Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

For Rachel

Author: Medieval Aztec
ASL Info:    20/M/IL
Elite Ratio:    4.85 - 44 /40 /8
Words: 246
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1088
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1414


I wrote it for her

For Rachel

In heaven it does glow
But subsides in you in order to grow
Hidden from the world to see
That beautiful secret that resides in thee
For when the sands of time begin to chime
You shall know what makes you so special
that even the wisest of men dont know
As if you were choosen you see
Choosen you were
Choosen for me
As I be choosen for you, you see
But to time my love I must obey
And to god my love I kneel and pray
For you my love, for you to breath
For you my love
For you not to leave
But god had other plans for you my dear
As i lay by your side
With only the company of my tear
And when your breathless spirit
deparated and escaped from time
You left your gift behind
For me, Your gift which is so precious to me
you left behind what only you could give to me
And as we together bury your body
Both of us
Her and me
Both of us weeped, weeped for thee
I cried for knowing you, loving you,and losing you
She cried for never having you
And Oh! When time came, never ending time
You should have seen her my beautiful dove
You should see whats inside her
My long ago love
For every time she looks at me
I swear
I swear
Its you I see.

Submitted on 2005-01-09 19:42:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  This is very thought out and well written. I can tell whoever this Rachel is that you so love is loved well by you. I really like the descriptions you used. The format really worked for this piece especially since it tapered off at the end. :) Overall nice job! :)
| Posted on 2005-02-06 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, this si very well written! you have a great poetic gift! I am not surprized that you have very few posts, because I'm sure each one takes a vast amount of time and working. Thank you for refering me to read this, it was beautiful and very touching. I don't totally get the whole situation by reading this poem, but I like that it leaves the full story to my imagination.. however, it is a sad one. I hope you were able to turn to God in your pain, because He will sustain you! God bless!
| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by AmandaLyn | [ Reply to This ]
  oh...what to say about such a magnificant piece as this? It was...beautifully tragic...if that makes sense. sounds to had a daughter with this woman...she died while giving birth? I dunno, thats what i got from it. So beautiful yet sad at the same time, a perfect balance...maybe a bit like Poe would write...I loved it...

I think we should talk study psychology, correct? Thats what im going to go into in a while...ah well, just interested in what you might have to say...

| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
  Omigod. There was so much heart-wrenching emotion and pain radiating from this piece. Probably one of the most emotional pieces I've read in a while. I don't know who this was to you, but obviously you cared very much about her. And, I cannot critique a poem like this. It was a beautiful tribute. Don't ever stop missing.
| Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  Beautiful my dear. My only suggestions for improvement are this: "God" is always capitalized as well as all other titles associated with Him. i.."Him", "He", "Lord". If you're talking about God, capitalize it. In line 16 "breath" should be "breathe". Always capitalize "i" when talking about yourself.

Other than those few things, this is beautiful. It always makes me smile to see a man that would write poetry for someone and the poetry to actually be very good. Thats a rarity. Great job. Your work is awesome. I'd love to see more. Much love to ya.
| Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
  well this is really cool. you asked me to read it and i did. im not sure what it had to do with my poem "holding my head" but maybe you could explain that part to me. in my poem that you commented got to me. you saw the real meaning behind it. i didnt write it to be funny but it turned out that other people would view it that way if they didnt get the hidden meaning. you did. how did you do that?
| Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?