Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Prayer of Nightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rounin
    ASL Info:    17/f/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.38 - 122/113/21
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 899
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 556



    Description:
       I'm rather fond of this one. Still, more than open to suggestions. Can't get over my star fettish I guess. Enjoy
    >I fixed the reflecting pools problem...seemed weird to even me after a while.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPrayer of Nightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Now I lay me down to sleep
    I pray my soul its strength to keep
    And if it fail before I wake,
    I pray my heart it not forsake-
    When twilight chills it to the core,
    Let not my eyes bleed anymore.
    And if my dreams be lost to me,
    I pray some other soul to see
    with eyes entranced by starry nights,
    Always reflecting heaven's lights.
    I pray these eyes I now possess
    may never haunt me any less.
    When night falls and I cannot see,
    Please let the stars watch over me.




    Submitted on 2005-01-10 11:44:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is ery entertaining. Its a cool twist on the other prayer. It's awesome how you were able to keep the rhyme scheme and rythm. Good work.
    | Posted on 2005-02-15 00:00:00 | by omnipotent | [ Reply to This ]
      I think a lot of the confusion on this piece is just not really knowing the reader, but I think if you pay close enough attention you can distinctly understand what they are trying to say. It's quite good, although a twist on an original, I believe that's what makes it so original. Imagine that paradox.
    | Posted on 2005-02-14 00:00:00 | by majinkenshinamv | [ Reply to This ]
      > Now I lay me down to sleep
    > I pray my soul its strength to keep
    > And if it fail before I wake,
    > I pray my heart it not forsake-

    > When twilight chills it to the core,
    > Let not my eyes bleed anymore.
    > And if my dreams be lost to me,
    > I pray some other soul to see

    > with eyes entranced by starry nights
    > And pools reflecting heaven's lights.

    > I pray these eyes I now possess
    > may never haunt me any less.
    > When night falls and I cannot see,
    > Please let the stars watch over me.


    The rhythm and rhyme in this piece are soothing and beautiful. Thanks for not abandoning them for free form. You seem to have four-line stanzas embedded in this piece, but taking it apart in stanzas there are two extra lines. Still it reads with absolute fluidity. Pure genius. And the images are excellent.

    There are some places where to me the logic seems to contradict itself. I'm wondering what you want to be perceived by the reader as the final intent:

    > I pray my soul its strength to keep
    > And if it fail before I wake,
    > I pray my heart it not forsake-

    If your soul fails, let your heart fail with it?
    or
    If your soul fails, let your heart be strong?


    > I pray some other soul to see
    > with eyes entranced by starry nights
    > And pools reflecting heaven's lights.

    some other soul... with eyes... and pools?



    > Let not my eyes bleed anymore.
    ...
    > I pray these eyes I now possess
    > may never haunt me any less.

    Let not my eyes bleed anymore... but let them keep bleeding? What is the "haunting" by your present eyes?



    > When night falls and I cannot see,
    > Please let the stars watch over me.

    Absolutely lovely. What's wrong with a fixation on stars? I have that, too. This is a great piece. Thanks for sharing it.
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    41375

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry