’t bring her back.
I’m sorry,’ he said
‘Oh well’ they shrugged
And to hell she was fed
But none of this mattered now that eyes were closed

She was in a place of peace
Away from the life she once led
And everything, well, it turned out okay
Now that she was rightfully dead

Submitted on 2005-01-07 07:14:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Wow, talk about sitting here and causing some tears to well up in my eyes. This was a truely heartfelt, haunting piece. Sad...but so true in many cases. I feel and pray for people daily that have it so bad this appears to be the only way out. Yet, never for myself in the same boat...
| Posted on 2005-01-17 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  It's actually pretty good. I think I would try to shorten up the long sentences, that might make it flow better. The eyes closing thing gets a little repititious after a while, try to think of another way to put it every so often. The length seems to be okay. Check over your typos. The content is good here. The message is clear, if I'm getting it right, everybody was just kind of waiting for it to finally happen. Good luck with this, I think it could be much better with a little more time.
| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by wannabe1 | [ Reply to This ]
  never worry if a poem is long, if it is great and powerful like your,its worth reading no matter how long it is. I think it funny how people can read a book and not worry if it is too long,yet if a poem is more than a page they complain,lol

Her parents never understood her and so sad was they never look to find what the driving force was behind her always wanting to leave, yet somehow they thought belittling her and demeaning her was the answer.

You can't ever stop a person from killing themselves by being mean or trying to keep them trapped, only by inspiration,compassion and understanding can you stop them, even then sometimes, their minds are too far gone sadly.
| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
  Absolutly fabulous it is indeed a poem of emotion and that on its own makes you poem great but because its not that it also has the bite of reality it make your poem not a good poem but a masterpeice congrats keep it up youl go far dont give up
| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by runaway_poet | [ Reply to This ]
  So sad my dear. It gave me chills. I've had to go through this so many times, not only with my friends but with myself. Just wanting to leave, escape torment. Just wanting the breath you just took to be the last. This is great.

| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  i am pretty speachless right now. this was so perfect, the lenght was great, got all the emotions out. i wanted to cry for this girl. life sucks and with people like that in your life you just don't care to live anymore. such a sad thing to happen. good job on this one***
| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
  This was great, I agree the sentences could be shorter...It could flow a little better.Wannabe said that the eyes closing thing got a little repettiious after a while, and I should try to pull it out, at least once. There is some typos, like wannabe said. The first one I see is 'broken hears', did you mean broken hearts?...It was very powerfull as ed mentioned too. Keep writing like this and you'll only get compliments. Good Job, Great write
| Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by camoflage | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this. You can see the pain's really deep and emotional. I like how you go back to " her eyes were closed" and the part about her parents saying to her try this again...that was a GREAT line, to put an emphasis on everything thats going on

I thought " now that she was rightfully dead" was a little rough but, That's just me personally.
| Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by DreamInColour07 | [ Reply to This ]

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