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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Clarinets in the Cosmic Eggdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: VanillaLeaves
    Elite Ratio:    4.1 - 101/110/23
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1182
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1183



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsClarinets in the Cosmic Eggdots
    -------------------------------------------


    On Wednesday between the white walls of the orchestra room
    we sat enfolded in the that cosmic egg
    with our varnished violins and cello,
    our trumpets ready to shatter the shell with a single b-flat.
    Within those white walls I fell in love with an A clarinet

    I cracked the battered case open like a cosmic egg
    and found the instrument ancient and in bloom.
    There lying among the plush foliage of the weathered case
    the metal keys were going green,
    growing roots,
    going back to decades before,
    growing into trees.

    I was in love,
    my heart cracking wide like a cosmic egg,
    opening like a battered case.
    I caressed those leaf like keys
    and embraced the A clarinet bell and barrel
    between the white walls of the orchestra room.

    Together we plastered the walls with cosmic egg shell,
    loose finger pads exploded
    and ricocheted through the air.
    We played the hymns of former trees
    and metal going green in dark storage.
    We played until the cracked wood took root
    And the white walls burst into flower.




    Submitted on 2005-01-08 17:28:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Wonderful! As a parent who spent a great deal of time with the orchestra and band, this one came alive for me. It took me back to the "white walls of the orchestra room", to the musty smell of old instrument cases, and then to the sweet sounds they eventually make. I think you have a good thing going here with the "cosmic egg" image. I would use it differently, accent it more, end each first line with it. Also I think the "tree" image is a clever one, but it needs a bit of tuning. My suggestions follow (use any or all, throw away what you don't like):

    S1 - As I said, end each first line with the "cosmic egg". To do this reverse L1 & L2 and drop "On Wednesday" (not important). I would also put "with an A clarinet" on a new line.

    S2 - L1 Change "cracked" to "opened" and drop "open". L2 "ancient instrument in bloom". L3 Drop "There". Drop "weathered case" (Too close to 'battered case') Use "case's lining". L4 Drop "going green". Use "shoots of green". L5 "Taking root" L6 "in decades of musical soil".

    S3 - Make L2 the first line, but change "cracking" to "cracked" . Make L3 now L2 "as I opened". L1 becomes L3.

    S4 - L1 Drop "Together". Drop L3 completely, L2 says it all. L5 Change "going green" to "becoming shoots of green", and drop "in dark storage".

    Again, these are only ideas, for your consideration. Use them or abuse them, it matters not. I just thought that your original concepts were so interesting, my mind started to wander. Thanks for the journey!

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-10-13 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Geeez I like this a lot! I need to read all your stuff, everything so far has been excellent!
    The only thing I can think of here is your word "decades" I hink "aeons" would suit better.

    Very nice, I'll fave it immediately!

    Be Happy
    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      i am so glad i found this! i saw it in Graeme's favs and knew i should check it out. being a musician myself, i can hear the sounds of the cracked wood, feel the metal keys (although i lean toward playing strings). this is just beautiful.. i love the ancient references here.. a new fave for sure! thank you for sharing your orchestra with us! the cosmic egg indeed...
    !Cat
    | Posted on 2005-06-12 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I saw this title in favorites at magnicat's page. She and I are rather close in taste and I loved the title. What a craftly bit of excellence in this, the only other image I get would be of strirring the cosmic egg with the clarinet. But I like yours better. I just used the cosmic egg idea in a piece called "perfect fit", it's funny how the muses send their ideas to many places at once. Fantastic! Since I am a musician and poet too, it fits so well. So you're a classically trained clarinetist? Wow, that is wonderful!
    peace and love
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2005-06-13 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this. As a clarinet-ist (is that even a word?) I can relate to some of the imagery that you have brought out in this piece. Overall, I can't think of anything that really needs to be changed.
    | Posted on 2005-06-13 00:00:00 | by TylerP | [ Reply to This ]
      metophorically melodious! It was such a beautiful poem. very creative title as well, it peeked my curiousity to read it, and Im glad I did
    | Posted on 2005-06-19 00:00:00 | by laniejane | [ Reply to This ]
      Umm... interesting... I'm not sure I understood it, but it is very good. I'd like to know what you're talking about. And please don't take that as a rude remark... I really don't understand a lot... so yeah...
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
      Great title. Excellent poem, too. Only suggestion I have comes to mind in L2 with:

    we sat enfolded in the that cosmic egg

    And then only because "the" and "that" are perhaps one choice too many, and I'd say pick one!

    I know, not much help, but the rest of this is beautiful.
    | Posted on 2005-06-24 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]


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