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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Recipes for Tearsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: eener
    ASL Info:    21/f/wi
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 351/370/53
    Words: 239
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1138
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1900



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRecipes for Tearsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The eyes open wide to see
    The pain within this world.
    Horrors that should never roam
    Through any line of vision.

    They see:
    The beaten.
    The self-multilating.
    The shunned.
    The dead.
    The missing.

    The ears take in sound
    Without any other choice.
    Bringing noise into the mind,
    Never to allow it escape.

    They hear:
    Haunting screams.
    Hateful exchanges.
    Cruel taunts.
    Last words.
    Lonesome silences.

    The skin responds openly
    To any negative touch.
    Refusing to hide its distress
    When happiness is stripped within.

    It feels:
    A bone breaking.
    A knife slicing.
    A gunshot striking.
    A life dying.
    A cold freezing.

    The nose serves to warn
    Of dangers too hidden to see.
    Reminding the person it sits upon
    To stay away from the source.

    It smells:
    Odors that disgust.
    Chemicals that poison.
    Flames that burn.
    Substances that kill.
    Airs that remind.

    The tongue is meant
    To taste the inner qualities.
    For some tortures only reveal
    Within the outer shell.

    It tastes:
    Bitter medicines.
    Sweet temptations.
    Sour healthfoods.
    Bittersweet goodbyes.
    Salty surrenders.

    With all this intake,
    The mind and body must revolt.
    To expell the pain within,
    Becoming whole again.

    It cries:
    Tears of fear.
    Tears of suffering.
    Tears of neglect.
    Tears of sorrow.
    Tears of lonliness.

    As the last tear cascades,
    The mind is once again clear;
    Wishing to turn off bodily senses,
    As new teary recipes are made.




    Submitted on 2005-01-08 22:04:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is very different for you. It is not as upbeat and positive as some of your other works. You did a good job.
    Crying is really a good release, and sometimes, afterward, one really feels almost ... refreshed (although exhausted) and ready to bring on more 'recipes' (I like your use of that word). Things (emotions and such) just pile on and build up until, somehow, they have to be released. I have a massive crying session every once in a while. Not always necessarily because of a particular issue, but just to vent/release some frustration or emotion and cleanse myself. It's either that or physically destroy something, which is obviously not the better choice.
    I like how how you listed at the end what the mind/body cries, just as you listed what each of the senses takes in. It is very uniform. And I love the last stanza, especially the part about 'new teary recipes.' Great job. One thing - I believe the spelling is 'loneliness' (you forgot the 'e'). Other than that, this is a wonderful write. And the length is nothing to fret about, and you shouldn't apologize for it. Everything in this poem had meaning, and I don't think you could have made it shorter and still have the same effect.
    Anyway, I liked it - did I get that across?
    | Posted on 2005-01-21 00:00:00 | by ber | [ Reply to This ]
      This is all at once simple and profound. Nicely crafted too. Using the five senses as a vehicle to describe what makes us cry is pretty ambitious. You pull it off without a hitch. Nothing to criticize here. Sounds good, makes you think...all good

    I particularly love the last stanza. So true, sometimes it would be best to turn off your senses. Then again, this would leave us completely alone to our thoughts...hmmm...which is worse?

    Love how you wrapped it up with "As new teary recipes are made"

    Very strong work eener.
    | Posted on 2005-01-16 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      Much better. But the reread shows that the other lines are a bit like this to in the alternate stanzas. I think having the lines that pertain to finality last would work a bit better for you.
    Ie > Last Words...A life dying...Substances that kill...Bittersweet Goodbyes...
    Adding this last stanza really helped it out too. Think about these other line changes but it's much more cohesive now.
    jan
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm, this was quite interesting. Yes it was a long poem, but the thing is, the way you have the format, and the way you have every idea clearly described and organized make this seem shorter and is a lot easier to read. I think it's also the consistant structure that does it. It's hard for me to force myself into a nice organized structure like this, but it worked really well for you. This sort of reminds me of this thing we read in poetry class about colors. It had a little section for every color then described white or something at the end. Anyway, back to your poem. I like how you chose to put so much pattern in it, but just watch out not to get the important feelings you're converying caught in the pattern. As in you don't want the reader to think "oooh, organized structure", but "wow, I really understand and relate to what's being said". As far as the ideas conveyed. I really thought this was well written, and I like the idea of every sense contributing to the pain of tears. Hence the title, recipe for tears. That's a good, original way of looking at it. The thing is, you do this thing with the two different kinds of stanzas mixed amongst each other, first describing the sense, then describing what it's taking in. It sounds good, but I guess it just sort of seems like you have two different poems all mixed up. I mean, I guess what I'd consider here is trying to make the two different stanzas about the same sense into one stanza, I think it might be a bit easier to read that way. I don't know, that might not work, but it would definitely take the focus off the format. Otherwise, this was very well-written, I like the idea, and don't think you should necessarily take out anything. Nice job.
    -Vanessa
    | Posted on 2005-01-08 00:00:00 | by srcastic1 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is interesting, how you focused on each of the senses. you certainly have described many of the sights, sounds, etc. that can evoke tears. it is very poignant and unfortunately describes much of the world these days. it's a wonder we don't drown in our own tears here. very thought-provoking, eener.
    | Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      In some awkward way I can now sense your instinctual mother inside.
    This poem, well, this poem's composition, reveals that in the first part of the poem, you are preparing us, the readers, for something.
    And whatever it is, it isn't good.
    The remainder of the poem only follows the same sequence.
    Then, toward the end, it seems as if you want to protect us from something.
    Kinda like that fricken dream I had last night.

    Another one of my interpretations of the intentions of women's hearts.


    | Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by max | [ Reply to This ]
      A very different form for you, but I liked the set it up adn give example thing you have going...maybe because I'm a teacher?
    I think these lines will have a more complete feel if you reverse the order.
    Lonesome silences.
    Last words.

    to

    Last words.
    Lonesome silences.
    I really think you need to add a closing stanza though. You just leave us hanging with these images, but not the connection between them. If you bring them together at the end it will give the poem a better sense of purpose, and a resolution.
    jan
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]


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