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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 7 Year Itchdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: deadndreaming
    Elite Ratio:    6.74 - 1359/1263/81
    Words: 287
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1966
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2188



    Description:
       My whole family pretty much got married within a year or two of each other. Suddenly, they are all splitting up. My wife and I had our problems too, but persevered. I'm hoping there is still hope for my brother John and his wife Tina. They separated but are reconciling. It's a long road from first kiss to last breath...and a 7 year itch can come in two months or 20 years...

    Sheeesh, say it ain't so! Brad and Jennifer too?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots7 Year Itchdots
    -------------------------------------------


    From I love you to I do, then another year or two,
    We get lost in the learning of each other:
    Individuals attracted to the fascination
    Of a mirrored soul free of fault.
    So compelling is this quest, we cast aside all we knew;
    Bad habits subdued, friends pushed away,
    Pressed into address books
    (Called upon on special occasions
    Or times of need).

    Time shifts. Sand sifts, forming castles (with moats) of isolation.
    Skin ages and fascination fades.
    Duty replaces discovery.
    Mirrors capture imperfections,
    Reflections of opportunities lost, dreams squandered.
    Bad habits magnify, multiplied by misplaced pride.
    We each become extensions of our failed selves;
    Property shared, permission required,
    Identities lost in the murky moat.

    Bright green pastures beckon beyond white picket fences.
    Gates are passed through. Grass yellows under foot.
    Self-awareness tramples expectations.
    Mirrors reveal dreaded truths.
    Creating a new identity becomes a mockery.
    Teenage anxieties resurface.
    We scurry to address books,
    Calling on lost relations
    To help recapture a past undyingly dead.

    We ride this merry-go-round of mayhem to the point of vertigo,
    Stumbling to the place we first met.
    Absence wakes sleeping hearts, stirring fascination
    Of mirrored reservations of solitude.
    Memories slowly weed out the unwanted,
    A valiant subconscious attempt at self-preservation.
    We view each other from distant perspectives.
    Tolerance becomes a welcome replacement
    For self-loathing and loneliness.

    To make the long trek from first kiss to last breath
    We compromise ego for order.
    We step down from pedestals, climb hills of humility.
    Mirrors are best left for grooming.
    Recognition of individuality is essential,
    Sacrifice a subliminal reflex.
    Constant conscious effort is required to
    Acquainting ourselves with the process
    Of habitually re-falling in love.




    Submitted on 2005-01-10 14:35:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      "Bad habits subdued, friends pushed away,"

    I felt subdued overplayed the rhyme already used.

    But, this is fine stuff. The interweaving of mirrors, moats, address books and sundry, perceptions.

    You have it exactly as it is, only for some there's always the un-i-do.

    But this is real life and you have it down and as it should be. This one shimmers.

    Daniel

    | Posted on 2009-03-18 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Climactic Parallelism (heaping figure, aka a catalog): does not break the sentence, rather it piles stronger and more powerful clauses on top of one another until the series ends at its apex:

    Awake, O North wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.

    But that example is lame compared to this monster climax of a poem! Still, you deviated from the accepted form, but you know what? It doesn't matter because to my mind, this is a textbook example of building pressure, or a grand orchestra all resounding with a recurrent, powerful theme. It's like Wagner's Ring of Niblung, dude, only poetry. Amazing, powerful.

    Tragic-beautiful-sublime.

    My hat's off to you. <dammit, where IS that thing? HONEY! oh, wait, that's right, SHE'S the one missing!>

    I found my hat. Right where I left it . . . ahh the single life!
    | Posted on 2005-06-01 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, I've had sleep, Ive had coffee, and Im back, to attempt to give this poem the comment it deserves (which I might not manage, but hey, at least I tried, right? )

    Honesty..this is what this piece said to me. No rose-tinted glasses; no pretense, no gossamer illusions and pretty, fluffy images. The truth of living together, of sharing it all, be it happy, sad, boring, exciting, irritating or soothing - everything.

    90 % percent of my married friends have managed to get at least divorced before they get to their thirties. Divorce statistics rise every year. People get so caught up in their expectations the forget about the natural flow of life...the sun rises and sets, the tide is high and low...the 'unbalance' is natural to life, and natural to people, and we must accept it and work with it, but so many try and force themselves and their loved ones into the templates they create....

    Anyway, sorry, Im going off on a tangent, and should be talking about your poem as opposed to my random thoughts on things...

    You have some fantastic imagery in here....the gently weaved in mirror references, the castles of isolation...the merry-go-round...its so true, but so unambitious...just a simple statement from a person who has come to live through these words....

