Description: I'm rather fond of this one. Still, more than open to suggestions. Can't get over my star fettish I guess. Enjoy
>I fixed the reflecting pools problem...seemed weird to even me after a while.
Prayer of Night -------------------------------------------
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my soul its strength to keep
And if it fail before I wake,
I pray my heart it not forsake-
When twilight chills it to the core,
Let not my eyes bleed anymore.
And if my dreams be lost to me,
I pray some other soul to see
with eyes entranced by starry nights,
Always reflecting heaven's lights.
I pray these eyes I now possess
may never haunt me any less.
When night falls and I cannot see,
Please let the stars watch over me.
I think a lot of the confusion on this piece is just not really knowing the reader, but I think if you pay close enough attention you can distinctly understand what they are trying to say. It's quite good, although a twist on an original, I believe that's what makes it so original. Imagine that paradox.
> Now I lay me down to sleep > I pray my soul its strength to keep > And if it fail before I wake, > I pray my heart it not forsake-
> When twilight chills it to the core, > Let not my eyes bleed anymore. > And if my dreams be lost to me, > I pray some other soul to see
> with eyes entranced by starry nights > And pools reflecting heaven's lights.
> I pray these eyes I now possess > may never haunt me any less. > When night falls and I cannot see, > Please let the stars watch over me.
The rhythm and rhyme in this piece are soothing and beautiful. Thanks for not abandoning them for free form. You seem to have four-line stanzas embedded in this piece, but taking it apart in stanzas there are two extra lines. Still it reads with absolute fluidity. Pure genius. And the images are excellent.
There are some places where to me the logic seems to contradict itself. I'm wondering what you want to be perceived by the reader as the final intent:
> I pray my soul its strength to keep > And if it fail before I wake, > I pray my heart it not forsake-
If your soul fails, let your heart fail with it? or If your soul fails, let your heart be strong?
> I pray some other soul to see > with eyes entranced by starry nights > And pools reflecting heaven's lights.
some other soul... with eyes... and pools?
> Let not my eyes bleed anymore. ... > I pray these eyes I now possess > may never haunt me any less.
Let not my eyes bleed anymore... but let them keep bleeding? What is the "haunting" by your present eyes?
> When night falls and I cannot see, > Please let the stars watch over me.
Absolutely lovely. What's wrong with a fixation on stars? I have that, too. This is a great piece. Thanks for sharing it.
Submission Name: Prayer of Night
