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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 2546
    Average Vote:    3.3333
    Bytes: 1086



    Description:
       The second "re-write" if you will. My previous haiku 'Tears' is one of my most commented-on works and so I think above the rest of the haikus that I wrote a while ago, it deserves something more.

    I plan to "re-write" the two remaining haikus soon, but 'Courage' (the first one) has already been completed for viewing.

    Anyway, hope you like it...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wanted to see you.
    Even if it meant
    Surviving the storm,
    Defying the lightning,
    Thieving the thunder,
    And embracing the rain.

    I hoped to see you.
    Believing beyond boundaries
    That the clouds would pass
    And the still water
    That lay on all the pathways
    Would drain away,
    Leaving only what there was
    Before the squall to age in peace,
    While the waters themselves
    Fade to a memory.

    I wished to see you.
    Even if you are
    Further than the furthest star
    There's still a part of me
    With you. And so,
    However heavy the rain,
    You will be sheltered
    Away in my heart.

    I'm still wanting, hoping, wishing.
    Looking towards silky skies to hide
    The fact I've never been
    'The one' for anybody.
    Now that I am alone,
    Tears will shatter dreams
    Like hail in a winter storm,
    And I think it would be best
    If I didn't cry, this time.




    Submitted on 2005-01-07 17:25:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i know you arent even reading these comments anymore... why would you the amount is rediculas however i want you to know i liked it. it was great. i hope you find the one
    | Posted on 2011-03-14 00:00:00 | by chiatealover | [ Reply to This ]
      i know you have a lot of comments so what's one more. i just wanted to say that while reading this poem i felt as if you wrote this poem for me. when a person can actually say that about a poem, then the poet has done their job very well. i'm going through somethings in my life and i really needed to hear this poem. i just wish i had found it sooner. all of my emotions can be found within your poem and i appriciate your poem for that. you are indeed a very talented poet. keep up the good work. ps. i havn't been on this website since last year. so it was nice to come back and read something that was as good as your work:)
    | Posted on 2007-01-31 00:00:00 | by Jac | [ Reply to This ]
      And so i will add yet another layer to the steaming pile of pheses(sp?) that lies under this masterpiece of poetry so as to decrese its proximity to the heavens from whence it must have come. well i may be exadurating a little but i really did like this and thought every other kind of praise has already been given so i gots ta stand out somehow. the only thing you could possibly do to help this poem is make it rhyme well but other than that its perfect. mos def on me favorites.
    | Posted on 2006-03-30 00:00:00 | by reluctant_hero | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. I really liked this. I could envision walking in a thunderstorm from hell. I have been there, trust me. to quote one of my favorite writes, by me of course
    "I walk in the cold november rain" Don't ask me which of my poems that from, I dunno. hell, I'm not even sure if I have it posted on here, lol. Good poem man, I just wish I had the time to pull comments like you have. almost 1500 to like 750? that is insane!
    | Posted on 2006-02-04 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ]
      The end of this really got me, about how you will never be "the one" for anybody. I have felt that sometimes in my life and it sucks. But take heed, there is a perfect person for you, jsut as everyone...

    Take care!

    IK
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
      that was the most amazing poem ever *sniffles* it made me tear seriously! I wished to see you.
    Even if you are
    Further than the furthest star
    There's still a part of me
    With you. And so,
    However heavy the rain,
    You will be sheltered
    Away in my heart.

    reminds me of someone who left
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by annezah | [ Reply to This ]
      That's so pretty. No wonder you have so many comments. I see why. I had to scroll down for like 5 minutes. Anyways, I love everything about it. I don't even know what to say. You really have a way with words. My favorite part is:

    "Looking towards silky skies to hide
    The fact I've never been
    'The one' for anybody."

    That's so sad. Very beautifully done Great job dear.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      I added this poem to my favourites months ago, and with the way everyone's always changing and deleting everything I decided to go through my list again. There were a few poems I even decided I didn't like anymore, but this one - I just realized I still loved it. I could even remember some of the lines. I still love the first stanza, but now I'm even more in love with the last

    "I'm still wanting, hoping, wishing.
    Looking towards silky skies to hide
    The fact I've never been
    'The one' for anybody.
    Now that I am alone,
    Tears will shatter dreams
    Like hail in a winter storm,
    And I think it would be best
    If I didn't cry, this time."

    Never stop writing.
    -Caribou-
    | Posted on 2006-01-06 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      You've had alot of comments on this piece already so I'm sure I will unable to add anything that hasn't been said already. Each is right. This is a beautiful piece. So very touching & with such visuals! I would've liked to have read this before you revised & revised again so I would've had something to compare to (from where you started w/ it). You are a gifted young man & I look forward to reading some of your other pieces.
    ~Tonya
    | Posted on 2006-01-03 00:00:00 | by Tonya V. | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved how it doesn't rhyme and still flows beautifully. You're a gifted writer!

    I'm still wanting, hoping, wishing.
    Looking towards silky skies to hide
    The fact I've never been
    'The one' for anybody.

    perfectly summarized! I'm still wanting, hoping, wishing. awesome poem
    | Posted on 2005-12-22 00:00:00 | by sunshinejmh | [ Reply to This ]
      wow..I'm so glad I found this write..it is definitely a favorite for me. I've always said that if you want something bad enough and you believe in it long enough..then it can be yours. The person in this poem is willing to go to any measures to have the one they want...and even when they can't have them..they keep them locked in their heart forever...and they don't seem to give up hope. They seem to keep believing. I just love this poem. Beautifully written. Great write. ~hailie~
    | Posted on 2005-12-20 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]
      I wished to see you.
    Even if you are
    Further than the furthest star

    if i could cry i would right now this hit me pretty hard. i don't know what you were really talking about but i know how i interpreted it...
    someone extremely close to me died[f you want to know the whole god damn story ask me about it...but i am not writting it in a comment box] he died 3 days after my birthday. i loved him very much. he was my boyfriend. it has almost been a year and 5 months now but the pain is still there.
    check out my poetry[alot of it is about him] or PM me. thx
    xoxo
    Reeses
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by Numb | [ Reply to This ]
      Id like to know what your favorite part of this write was, because for me it was
    Believing beyond boundaries
    That the clouds would pass
    And the still water
    That lay on all the pathways
    Would drain away,
    I love imagery in poems and it painted a perfect picture of something literal and something between the lines
    | Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by Rob Orchard | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the wording you used in this piece.

    I wanted to see you.
    Even if it meant
    Surviving the storm,
    Defying the lightning,
    Thieving the thunder,
    And embracing the rain.

    I loved the first stanza. It really was a great opening to this piece. However, as I read on, I lost this feeling. I think it could use a few more re-writes, but so could everything everyone writes. Other than that, I thought even without rhyming, or even stanza, that this piece flowed nicely!
    | Posted on 2005-09-30 00:00:00 | by miss__smiles | [ Reply to This ]
      this reminds me so much of romeo and juliet. how you said,
    I wanted to see you.
    Even if it meant
    Surviving the storm,
    Defying the lightning,
    Thieving the thunder,
    And embracing the rain.
    - its like you would go to the end of teh world for her just like in romeo and juliet. i really liked this. i can almost feel your pain. someday you will find that "someone" and you will be there one and only. just hang in there. well this was an awesoem poem love to hear more like it:)
    Ashley
    | Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by star_on_fire22 | [ Reply to This ]
      I know I already commented on this, but it was like 2 and a half months ago, and I just rediscovered this, and have more to add. This reminds me off the song...shoot...can't remember the title...it's an oldie about listening to the rain. Anyway, there is someone who is(was) in my life that I wish could be here again, and it makes me think of him. I've weathered many storms trying to keep my friendship with him alive, and finally decided to just let go. It amazed me how much less it hurts to truly and completely let go of something like that. I still hope with all of my heart that I can have him back someday, because he was the best best friend I've ever had. He is the main reason for "Going On Forever". Always telling me to keep the memories but move on because nothing lasts forever. I hope I'm not just rambling now. But I love this. More now I think than when I first commented. My new fave. Awesome job.
    | Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey there! This is just beautiful! Very well written and heartfelt! You have expressed your sadness and longing so well that I can feel it as I read the words! This is truly heartbreaking and tragic. I am so glad I read this. It just melts my heart! Beautiful! I have nothing bad to say about it. Fantastic poem! Take care!
    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-20 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a wonderful piece I will read it again and again. The pain is a contagious part of the poem. I almost cried tears of my own.
    -Sageeriol
    | Posted on 2005-08-20 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      I couldn't leave this page without adding my congratulations. Man, when you re-write stuff, you do a great job, it all worked for me and I have nothing but applause.
    I keep telling ES writers, if you have to write about the same old stuff, make it different somehow, so it stands out from the others.

    You've done exactly that.
    Well done Five Stars *****

    Be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-05-26 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. That is incredibly beautiful! I don't think that I have ever read a poem about missing someone that was as beautiful as this. I have to say that the first stanza was my favorite! I would love to find out that I meant that much to someone in words like yours. I can say nothing negative. Simply beautiful!
    | Posted on 2005-05-15 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      Hot. I hate commenting on things everyone else has stampeded on, but couldn't just... miss this.
    This was ... obviously not a haiku, I don't see the confused. I take it that you wrote a haiku and then decided to take it to another place and write it as a full piece of poetry.
    Very hot decision. It all makes my heart melt, it's very sweet and sad. And never angsty.