    I love the subtle rhyme, too....you dont notice it until you read through, and then it just makes the words flow that little bit more effortlessly (which just fascinates me, how someone can be so seemingly effortless, and yet show so much emotion, and thought, and effort...)

    I would have to paste in every single stanza, for there are images in each that are outstanding...but that would just be retyping your poem, and what would the point of that be?

    Your talent fascinates me, sir.....you have the gift of perception, and you create breathtakingly real masterpieces of emotions framed by words, and words framed by emotions, and Im rambling and being foolish, but your voice is unique, and the more I hear it, the more I want to hear....

    Right, I will go away now, before I make a complete fool of myself....

    Katia
    | Posted on 2005-06-04 00:00:00 | by Katia | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa...don't think i've seen a list of critiques quite so long as this page.

    Anyway, one quick thing. The line "effort is required to
    Acquainting ourselves" might read better as "effort is required for Aquainting" or something like that. A minor problem and easily reparable.
    Other than that, this is a remarkable poem. My initial impression is that only a keen intellect could construct such a lengthy effort and have it turn out so immediate.
    There is no waste of words, nor is there any redundancy. The most remarkable thing about the poem is the way that you seamlessly weave feeling and thought into image and observation. The line: "To help recapture a past undyingly dead." is outstanding. A turn of phrase that speaks volumes of philosophy.
    I just wanted to tell you that.
    see you later, kc
    | Posted on 2005-06-11 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      David- I cannot tell you how much I enjoy coming to your page. I love discovering your works and seeing inside of you. You are so great at bearing yourself, you aren't afraid to be human and it translates over to me in a way that I can't quite verbalize. This is a truthful look at marriage. Most of the poetry written about marriage is bull[censored]. Romantic, trite, poems written through rose colored glasses. This is not how marriage is. It is hard and terrifying and beautiful and suffocating, and boring, and tender, and monotonous, and tempting, and lustful, and sweaty, and sickly, and comforting, and comfortable, and hilarious, and ugly, and unshaven. My husband and I have been together almost 8 years and I wouldn't change a thing. And some days I would change everything. It is the ebb and flow and as you say refalling in love and everytime you fall it is like a rebirth. Sometimes you look at this other person with awe, you can't believe you are so lucky. Then other times you want to ring his neck and you wonder why he has to cut his toenails in the living room and leave the clippings on the end table. Marriage is brutal and it is also the best time you will ever have. Much luck to you and your wife, I wish you many happy years. I love this piece and it is going into my favorites. As always, I so enjoy you.
    | Posted on 2005-03-26 00:00:00 | by Magnolia | [ Reply to This ]
      I see your name everywhere on this site and I have read and re-read a lot of your stuff trying like hell to think of something insightful and original to say, but seeing as how you are the one getting most of the comments, all the good ones are taken before I arrive. So, I just decided to read this one and comment, rather than reading any of the wisdom of those who came before me.

    First and foremost, the thing that stood out the most to me while reading this was that between stanzas 2 and 4, I began reading faster, with more urgency. That realization coincided with the "falling apart" of the relationship that was going on in these lines. i dont know if this was something that you did intentionally, but it was very fitting and mirrored that helpless, rushing, frantic feeling you get when trying to hold on to something that seems to be letting you go.

    When I read your description, I was thinking how beautiful the "first kiss to last breath" sentiment was, and I was going to tell you that it would be amazing in a poem. Apparently, you knew that. ;)

    There was just one little thing that bugged me:
    "Time shifts. Sand sifts, forming castles (with moats) of isolation." I dont feel as though the (with moats) is necessary in the line, as you speak of it later in the stanza. I tripped a bit over the line, because it felt awkward, and my instinct was that that phrase could be eliminated. On the other hand, it is painfully obvious that you have a better grip on this writing stuff than I do, so it is just a thought. ;)

    I am quite sure that you are aware, and I truly hope that you are, that you have serious talent. You are inspiring a lot of us to take another look and see if we couldnt make our stuff just a little better. Thank you for that. Oh and I am dying to know how long you have been writing.

    Nurple
    | Posted on 2005-03-14 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a great poem.

    After being married for 5 years, I know that not just anyone could write such a thing. It would take someone who has seen the undoing of his grasp on understanding in the world. Someone who has seen a beautiful thing fade to something clichéd and less than it's former self.

    I have lived these words you wrote my friend. Therefore, to me, they are perfect in their fading beauty. I would not change a thing.

    Excellent and painful.

    peace,
    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      Check you with your hudreds of comments...And rightly so.. It's hard work this marraige business.

    This was an excellent piece and although long, I wouldn't have taken much out myself. I like the breaks in the poem and the way it keeps a continuity and an aging process in the same way as a marraige does. There is also some tremendous line in it as well. You should be V. chuffed with this one.

    "Bright green pastures beckon beyond white picket fences.
    Gates are passed through. Grass yellows under foot.
    Self-awareness tramples expectations.
    Mirrors reveal dreaded truths."

    I like the way the green pastures beckon beyond the confines of your home while the mirror is revealing truth. I have a woman at work who I'm sure perceives herself in the mirror in a completely different way to how she looks, if you get what I mean.. But I like the way you've stated that the mirror reveals truth, it's like an awakening to yourself and what you look like and where you are. I got a lot out of this, but I am keeping in mind that this is a comment and not a thesis I'm writing...
    | Posted on 2005-01-14 00:00:00 | by Sanny | [ Reply to This ]
      > Constant conscious effort is required to
    > Acquainting ourselves with the process
    > Of habitually re-falling in love.

    I completely missed this the first time through. "is required to acquainting..." How about "is required to acquaint..." I noticed a different suggestion was also given for fixing that. I still love this piece.
    bent
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      Time shifts. Sand sifts, forming castles (with moats) of isolation.
    Skin ages and fascination fades.
    Duty replaces discovery.
    Mirrors capture imperfections,
    Reflections of opportunities lost, dreams squandered.

    that was my favourite part. i don't get the brackets. oh well. i like how it describes the whole process in like a metaphorical way. good job. <3
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]
      Time shifts. Sand sifts, forming castles (with moats) of isolation.
    Skin ages and fascination fades.
    Duty replaces discovery.
    Mirrors capture imperfections,
    Reflections of opportunities lost, dreams squandered.
    Bad habits magnify, multiplied by misplaced pride.

    very true of how relationships morph as the years pass on. the rose-colored glasses come off, and we see each other as we really are. too many people take the easy way out and leave instead of persevering, like you and your wife. i commend you for that. it takes a lot more strength to do that than take the coward's way out.

    We step down from pedestals, climb hills of humility.

    great line, and the best way, by far, to live life.

    lots of good thoughts here. and i love the last two lines, 'cause that's what it's all about, really.

    ~Shalom
    | Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      > We get lost in the learning of each other:

    This seemed wordy to me. (But I'm probably wrong...) Maybe this:

    We get lost in learning each other.


    Some of your lines stop me cold, and I have to think a minute before reading on. Here are some that I particularly like:

    > Of a mirrored soul free of fault.

    Yes, yes! We're always free of fault ourselves, and so eager to find the canker in others.


    > ...friends pushed away,
    > Pressed into address books

    I feel this starting to happen right now.


    > Bright green pastures beckon beyond white picket fences.
    > Gates are passed through. Grass yellows under foot.

    One should think twice before passing through that gate. How is it that we go from one pasture to the next, but the manure here is identical to that in the last pasture? Could it be possible that it just follows us wherever we go? Maybe changing one's own diet (habits, -isms, how we treat others, etc.) would be better than fleeing to the next pasture.


    > Constant conscious effort is required to
    > Acquainting ourselves with the process
    > Of habitually re-falling in love.

    From a youth perspective, so much of this is only theory, but in observing the world around us, it seems we have an abundance of bad examples. So what do we need to learn before we do the cliff-diving thing, and make a life-long commitment? Maybe some of it is in your last three lines. I can only hope it's that simple. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by bent | [ Reply to This ]
      There are some brilliant lines in here,
    I loved "Time shifts, sand sifts, forming castles (with moats) of isolation." That might get skewered as less than original, but the sounds combined in that are great, as well as the imagery. I also liked "this merry-go-round of mayhem" and "mirror are best left for grooming"
    Still, as a whole this seems long winded and might be concealing the forrest within the trees.
    My wife and I will be celebrating thirty years later this year, it can be summed up rather unceremoniously as,

    We wed, we lived,
    we fought like hell,
    (but made up well.)
    The future-
    only time will tell.

    I hope someone else can be more helpful, sorry,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      I can relate! Great write! ... No... just kidding... I really do, although, love the imagery and flow (even though there was no concrete form of rhyme) and for once, I could actually stand reading about an emotion.


    - Jen

    Oh... and I've been meaning to ask someone - anyone- of knowledge... something...

    I'm 14 and a freshman in high school and I haven't even had a boyfriend/guy who liked me back sort of deal... is that bad? Am I doomed for all eternity? I used to be really shy... that might be why... but I'm not anymore... so yeah...
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by poetofthenight | [ Reply to This ]
      through most of it the poem has flow but evry now and then your poem loses the flow. Its not that noticable i'd have to say though that my fav. stanza is the secound one! I love the first line that starts the secound stanza its so true and its in such an elquent way. As for advice on situations i have none sorry but as for poetry the poem was awesome! if theres any thing else though that maybe your not saying here and there just right your true emotions down sometimes thats what saves me from suicide! Awesome job on the poem!
    Hannah
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by Devils Angel | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very thoughtful and you have some great images along the way. I love the first and last stanzas great beginning and end. In the middle though, I feel there are too many ideas for my mind to realistically consume. In order to dignify clarity, Dave, I think I would pull the ones you really like and let them stand in an entire line.