    Okay (I couldn't resist) My FAVORITE LINES?

    1. the first stanza. im not copy/pasting all of that, but it really beat me over the head and dragged me into the rest of the poem. I do have minor issues with the 'surviving' thing that Sandburg mentioned. It... doesn't fit. But what the [censored].

    2. 'Even if you are
    Further than the furthest star
    There's still a part of me
    With you'
    stars are supposedly overrated (along with tears) in poetry but I so love this

    3. the last stanza. bittersweet, but just as creative, working just as well as the rest of the poem.

    I love it... new favorite and all. and i'll remember this b/c I graduate today.

    ~Akhi
    | Posted on 2005-06-03 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]
      It left me silent and staring at the screen glowing in the dark... it left me silent, because it made me think. It reminded me how close I am to this state. This is a very mature piece. And very, very moving.

    I just don't know what to write about it, except it is truly an extraordinary and magnificent poem. A +5 from me.
    | Posted on 2005-04-03 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting. i, too, have a haiku entitled "tears", but it hasn't made it to the site. i don't know why though.
    I want to say this is an improvement of sorts from the haiku, but to say that would be insulting to both poems. both are excellent, and would stand alone quite well. reading one after the other makes it all the worth while.
    i apologize for never getting back to you for a comment you made on one of my works. i seemed to have lost time between work, moving, and prepping for school. thank you
    -hybrid
    | Posted on 2005-08-23 00:00:00 | by hybridmagnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      i really enjoyed reading this piece of art, it was soo moving and it almost (close) brought tears to my eyes. There has been time(s) when i have felt this way and it was good to know that there are others who feel the same. I really liked the last part when you said and it would be best if i didnt cry this time that was what got me i dont know why thought, anyway good work write to me if any of this seems confusing
    | Posted on 2005-02-07 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice piece for a second rewrite. it shows the signs of long honing and skill crafting. i liked the inherent haiku theme, and i love the storm reference. the descriptiveness is very very unique, and found very rarely. this piece needs no further cleaning up that i can see.

    I'm still wanting, hoping, wishing.
    Looking towards silky skies to hide
    The fact I've never been
    'The one' for anybody.
    Now that I am alone,
    Tears will shatter dreams
    Like hail in a winter storm,
    And I think it would be best
    If I didn't cry, this time.

    this line is very enthralling. truly you are gifted to transition to a line that completes the piece most fully. the ending really ties it all together for me personally, and completes every if few incomplete thoughts left unsaid in mystery here. the piece is moving and insightful. loved it much.
    -Q
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by TechnoticQ | [ Reply to This ]
      There's a lot of emotion in this piece. Right from the start we can feel your desperation. There are a couple repetitions in here that make it interesting, even beyond the emotion of it.

    1) the "see you" thing, which works especially well because you switch up the part leading up to it each time. Makes me wonder if you're familiar with Counting Crows. This is a trick that Adam Duritz uses quite often to good effect, actually one of the things that first drew me to that band.

    B) You follow a theme of stormy weather and the elements in general. You stay very consistent to this throughout, but without overkilling it.

    Another thing I like about it is that it has layers to it. One might see this as simply a guy missing his girl, but I see a little more.

    I wished to see you./Even if you are/Further than the furthest star/There's still a part of me/With you

    From this one could gather that "she" has left this world, passed on to another.

    I'm still wanting, hoping, wishing./Looking towards silky skies to hide/The fact I've never been/'The one' for anybody

    This suggests that maybe "she" doesn't actually exist. She is the perfect girl for you in your imagination.

    Maybe these allusions are not intentional, or at least not the actual "truth" of this poem, but for me these layers add depth to the poem.

    The closing lines (so very important to any piece in my estimation) are heart-wretching. You make us want to cry for you.

    Very nice work Jim. You know, way back when I first got here my first impression was how inferior I felt. There was so much great work in here I thought maybe I was in over my head. Then you made Transparent Bird a favorite. It really boosted my self-esteem. Kept me around for a while. Now I feel like I've learned so much, and much of this is due largely to you.

    I checked back many times in those early days, but you were on a hiatus. After a while I kinda forgot about you I guess. Glad I caught up to you. I'll get reacquainted with your work as time allows.

    Great to see you!
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      James, this is nice. I have a couple of suggestions for the words, and repetition of words. First off, in the opening,

    I wanted to see you.
    Even if it meant
    Surviving the storm,
    Defying the lightning,
    Thieving the thunder,
    And embracing the rain.

    Of the four words you've opened with, surviving, defying, thieving and embracing,
    surviving doesn't really fit for me, because it's past tense. Not just tense, survive, by definition, means the test is past, the threat is over. I'd thought of "brave" the storm, which is cliché, but I think "endure" is a good choice, fits in well with the other three. Just a thought, maybe not.

    Next, the repetition of "see you"

    "I wanted to see you.
    Even if it meant..."

    "I hoped to see you.
    Believing beyond boundaries..."

    "I wished to see you.
    Even if you are..."

    You changed up the front ends of these opening lines, wanted, hoped, wished.
    I'd like to see you change up the back ends as well, wanted to see, hoped to meet, wished to join...

    Just an alternate idea, for what it's worth.
    Hope you don't mind.
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh I love this. I love how you describe tears. I thought this piece was really good.

    I wanted to see you.
    Even if it meant
    Surviving the storm,
    Defying the lightning,
    Thieving the thunder,
    And embracing the rain.

    I have nothing bad at all to say. Good work
    stephanie
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this was really moving, it expresses a lot. I thionk it shows the inner turmoil that everyone goes through when they love. I think Ill see what else you wrote! have an awesome day!
    ~Amanda
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by AmandaLyn | [ Reply to This ]
      i can understand how you got so many compliments on this in it's previous form, i'm in love with it. I'm agreeing with stephy in that i think the first stanza really catches your eye. i love it, i love it, i love it
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by painofthanatos | [ Reply to This ]
      Very romantic and quite effective in describing the feelings of true love.
    It was like a sonnet.
    Great job & great weekend to you! Love, Peace, Joy!
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This was sweet, simply stated, and I suppose I liked it. My only objection is the title. It's one I've seen... too many times to count. I like the fact that you didn't use the last line or word of the poem for the title, however, because people do that often. My suggestion would be to lengthen it to 'Tears Will Shatter Dreams' or another line I liked a lot 'Believing beyond boundaries' might do as title as well.

    {Katie}
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
      You said all the thing I wished I could say, unbelievable, its like my jaw dropped when I read this. It was simply beautiful, and a re-write this powerful must've been hard to re-work. Its a definite fav. Great work!
    ~Paco!
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by Paconess1006 | [ Reply to This ]
      how romantic man. the way you describe these feelings using nature and it's "destuctiveness" is amazing. i was so glad to read this. you have such beautiful poetry****
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      such a heavily emotional piece... and yet the words were very much sufficient in vocalizing the weight. its straightforwardness works so well with the palpable need for bare-faced expressionism.

    good job.
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I wish I could express myself this way. Your word choice was amazing and this is def. an improvement from your haiku. I could feel every emotion you put into this piece:O)

    You're going to make some lucky girl very happy one day. DOnt let the present times discourage you. Being alone for awhile isnt really that harsh of a treatment. Keep your head up James and keep smiling:O)

    --Kayla
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      i can never get enough of ur stuff james! . i really like ur first stanza! it just seemed to start it off very nicely and kept me reading. hehe. and i liked the last two lines of the 3rd stanza too!nice job james!

    ~*bren*~
    | Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this and i am so glad that you are writing semi-regularly now. i missed you. i can't IM any one anymore but oh well. hope you had a great time this break.
    love tina
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by ladiesplanet1 | [ Reply to This ]
      you know james. i came to this site to see if you had something up yet. we have a test tomorrow, 26 chapters, and i havent done about 20. but you dint disappoint me. beautiful, simply beautiful...

    i dont care if the older people say these types of poems are angst. this is [censored] beautiful. the metaphors, everything! you're an amazing writer james. dont forget that! and cheer up dude, i'm not anybody's 'the one' yet, but hey i know i will be someday and that girl will be the one who'll make me feel beautiful even when i'm dressed in tatters. so dont worry jim, it'll turn all right. it will.

    zu
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't see this as a angst poem at all, I am one of the older writers on here,lol

    As you listed it, its a very passionate longing poem, You did a very good job of keep the theme tight. I like that you use metaphors as well.

    very good write.
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by edthepoet | [ Reply to This ]
      this is beautiful. it really reminded me of someone who i was really close to that moved so impossibly far away. the last stanza was so amazing, how do you write so well? i wish i knew. great job
    -steph
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      a really beautiful poem. this puts everyone's feelings into words, not just your own. you have yourself a nice piece of work here. I have no suggestions for improvement at all.
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked all the great detail. This is a really beautiful poem. I don't think there could be any changed to it.
    | Posted on 2006-09-11 00:00:00 | by Mythicalfrog | [ Reply to This ]


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