    As for criteria, flow of ideas, one into the next would be good. Secondly, images that fit in the same stanza as themes developed. And third, placing those stanzas in order so the story has a line that is easy to grasp.
    Sometimes taking a one word idea for a stanza helps,
    maybe even the general moved into the specific would work well. I can tell this has made you think,
    thanks for sharing,
    much love,http://www.eliteskills.com/smile.gif
    Nan

    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I found the unbalance in this poem in good light. What part of being married is balance? So what it wrong with a poem about the subject being unbalance? It shows the unease on the relationship. But hey just my personal taste. The images I found to be wonderful and I followed easy but that could be that I just finished with my divorce. I was married for 12 years, been with him for 14 and I am only 29... almost half my life I was with him. If only he could have learned to keep his hands to himself, I think that is taught in pre-k... anyway I enjoyed this poem and think it is fine the way it is.
    Dana
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by raptures | [ Reply to This ]
      There are some nice lines in this and a lot of wisdom. "We get lost in the learning of each other:/Individuals attracted to the fascination/
    Of a mirrored soul free of fault" is true. For a long time we see no fault in those that we love, but they slowly reveal themselves. I like how you used an amalgam of near rhyme that alternated from end to internal rhyme in "So compelling is this quest, we cast aside all we knew;/Bad habits subdued, friends pushed away." That's really subtle and clever.

    "Time shifts. Sand sifts, forming castles (with moats) of isolation" is just a beautiful line; it brings a nice image to mind and the internal rhyme is nice. In "Duty replaces discovery./Mirrors capture imperfections,/Reflections of opportunities lost, dreams squandered," I like how you carried the mirror image through. It's also a great depiction of what actually happens. Duty does take over that tingly feeling of discovery. I like the alliteration in "Duty replaces discovery" and the end/beginning rhyme in "Mirrors capture imperfections,/Reflections of opportunities lost." I like the m sounds in "Bad habits magnify, multiplied by misplaced pride" and "murky moat." "We each become extensions of our failed selves;/Property shared, permission required" is almost painful to read in its brutal honesty.

    "Creating a new identity becomes a mockery./Teenage anxieties resurface" sounds like a perfect description of a midlife crisis. I like the word play of "undyingly dead."

    In "this merry-go-round of mayhem," I like the alliteration, but I'm not sure about the word "mayhem." That makes me think of destruction-bent teens on a rampage. "Memories slowly weed out the unwanted" will like get written in this little book in which I write out little gems of wisdom. Memories either get better or worse depending upon what kind of memory, but in love, it tends to forgive. "We view each other from distant perspectives" is another line that is more profound than it first seems. It makes me think of the poor vision that comes with age and how we still see those we love as being as beautiful as they were at 19 or whatever.

    "We step down from pedestals, climb hills of humility" is another folksy little gem and nice alliteration again. I like how you ended this:

    Sacrifice a subliminal reflex.
    Constant conscious effort is required to
    Acquainting ourselves with the process
    Of habitually re-falling in love.

    I think you can lose the "to" after required, but I love how you talk about sacrifice being subliminal; however, I'm not sure it's the right word. I think it works, and I know what you mean, but wouldn't unconscious be better? I like how you talk about the effort to keep love alive as well.

    In all, I like how you carry the images of time and mirrors throughout. I do think that this might be too dense. You have a lot of strong images, and I think if you took out some of the less intense ones that those images might stand out more; however, I would have no idea what to omit because this is so well crafted.
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed this. It's so insightful. It's words wrote that everyone is afraid to speak.
    "Individuals attracted to the fascination
    Of a mirrored soul free of fault."
    Fascination does fade. I agree with you on so many levels with this last sentence,
    "Constant conscious effort is required to
    Acquainting ourselves with the process
    Of habitually re-falling in love."
    Many people think love will last without effort. Um, no. Even at 17 I (think) realize that. My parents have been together for 25 years and they are the biggest reminder of what love is/can be to me. Just like at Christmas, suprising Mom. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. They don't just love each other, they show it and put effort into it. Anyway, got off subject there and shed a few tears. Just thought this was grand. And yeah, it's so Brad and Jen are seperating! The sad thing is that the media will pound it into the ground with "why". Some people just don't know how to re-fall in love I guess. Great Job.
    -blt
    | Posted on 2005-01-11 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]


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